Probably a triggering post. But an update with me.

[comb]

Haven't written in a while...but this past week has been insanity. I've been dealing with some very intense suicidal ideation. The headlines, the overwhelming stress at work, sudden epiphanies related to my ptsd. Almost losing my psychiatrist. Talking with friends about their active suicidal thoughts...

I've been so intensly triggered. This weekend I really tried to take it easy, but I ended up writing a letter to the person who raped me and it brought a lot of things up. I realized that I've felt like it was my fault forever.

Dealing with these thoughts and triggers and stress...it's overwhelmed me to a point of despair. I feel really dark and low and depressed. And I can't even seem to express how low I feel to anyone but hopefully my therapist tomorrow. Ugh.

[fauxartist]

Awe comb....it's never your fault when someone takes our trust away like that....never.

That was an incredibly brave thing you did writing this letter....you’re not a victim...and yes your surviving...become your own advocate, become a warrior to take your power back....yes....many of us here completely understand what you’re talking about, we too have lived through this....and we too are damaged...but not destroyed...we are fighting to come back....day at a time and baby steps but we are all going to try our best to get back....you have to know you’re in good company here with women, and yes...some men too....who have survived rape...something no one should have to endure or could understand unless they walked in your shoes.

I've noticed a tremendous amount of talk here on the site lately of the ‘S’ word, and it has increased quite a bit from others sharing feelings the same as you....one thing to try and remember is... people will go down that road of thinking when triggered by what they see too, when it is all over the media, who sell their stories on tragedy and pain. Sure the news is there for a reason, but it's the hype that ergs me. People like us here who have fought these battles with the 'S' word, and those who are already on a slippery slope some days, just don't need any pushes cause of the media hype, etc...

We need solutions....support.....and understanding. Take the stigma out of talking about why we are feeling this way and what can we do to get our head out of that space.

[comb in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. This place is kind of a magical spot because I can connect with others and not have someone put me down for feeling a certain way. Thank you.

[CazO46]

I'm so sorry comb that you are having to deal with all these horrible feelings. Rape is NEVER the victims fault. I think when we are searching for answers that make sense our minds can take us to places it shouldn't. I'm wondering if it is more helpful to speak to your therapist than to your friends if you feel they may be adding to your difficulties right now? The rest of life can seem more difficult to deal with when you do down. I hope that the feeling passes for you and get the chance to work on being happy again and living the life you deserve. Take care friend xx

[comb in reply to CazO46]

Thank you. You know I just got off the phone with my friend and it just felt like he was telling me what I should be doing, what I could be doing, how I should be thinking. Its frustrating. Just for a moment I wanted someone to listen and not tell me I'm not doing enough. But then I came back here and read these comments and felt better. Thank you for being here when no one else really knows what to say.