Don't know what to do...

[CJ2016]

So in two weeks i am going away,and the temperature in the location i am going to is much warmer then where i live,although lately it has been hot here,i have been able to somewhat endure the heat.

However the temp will be much hotter there,so i have a lot of self harm scars(going on 5 months clean still get crazy urges and have been comfort eating like hell the last day or 2 due to my pooch needing surgery 2 weeks before me flying away and her being an elder as well now as well as having to drive my mother to hospital for appointments nearly every week and having to help my father when he is overly fatigued due to his ms) anyway back on topic however to me the scars are noticeable,now i have never told anyone about my battle with self harming or my mental health for that matter.

I am going away with my best friend that i have known since high school,however i do not intend for them to know about what goes on in my brain because it's just not something i want to share with the people around me,i am kind of a private person(and do not open my self up to anyone around me because i just cant do it).

Anyway so the saga being my scars are healed they are not deep(but there are a lot of them),but i am paranoid about him maybe spotting them but also everyone else around me spotting them,ive managed to get away with constantly wearing a hoodie up until now,where its starting to get that warm where people are asking why the heck am i wearing a hoody in this heat.

Even though i am in truth boiling alive under the hoody,i am paranoid about any scars being seen,in my mind i see it as if i can see them then everyone else can see them,and i just hate when people around me ask questions.

Also due to having a major downer for a while(im ok now somewhat leveled out even with all the stress going on) i got fat,again,and i hate wearing t-shirts that show my shape because i hate being fat,but more so due to the scars on my arms.

Ive been left with a choice of trying to buy long sleeve t-shirts,or long sleeve shirts(either case i am pretty skint after paying for the holiday)and with the vet bills coming up money is tight.

But yeah i really don't what know what to do,i feel in a bit of a predicament.

[Nlc72]

I’m a private person as well, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone you can talk to about what’s going on with you. It might help with your anxiety? But if your still not comfortable, maybe just keep all of your activities inside so it’s not too hot. Are you still self harming? Hope all goes well.

[CJ2016 in reply to Nlc72]

Yeah the most i ever told him was that i had thoughts about self harming,that was a year before i actually did start self harming,as for staying inside we have booked about 3 tours to go on when going away so will be outside a lot,will also include a lot of walking.

And to be honest i find it very very very difficult to be open with anyone as i feel like i have to be strong and just not have anything wrong with me because i am depended on a lot and also i dont really want to put the stress of what goes on with me onto anyone else especially my parents or brother(who almost died last year from a flesh eating bug).

I have not cut in going on 5 months,the urge is always there,even more so when i become overly stressed,but if its not cutting its food,so guess you could consider it another form of self harm.

But yeah at the moment i have kept the blades i have out of sight as to not give in to the urge to cut although its just a constant nag in the back of my mind.

[Nlc72 in reply to CJ2016]

That’s great to hear about you not cutting for 5 months. Maybe try using makeup concealer? You could carry it with you in your pocket while you guys are out. Since you’ve already told him you thought about self-harming, you still wouldn’t feel comfortable letting him know that you have actually done it ? That way you don’t have to worry about covering your scars the whole time you guys hang out, and can enjoy his company. Again, good luck.

[CJ2016 in reply to Nlc72]

Thanks and i I would feel far from comfortable telling him that i have actually self harmed,he is my best friend and all but its not a trust issue its just that i have always kept my emotions to my self if i can and everything that goes on in my head i have also kept to my self. I know if i told him he wouldnt tell anyone else but i just cant bring my self to open up like that.

I have had suicidal thoughts thoughts since the age of like 13/14 i actually never planned my future because i always thought/hoped i would die young(now im 30 and consider my self an old fart) but i have never told anyone around me that because its just something i have always battled alone.

I try not to think to far into the future,because i hate what it holds,in regards to the health of the people i love,but its just something i have always had to contend with,its just that i guess self harming made it a little bit more problamatic then when it was just having thoughts i guess.

[Nlc72 in reply to CJ2016]

Hey I’m 31...birthday in a few days. We’re far from old. : )

[CJ2016 in reply to Nlc72]

haha,to be honest i thought i was old when i turned 18,my neighbour said the other day i am the oldest 30 year old he has ever met(because he thinks i am miserable as hell) also happy b-day for in a few days

[Nlc72 in reply to CJ2016]

That’s awful to hear! And thank you.

[Hidden]

Would make up help? I know movie stars cover up tattoos.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

yeah i have thought about it but no doubt it costs a crazy amount to buy decent colour matching stuff and i honestly cant afford it,but it is a good shout.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

Couldn’t hurt to try some of the cheap stuff. If it don’t work no one will know. Who knows you might be able to mix up your own colors.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

yeah could do after all self serve checkouts do have that benefit of being more private and not appear so strange for a guy buying a ton of makeup.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

I didn’t know you were a guy. I apologize. What about a temporary tattoo?

