Been a while...

[pandaeyes1]

Sometimes, more so lately, I feel like my depression can’t be that bad if I’m still able to go to work and function. And if it’s really so bad, why aren’t I completely bound to bed? If I can hold it in until I get home or on my day off to just sleep and be completely and utterly depressed, doesn’t that mean it must not be that bad... and it makes me feel like maybe I’m just faking it or trying to hide behind this to garner sympathy? Or feel bad about myself? I don’t really know.

Sometimes I get the urge to really mutilate myself. Because if I hurt myself that badly, it must mean something is really wrong with me, right? But I guess I don’t want to be more useless than I am already.

[mimii]

You are not useless you have helped me today already please do not hurt yourself, I think when we go to work we can put our work head on to function which can take a lot of energy and feel we have to hide our real feelings, so when we get home we are emotionally drained it does not meanyou are faking it just trying to hold it together. Have you told anyone how you feel xx

[pandaeyes1 in reply to mimii]

I guess. I’ve noticed that the more “normal” I look at work, the worse I feel after. It’s almost like ... an emotional hangover? Like if I really enjoy my time hanging out with my friends, I’m usually super depressed afterwards... I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense.

[Hidden]

Just because others don't see your discomfort and pain doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Pain and discomfort exists in different ways and its effects are different too. Just as though a person can suffer with an internal physical disease (like ulcers) and people not see, we can suffer mentally and emotionally and people not see. The fact you are managing to function somewhat by going to work and you're not going to bed when you're not at work despite your inner discomfort shows you are fighting within your limits. It doesn't mean that you're not ill. It shows that despite everything you are going through inside you are still trying. The fact you are ill doesn't mean you can't have some success in trying to function. And the fact you are working on yourself doesn't mean you are not suffering doing in your own way and still have limits. So I give you credit for both. I give you credit for the fact you are ill and the fact you are fighting. It can be both.

There will always be people who discredit you based on their limited understanding. Please don't let that stop you from working on yourself despite the fact you aren't well. And please don't let them doubt yourself and your pain. The Bible says 'each person knows the pain of their heart' so your pain is individual to you and doesn't need to be proven to anyone or described to anyone. You ddon'thave anything to prove to anyone. Understanding people know you are being genuine and believe you when you say you aren't well despite obvious physical symptoms. You don't need to prove anything to them. As for those that don't understand and doubt your sincerity. Well..their opinions don't matter anyway as they obviously don't have the experience in life that is needed to understand and be qualified to have a sound opinion. We know you suffer and need to look after yourself. Whether you need to recognise your limits and abstain from work or anything else or whether you need to push yourself within your limits and go to work please do whatever you need to take good care of yourself.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It really means a lot. Growing in an asian household and being the oldest daughter, I’ve always perceived worth externally. And if I can’t prove how I feel to others, it must not be true. I know now that this is wrong and unproductive thinking, but it’s so hard to turn off years of “training” from my culture.

I guess in some way, I’m so desperate for acknowledgement of how bad I feel because I need so badly for someone to understand. And not just get to normalize it with things like “oh everyone gets down sometimes” or “but your life is good. You don’t have a reason to feel this way”.

I don’t know how to express to you how your words made me feel. It’s strange that someone I’ve never met has given me more validation and understanding and empathy than anyone I’ve encountered in my life so far. And felt so understood.

[hypercat54]

Hi I have mainly managed to work and function too with my lifelong depression, but it's sure not easy! There are many high functioning depressives like us. I don't know about you but one of my major work problems has been getting in on time due to finding it difficult to get out of bed and getting motivated.

It has also led to difficulties keeping jobs due to taking too much sick leave when my depression overwhelms me. To say nothing of fractured relationships with co-workers.

Unfortunately it can be difficult for us to get the help we need as the common thought is we shouldn't be able to function at all. There are many different levels of depression, but it doesn't mean we don't need help as well, so don't be afraid of getting it.

[pandaeyes1 in reply to hypercat54]

Oh man. Getting to work on time is the bane of my existence. Every morning I struggle with dragging myself out of bed, setting a bijillion alarms, and still managing to get there late. And every morning as I walk to work, I think well, that wasn’t so bad. Why is it so hard for me to just ... get on with my day?

It definitely is a struggle. Sick days aren’t seen the same when it comes to mental illness. I get a lot of “you don’t look sick” when I need a day off. And I’m repeatedly told that I can’t use a sick day as a mental health day because I’m not actually sick. And if I miss more days, I won’t be able to graduate on time. And I feel bad, too, for causing my colleagues to work harder and to pick up my slack. It adds to my feelings of worthlessness.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are getting help and doing well!

[lovetodance2018]

Hi Pandaeyes1, I love your username. I find it soothing. I can relate to your feelings. When I am struggling with depression, I keep thinking it is my fault. I can sort of function at times, but hard on myself. I have had to do a lot of positive self-talk to take those thoughts out of my head. Depression is a chemical imbalance it is not who we are. It is not something we can control when we spiral. There are tools that can help us and being aware of triggers and our needs is also important with feeling better. Not being critical is the first step. I have gone through a healthy life coaching program that helped me learn to be curious and not judgemental. Curious about how I am feeling, why I think I may be feeling this way, and being kind to myself. I also have been learning how to move forward, let go of the past, and know I don't have to be stuck with the ways I have dealt with my depression in the past.

Do you see a counselor for your depression? Have you looked into medication for your depression? The combination of both really helped me. I don't spiral much anymore, and when I do feel like I am spiraling, I give myself a break, look at the situation and know I need some down time.

I will be praying for you my friend. Here is an article bit.ly/32eAI9h about depression I found very helpful. Please continue to keep in touch and know you have friends here who understand. Reach out anytime. Hugs and God Bless

[lovetodance2018]

How are you doing this week? I have been praying for you. Hugs

[pandaeyes1 in reply to lovetodance2018]

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I really appreciate it. I’m sorry I didn’t get to replying back to you! It’s been a tough last few days. I spent two days sleeping nonstop, and I just feel like I’m so weak compared to my colleagues who have real problems and are doing fine. I feel like I’m sick, but this sickness is my own fault because I have a weakness personality and I’m too lazy/inept to fix it. People around me have it way worse than I do, but they’re not moping around and being useless like I am. Do I just like feeling sorry for myself? Do I do it out of some secret messed up desire for attention? I just feel so disgusting and so much self loathing. And I don’t really know how to begin to adjust that thinking process.

[lovetodance2018 in reply to pandaeyes1]

Hi Pandaeyes, Thanks for responding. What I hear in your response is your very down on yourself and you compare yourself to others. This is very self-defeating, especially for those of us who struggle with depression. Number one thing to remember depression is not your fault. You are not doing it to yourself. Unfortunately, some of us struggle with a chemical imbalance in our brains. Things can trigger it and make it worse, but it is not something you can control, so don't blame yourself and please try not to compare. What is going on with you is very real and it is a sickness. You need to seek the right help. For me it is a combination of medication and counseling and it took time to find the right ones. Also, knowing you are not alone is a great help for me too. The big things that work for me are: not being hard on myself or judgemental, understanding depression is a real illness (like diabetes is a real illness and when insulin levels are off it affects the whole body, the same things happens when the chemicals in our brain are off it affects the whole body but even worse in my opinion because it affects the mind), saying positive self-talk - I actually have a list I repeat to myself that "I am special, I matter, I have value." I also remind myself that God made us unique and wonderful and He loves each one of us and cares for us. I will be praying for you. PM me anytime I would be happy to chat with you. Hugs and God Bless