I don't know what to do

[Ivy_chan5]

I am a university student living with my parents and my uncle. My exams are 5 days away and I have barely managed to complete 40% of the syllabus because of a lot of problems in my family. Since childhood I have experienced a lot of quarrels between my parents and my uncle. He is my dad's younger brother . He is unemployed and doesn't contribute anything to the family. On the top of this , he is an alcoholic and blames my dad for it. My parents have tried everything in their power to make him understand the situation. My mom has developed hypertension and paranoia while my dad has been facing a lot of health problems,too. I, too have been facing anxiety and a lot of health troubles which have become more serious from the past few years. I do not want my parents to go separate ways for no fault of theirs as the tension between them has been increasing with them blaming each other for not finding a solution. My dad used to hope that he would improve as he is his only brother. My dad is almost ready to cut ties with him but still can't let go of my uncle completely. My uncle doesn't treat my parents well and is good at faking illnesses. I do not hate my uncle .. I want to be brave enough to be able to cope with this problem. I want to help my parents and I don't want anything to happen to them. I don't want them to pass away. 😭 I care for them.. they, too want to solve this problem but are unable to... I have never told this to anyone ever... I thank you all in advance for reading this post.. I love life and would love to talk with you guys, too .. we all can help each other.. ❤

[4woody]

Hi Ivy. Sorry to hear your family is facing so many relationship issues. I’ve been through a lot myself and have learned the hard way that I have very little influence on anyone else’s choices. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term ‘enabling’, but it what it sounds like your parents have been doing this with your uncle for quite some time. I too used to hope that my siblings would change. They did not. It is unbelievably hard to let go of siblings. It is doable. I’m sure you hate feeling powerless as much as I have. What might be empowering for you is to begin in the midst of this family turmoil to live your life in spite of family. Again, it is incredibly hard, but it is doable. It is also the most likely action to help your parents move from the place they have been living, a place of disfunction. Can you find a place for the next few days to pull yourself together? Maybe within your home, maybe somewhere else. Trust your elders to take responsibility for their choices while you take responsibility for your? Hope to hear how it goes.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to 4woody]

Thanks a lot for your help. I will consider it. As you said I'll try to take a break from this matter for a few days. I'll focus on my studies. Thank you so much for making me understand that after all it's my parents who are going to take decisions, not me. Have a nice day. I'll keep in touch with you. I'm sorry for the hardships you faced and am happy to know that you have withstood them. Let's do our best!❤

[4woody in reply to Ivy_chan5]

Well said, Let’s do our best.

[Hidden]

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear about your tough situation at home. Has your uncle ever lived out on his own? I do agree with 4woody in that perhaps there is some enabling of the behavior and support so your uncle relies on it. Are you able to move out of the house or live with a friend or other relative until your studies are done? I'm impressed that you are in school and despite your situation you still love life. What an amazing attitude!

Just going off of what I am reading I do think that this is issue with your uncle is something your father should handle. It is his choice by not cutting off ties - but I understand, it is so hard to do when you love someone and have hope for them. And when you may feel responsible for them in some way. But you sound young and have so much ahead of you. Like I said above, maybe it would be good for you to get away from that environment for a while. Although they are your parents and you love them, I think that this is their issue not yours. It is their home. If you can just find a way to get a release, being around others who make you feel good about yourself, or find a place where you can focus to study, or going for a walk to get away from the situation that may help. See how you feel then maybe you can take another step towards moving away from it...just for a while. You deserve to be in an environment that makes you feel relaxed and at peace.

[Ivy_chan5 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks a lot for your help. Yes, my father had rented a flat for my uncle to live in for almost a year. But he did not try to improve.. instead he doubled my father's expenses. My father tried warning him by telling him that it was his last chance to improve but it did not happen... Thanks 4woody and you for letting me know about enabling. I think I understand it. As you both have suggested, I'll take a break from this situation and focus on my studies. Thank you so much for making me understand that it's my parents' issue. Thank you for that sweet compliment. Have a nice day. I'll do my best.❤