While my life seems great on the outside, it is such a mess in reality. And I’m probably to blame for most of it. I have great intentions and am trying to do the right thing, but it’s either I miss the mark or I’m being perceived as being selfish. I don’t know what to do because it just feels like the decisions I make are the worst, even if at the time, they seem like the right answer. I also don’t know who to go to for guidance, or even just to vent, as I feel like I’ve alienated myself from all of my friends due to work and my relationship.
Overall, I just don’t want the burden of being me anymore. I don’t want my own personal baggage to deal with, I don’t want the responsibilities I have, I don’t even know if I want the good things in my life anymore because they’ve been tainted with my past. I feel so lost and just want to pack everything up and go somewhere where no one knows me (and why would it matter? Everyone here doesn’t seem to care) and start a new life. Honestly, everyone in my life would probably be better off if I did. But starting new isn’t easy and no plan on where to go or how, so I’m sitting in this mess, wishing I was out, until the day I make a real decision and probably fuck up again.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Written by
goodnightmoon
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I’m working toward that. I’ve had some discouraging issues with trying to set it up in the past, but hoping to find something that works. Definitely need it with how bad it’s gotten recently. Thank you.
Here is the the most messed up thing for those of us that have struggled with either suicide thoughts or suicidal ideations.....I've lost more than a few people to suicide. They felt exactly the same...a burden to all, lonely, tired, frustrated, scared....but when they took their life, I hadn't ever seen such big funerals, memorial services, school counseling for kids. They say for each suicide it impacts over 40 people in your world. I have come to terms with the fact that most of my loved ones have left me in my darkest hours which are right now. It kind of feels like social media to some degree......you can post and respond and make things seem perfect. These people would show up because they did care but then they get hit with the fact that they left you and were very selfish.
Quite honestly most of the people I know are just selfish. Many of us on this site are the opposite. We want to give back and we want to feel healthy. Many times I wonder if I'm not the mentally ill person, but the narcissistic and mean people around me are the ones that should be called mentally ill. I have one sister who gets it, she is empathetic. I have another sister who is an addict and hasn't ever tried to be in my life. She has attempted suicide several times and failed. To this day, she has yet to do counseling or even try an inpatient stay (30 years). Instead she Doc shops and gets multiple scripts filled in various states and even steals my Mom's sleeping and pain pills who is at end stage parkinsons. The world can be very cruel but when you find the very few people that bring out your inner light, you realize you just need a few relationships to feel sound and solid. Friends need to be equals. I've had more break ups with friends than boyfriends in my life due to my inability to deal with their drama. You coming to this forum is a great first step. As Dolphin mentions therapy, I agree it is key. I have a PTSD focused counselor that has helped me change my thoughts and is a true life line. This site is a life line as well!
Yeah, I feel like I don’t have many true friends. I kind of go in/out of people’s lives pretty fluidly and I’m probably apart of the blame, but doesn’t feel like anyone ever seeks me out overall. I don’t think a lot of the people around me actually understand what I’m going through and I rarely feel actually “seen.” I’m trying to work with my resources to make time for therapy because I don’t think I can handle this on my own anymore. I’m hoping it works out because I’ve tried a couple other times and was not successful for different reasons.
I think a lot of people put forth a good image but are not okay. Depression and anxiety is high. Try not to focus on the past watch some Eckhart Tolle videos on YouTube about staying in the now. It's all we really have. I had to cut back social media.
I’ve definitely cut back on socials and have temporarily deleted them today as I can’t stand the noise anymore for the time being. It’s just more information overload. I wish our world moved slower rather than faster everyday.
hello oh I can relate! I feel a lot of how you are feeling! Oh therapy is the way to go! I liked what Dolfin 14 had to say! Even taking a class in something can pull you out and therapy!
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I don’t want
I don’t want to live
I don’t know what I’m doing
I just need to vent
I just want to be alright
