Bad night (trigger for some)

[Lyn842]

I've been really depressed, bored and frustrated. I can't do any of the things I use to do. Have some physical issues that have been on going. Because of my depressive state I got mean and unreasonable with my husband. He got mad at me which put me in a really bad place. I have impulse control issues and when I get that way I want to harm myself...permantely. It happens so quickly that I can't just stop, breathe, and think clearly. I wanted to grab a knife and do real damage. I didn't. Went to bed, cried to sleep. Now I'm facing another day not feeling any better and not seeing a way to improve the situation.

[eharvey8]

I've been there, and I'm sorry you're there now. For me on those nights, I do the same thing- go to sleep. You wish you could do more to help but when you can't sleep is always a good break until you can think more clearly. Not sure if it's the same for you, but when I wake up it isn't entirely better, just a more dull/numb feeling, but it usually reduces the scary impulses which is still progress. If you're in that spot now, I would recommend buying yourself some flowers or doing something like that to show yourself some love and appreciation. And for your relationship with your husband and really the other stuff too, for me at least time puts everything back into a place where you can start figuring things out without the stress/impulsiveness of the moment. Again, I'm sorry you're struggling but you are by no means alone- sending love and understanding your way.

[Lyn842 in reply to eharvey8]

Thank you for replying. I am hanging in. Not great by any means. I apologized to my husband as I usually do. When I get in a bad way his reaction is to get mad. He's tired. Tired of my being sick, physically and mentally. He's always trying to cheer me up or do something for me. I feel I am a burden to him. I know I am. Just trying to get thru another day. I got cleaned up and put a pot of chili on. At least that's something. I really just want to take some pills to go to sleep.

[eharvey8 in reply to Lyn842]

First thing: when you say "take some pills to go to sleep," are you talking about damaging pills? If so, please call the hotline number 1-800-273-8255. If you are talking about helpful pills prescribed/suggested by the doctor, then that might be a good idea if that has been helpful in the past. For the relational stuff: We all have issues and problems and we have to deal with our spouse's issues- that's just the nature of relationships, so please don't feel bad for yours, especially since it's a clinical condition. I've heard people say "you wouldn't feel bad about it if it were cancer," and it's really true; it's a clinical condition that we're all doing our best to work through, but we didn't ask it upon ourselves. Plus, I'm sure your husband isn't perfect and there's less-than-perfect parts of him that "burden" you. Also way to go for putting on the chili!! It's hard to get going, but a lot of times once you do that's the first step in the right direction to getting out of your slump (and even if it doesn't help that, you get to eat something yummy). Have you tried doing any meditating (with an app like "Calm" or by yourself)?

[Lyn842 in reply to eharvey8]

Eharvey, thanks for your reply. I've gotten thru today. Not great but surviving. I have not tried that app but just may look it up. My pills are prescribed but taking more than prescribed is not. I know its not right but I have done it. One of these days it just might be too many and I know that but when I am in the middle of an episode where I'm out of control its always on my mind. I have called helpline before and hopefully will if needed. My explosive behavior is not easy to control. Thank you for caring. I hate this illness.

[eharvey8 in reply to Lyn842]

Lyn I hate this illness too but we're all in it together. I've been tempted to take more than prescribed before too, but just think how much it would suck to go down the addiction path because it can happen so easily. Avoiding the pain and difficulty of addiction makes it worth it to me to opt for more natural solutions to my immediate situation as opposed to tempting fate. So glad you've made it through today- that's something to celebrate. Keep hanging in there.

[Lyn842 in reply to eharvey8]

I will do my best. Once again, Thank you.