Please help me

[Orangeblossom85]

I’m really in need of your words. I don’t know what to do and can’t ask for support from my parents or friends. They either put me on bigger guilt trip or tell me that I’m just ignoring problems constantly.

To be utterly honest I do not have a clue how to survive each day, how to face and resolve my problems, how to walk on the streets or stay home as I’m in a constant state of fear.

My life is not going anywhere positive at all. I have problems in each and every area. People treat me like their enemy. And the close ones they don’t want to listen to me or hear me out.

I really don’t know what to do to get back on positive track of life. Currently I’m covered in fear and anxiety and I have very big feeling of guilt, fault plus very negative thoughts.

I was actually planning to do the chart assuming if it’s worth on continue living. I used to have suicidal thoughts, they are gone and I would wish to live but... I’m not sure if it’s worth, if I’m ever gonna be able to restore my life.

I barely work now, if it’s two three hours per day is max. I don’t pick up my phone at all, can only respond to text messages and not to all of them. I almost never check my mail or email. I have huge headaches and sore legs. I avoid people at any kind - my clients, people that I’m having all sort of business deal, friends, all people I know, I also avoid meeting people I know on the streets. The most I would like to sleep the day through. I dream however to do anything to would twist me to positivity. Anything I could get pleasure from.

I prey like a crazy person now, I whisper in my mind all kind of begging. I read bible. I read self help books. I go to psychologist and to a group therapy. I have no medications currently, only Xanax and ambien in case of need.

I dream about magic pill that could take me out of it.

And the worst is that my situation change everyday. There is no stability. One day I manage to achieve something really small and then another thing fall above me. It takes me “ages” to get done with the new problem or I just stock it up.

What to do. Where to go.

Should I leave my place and go work away? Should I deny my feeling of tiredness and go work anyway? What would you suggest to do to cut the bad and start anew?

[hurtingheart1]

I'm sorry and I understand a lot of what you're saying!! I'm not sure if we live in same country?? but if I lived near you I'd try and be there for you and maybe we could b friends who understand and help eachother get better& be happier!!!💞🌸🌻

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hurtingheart1]

I live in Poland. However I feel that internet is without distances.

I would love to get any kind of knowledge what can I do. How to repair it. How to change it. I don’t know what decisions can I make.

How to wake up and leave my bed? What should I do? Should I let my body speak and let it rest or should I put on regime and go work? I was thinking to go to be a waitress to get extra money but I don’t believe i would make it.

My mum is tired with me problems and told me that she would like me to leave the country and make my living somewhere else like Norway. She would want me to pay my debts the fastest possible and also to create my family there. It’s ostracism for me that scares me to death.

I used to dream to have family, that was the only thing I wanted for my life, but now no longer. Even if I would want to have a boyfriend and start something, I resign the next minute I find someone attractive. The idea of informing anyone about the * that is happening in my life make me run away. Not to say that there is always people in common and currently I do not know even a single person in my town (1 million) that would think about me good.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

but wow Poland soo far away!! my heart goes out to you and I feel u I'd would also love help and advice on some of same things!!💞Sad you feel not 1 person would think good about you can this really be true-that can't b true???

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Thank you! I really appreciate!! Very much! I guess that i miss hugging very much, i read some years ago that every person needs 7 hugs per day to have the nerves calmed down. I guess i get seven per month.

I know that seems biased but yes, my town is huge but small at the same type. We have the 5 people rule to know all world shorten to two steps. Once something bad is done, it follows you the whole life. Everywhere people like to talk and give their opinions, it feels like here they give no mercy. Ive ruined pretty everything recently and when I see people I feel like they all know. I went to psychiatric hospital for a being there was amazing and super helpful but leaving the place and discovering that people "worry" about you cause you decided to go to get help its very traumatic. Mostly I would hear that i must be very insane and bored.

I am ashamed of myself but I cant get the time back. I would prefer to somehow get a chance from now and obey. But i don't even know how to do it. Where to start and so on. For most of the things I have plenty of excuses - like i have no money, or i feel tired, or i didnt sleep entire night...

I really dont know.

It feels very sad to me to have my life so completely ruined by being only 27.

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

Sorry my phn battery ran out last night then had to try get some sleep but I wanted to post back again to you-I would def. love to give you some much needed hugs💞💞👐🏼sorry guess I don't have a hug emoji I want/need 1 of those!!!! Anyway you're really going through a lot and I am adding you in my prayers as well!!!🙏🏼I hope your therapy will start helping a bit more and you'll find a bit more happiness- I think it's good advice to keep trying to get help with depression and anxiety also the if people where you live just don't get it(they def. need to learn some compassion& have more love!! Sad for them that they dnt seem to understand what that is or looks like!!!) I understand and know you're not alone!!!💜

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Orangeblossom85]

oh and also I wanted to ask you- you said it was very good and helpful when you were in hospital it was super helpful and amazing is there anyway you can be in touch with the people/Drs there that helped you so much?? What do you think was most helpful there to you can you somehow carry any of it back into your everyday life at all??