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Haha its all good,and yeah that would probably be worse then the makeup i think haha,i hope that when i can afford to get some sleeves done eventually,if i can stay clean of cutting.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

I hear ya. I don’t have any tattoos. My brother and sister do. I am not into body art. It’s not for me.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

i hear you,each to their own,i have zero tatts so would be jumping str8 into the deep end.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

I hear they can be addicting. I wouldn’t go the mike Tyson route though. The face tattoo looks painful.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

yeah hopefully i dont go down that road i tend to get odd addictions be it food,exercise,sex or cutting,thats why i have always pretty much stayed away from drugs and drink.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

My father used to tell me and my siblings as long as it’s legal I don’t care what you do. I don’t drink or do drugs either.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thats sound advice,and yeah stay away from that crud although i drink socially now and then but tend to make it very rare occasions plus its come to the point where when i do go out to drink it turns my stomach to the point i end up throwing it up anyway.

Also i have smoked weed now and then but again very rarely touch it,last time i did i had a whitey and felt like my heart was about to explode out of my chest so that has put me off of it again. so yeah just not things i would ever want to get addictions for.

[Hidden in reply to CJ2016]

That takes courage to know and admit your limits. I don’t drink mostly because I always lived with my parents. They wouldn’t tolerate me drinking and not working so. I was also diagnosed with liver disease due to rapid weight loss. Drinking could literally kill me now.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

Yeah not worth the risk man,and rapid weight loss,thats crazy,i mean i lost 6 stone(84 lbs) in a 6 - 7 month period because i was on a crazy energy different level kind of feeling and became a health nut and counted every single calorie as well as exercised 4 days a week and yeah was an unexplainable feeling felt awesome though i would deff love to have that natural high again.

[hypercat54 in reply to CJ2016]

Hi I think you would feel a big release if you could tell your friend. Keeping it to yourself hasn't got you anywhere CJ and the more you open up about your feelings the easier it will be. Eventually you might even be able to get medical help.

I get concerned about you as the main cause of suicide in the western world for men aged between 25-40 is suicide. I think this is because men are less likely than woman to seek help. I would hate you to be a statistic and even opening up has to be better than that. On the plus side well done for not cutting for the past 5 months. Cutting isn't sustainable long term as you could well end up doing permanent nerve or ligament damage. I remember reading a post on here about someone who just did a normal cut and suddenly lots of flesh separated and they had to go to the hospital. Cutting will damage your flesh and this could happen to you. As well as you have found out it's difficult in the hot weather isn't it.

As far as buying foundation get the nearest matching colour to your skin and look for a matt one. Paying around a fiver will get you a half decent one. Take care sweetheart. xx

[CJ2016 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks and yeah i know your right,and apperciate the reply, and yeah the hot weather sucks big time espcially more so due to the past cutting and i do hope i can keep away from giving into that urge,i mean sometimes its like a constant thing thats there no matter what your doing.

Its difficult to explain really i guess its the same as a drug addict i guess when they need that next hit,in my case i honestly don't know i dont even feel the pain from cutting but even though the urge to cut deeper has always been there i have always resisted and now i have no blades in sight so i have been trying to lesson the temptation i guess it has worked to an extent.

I have read tha the urge will always be there and should lessen over time after 5 months i thought it wouldnt be as strong but i guess feeling a bit more stressed is not helping.

[hypercat54 in reply to CJ2016]

Hi I think being so brave coming in here and opening up to us has made a big difference to you and this is one very good reason why you have managed to resist cutting. I think you have changed more than you know and I am keen for you to take the next healing steps when you feel ready.

Hey I will do you a deal - I have lung disease (only mild) but finally managed to stop smoking last August. I am still getting cravings which I think shouldn't still be bad. I won't smoke if you don't cut! Ok? x

[CJ2016 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks and glad you stopped smoking need more good folks like you in the world,and i will try my best not to cut,after all its been 5 months so whats another day and another day and ill just continue like that x

[hypercat54 in reply to CJ2016]

Aw thank you CJ that is very kind of you to say so. You can include yourself in the good folks brigade too

I guess in a way not smoking despite the craving is a bit like you with cutting. It's a constant itch which drives me mad and makes me eat instead. I have put on over 2 stone and feel like a big fat cow! xx

[CJ2016 in reply to hypercat54]

you are welcome,and honestly putting on 2 stone is not to bad,2 stone is better then what that tar from cigarettes does to you.

I put 6 stone back on over a 2 year period that's what kind of set off the whole self harm punishing my self because i lost 6 stone then put it all back on when i went back down hill from my cloud 9 experience.

It was like going to the highest peak on the rollercoaster being on cloud 9 then an instant drop that i had zero control over was a major bummer. xx

[hypercat54 in reply to CJ2016]

Well you have lost it before and you will again my love. It's better to be overweight than to cut or smoke after all. I now have this fat old lady following me around - I don't know who she is but I wish she would go away! xx

[CJ2016 in reply to hypercat54]

I hope so,and dont be so harsh on your self,its never to late to try and make changes to any diet really,i mean exercise is not a requirement weight can be managed through diet alone but exercise does help but if your not as mobile then diet alone still works. xx

[Nlc72 in reply to CJ2016]

All drugstores, Walmart, target, etc.. have great concealers. Grab a few if you’re unsure about the color. If you have time before you meet your best friend Kat von D makes concealers meant to cover tattoos. You can order it online, you wouldn’t have to worry about Checking out in a store. It’s a little pricey though.

[hypercat54 in reply to Nlc72]

CJ is in the UK and we don't (as far as I know) have Walmart here. x

[MARYRD27]

Cosmetic solutions are only temporary. You really need a therapist to get to the root of your self-harming. Good luck.