Bad thoughts

[leah_0600]

I'm about to have a meeting with a CPN but don't know how to explain the bad thoughts I've been having. I was sectioned at the beginning of the year and scared I'm going to be again. I've just been diagnosed with autism too which I haven't got my head around yet. I really don't know what to do I've got a 2 year old toddler that I can barely look after because I can't even look after myself. Can't stop these thoughts

[leah_0600]

Feeling suicidal. Don't want to be sectioned again. CPNs didn't take me seriously so I have no hope

[TheGentleGiant in reply to leah_0600]

You always have hope. Your life doesnt rest in the hands of anyone but you. Only you control your fate, not anyone else. You need to fight to get proper help. You have to be your own advocate because no one else is in your shoes. Talk to your doctor. Go to emerge if your suicidal. Help is out there you just have to fight for it!

[leah_0600 in reply to TheGentleGiant]

I've tried all these avenues before. I'm on medication, gp would just refer me back to CMHT who have already seen me and done nothing and A&E I'd be sectioned again which is not an option for me I have no options left

[TheGentleGiant in reply to leah_0600]

You always have options. This is your life we are talking about. I've been where you are. I've been through hell and back more than once and I can promise you that as long as you never give up on yourself there is always answers and help. Life isn't always easy or fair for anyone. We all have our struggles in life but that's never a reason to quit on ourselves. Don't take no for an answer from your gp or anyone. You have to make people listen no matter what. What are you specifically dealing with that is troubling you so?

[leah_0600 in reply to TheGentleGiant]

I don't have anything wrong in my life everything is pretty much perfect it's just this thing inside me that's making me want to do it - it's not even me

[Hidden in reply to leah_0600]

Can you talk to the CPN about possible outpatient treatment or other alternative therapy so you can remain caretaker of your baby? Are there any friends or family that can either live with you for a bit or take her so you have some time to process. If you're having these thoughts, something is wrong and it's not perfect at all - can you describe "this thing"? What does it say or feel like? You're in my prayers tonight. So sorry for your pain and hope someone comes to help you get the help that you need and deserve- you are a good mum

[leah_0600 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for that. My partners on the phone to the community health team as we speak. I just need some help. I don't know what it is inside me- depression?I don't even get a rest when I sleep because I dream of demons and they are all lucid dreams. My mums an alcoholic and has come round to help but left because she needed a drink and my mother in law suffers from mental health issues too so my partner has had to come home from work to help me today. I just feel like a failure when on the outside my life looks perfect inside I just want to run and hurt myself

[Hidden in reply to leah_0600]

I had nightmares after watching a show that triggered me - one night I woke up, saw my cat and started to strangle him until I was awake enough - he's ok but it sure made me upset. These demons may be something from a show or a conversation you had or heard. Dreams like these don't make you psychotic but show that there is an internal battle about expectations vs reality - to me the demons represent evil you see or experienced and it sounds more like anxiety than depression. I'm not an expert but just my thoughts.

[Hidden in reply to leah_0600]

Why do you feel like a failure?

[leah_0600 in reply to Hidden]

Because Incan barely look after myself let alone my daughterand my partners had to have the day off. I'm on a lot of medication for depression have been diagnosed with it so I'm just worried it's coming back when I was doing so well before. The community health team are going to get back to me. Thank you for your comments it's nice to be listened to x

[gogogirl]

What is a cpn, and what is section?

[leah_0600 in reply to gogogirl]

Community practice nurse from the mental health team and sectioned under the mental health act in a mental health unit

[gogogirl in reply to leah_0600]

Are you in the USA? I wish you the best. There is so much more help for people with autism/asbergers now compared to decades ago. I hope that you get the support you really need so that you can live a good life. One step at a time.

[leah_0600 in reply to gogogirl]

I'm in the UK and there's little to no help here. Thank you for the reply x

[gogogirl in reply to leah_0600]

Sorry to hear that. I am in the USA.

[TheGentleGiant in reply to leah_0600]

You will get through this Leah, just keep at the mental health community until you get the proper help. We are not to blame for our mental health issues, we didn't ask for this. You are not a failure and things will get better I promise. I also suggest researching online and on YouTube your symptoms and watching videos because they will help you understand what your dealing with and it will make better sense and will equip you to deal with your issues.

[leah_0600 in reply to TheGentleGiant]

Thanks. They've put me under the crisis team so they know it's serious. It's a step down from being sectioned and it's to prevent it from happening. Feeling like there is a bit of hope now xx

[TheGentleGiant in reply to leah_0600]

There is always hope!