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Thank you!!! 🙏🏻

I guess the best in hospital was: isolation from all the problems - money, business, my ex, my mother; also group of young women who suffers either with bipolar or depression - they wanted to talk all the time and were really warm. I didn’t tell my story to anyone, I didn’t have the courage. I was afraid that they may know my ex and as he is a husband and a father I didn’t want his family to go through hell of betrayal.

I was there for a month so didn’t get any kind of psychotherapy. They told me it would be too short. I could go for crafts and meditation. Both were great. My psychiatrist took all the medications off. She said nothing of it helps so there is no reason. She only give me sleeping pills as by that time I didn’t sleep at all. She also said that I’m blooming around people so should go for group therapy - it’s a long wait, but eventually I’m already admitted.

[fauxartist]

wow.....I am so sorry you’re in such a tough spot.....but I have to say....I hear you saying you go to therapy....but your sounding like your social anxiety is getting worse....have you asked your therapist about some coping skills here...I am not a professional and am in no way suggesting what to do is right, but seriously there may be a need of a better medication to help with this....have you been diagnosed with depression?....should you be getting some help with that as well.....are you working with your therapist on what is driving your fears over the edge like this?... it's certainly terribly difficult for you on a daily basis, and I can say that you may want to really try your very hardest to concentrate your best on getting through your job right now.....don't worry about any other social stuff, because if you lose your job....that will really compound the already existing level of anxiety.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you! You cannot expect how grateful I am for your words. I feel alone, not that lonely as alone. I feel in big trouble. I am in it for year and half and I’m somehow used to people coming for me. I run a business, it used to be big but when I got myself into depression, most of the deals went down and business shrink to the last two deals that I cannot resign from until next years. The whole depression cost me tremendous money in the sole aspect of job, I barely can make a month now, i have debts and I have no personal money, I even live at my parents place.

Everyday sky falls on me. Even now my mum just came and told me that my dog has a blister on his paw and she wants me to treat it and then get him to vet. Even calling to make an appointment scares me and makes me cry. I no longer have a capacity to get any bad news. Even if it’s just a blister...

I had depression but it ended somewhere in February. I am off the pills since December last year. Now they write that I have gad. But they don’t medicate me, even when I ask I would like to be on any kind of medication that would ease it all a little bit. My psychologist is from social services as I can’t afford. She doesn’t care. I have visits at 7 am and I missed many as in the morning I am not able to move. She comes late always anyway and she even told me that she doesn’t care about me as I missed many of the meetings. But I try hard at her office and from talking about my dramas with a full smile at my face, I slowly become more real and can even cry. She told me that I suffer from being abandoned by my mum when I was small - she didn’t leave me and she was always home as a stay mum but she never really did anything for me, even food would be served only when my father would come home. Until that time me and my sister we would have to feed ourselves. She spent her days in bed, then with friends and then fighting with my father. She would be very affectionate with my sister but never with me and she would always tell me that it’s all my fault, no matter what was it. That knowledge helped me a lot as I managed to understand my need to belong to someone and my strong strong need for my own family - loving and caring one.

My group therapy has only started in May. I only had a chance to talk once - when I presented my bio. It was horrible for me to listen to the feedback and opinions of others. When I left the place I thought Im packed to death and I guess it resonates me all the time.

[ReardenSt33l]

I am so sorry you’re going through such a tough time I too have been through terrible times in my life and I’m going through one right now.

Going for a walk in nature always tends to help me. I have been to Poland (Warsaw) once and it is such a beautiful place. I hope the weather is nice for you these days.

If your truly aren’t happy at your current job then maybe making a change will be beneficial. But I do believe you should work. Sometimes you need a new start to get back on being happy

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to ReardenSt33l]

I would actually love to find a new job but somehow it seems to be very costly in the aspect of energy!

Thank you very much for your reply! Nice to hear you were in Poland. I live in the most beautiful city of the country. We have 12 millions of tourists passing each year. They all bring wonderful memories back. I also must tell you that I find Poland to be a super beautiful land. The only bad is the people - history shows that well, and even current situation or politics is well marking this.

I think that life is full of bad moments. Moments!! Not that it’s bad entirely. I think we can cope with certain tragedies but there are things that wears us completely, especially if one tragedy being another, the scare doesn’t really make a difference but the duration does. I hate when my “friends” ask me if I’m good already. It’s gonna be two years soon since I started crying in each met face. What can I tell them? That’s the reason I’m gone socially. Moreover I do not feel wanted, I never feel that my presence is beneficial to the group. Not to say that I only felt love once in my life, and that did finish tragically!

I wish that there would be a rescue for us all. Or at least a clue!

I wish so good to you and thank you so much for answering me. I truly need those words. I truly do!