Hi all. I am 23 and have struggled with social anxiety and adhd my entire life. Through grade school, college, now work life. I have also struggled with an eating disorder, a brief bout of self harm, and occassional depression that is not very heavy.
I started taking adderal a few months ago due to my attention problems at work. I care about my success, but I am failing. I'm apathetic at work and don't go to lengths on my own time to make sure I excel at work. All I want to do is skip from one hobby to the next.
The problem is..I have just received a performance improvement plan. Meaning I have 30 days to improve or I'm fired. Now, this failure at work is not completely my fault. Management has been extremely poor and I'm now being placed with someone I'm sure I'll do better with. But I am so upset about receiving this PIP. I've been crying every day for the last week. This was on top of my already increasing anxiety and low self esteem recently. I am nearing a relapse in the eating disorder as well.
If I have a conversation with someone, many times I walk away and in my head I hear my voice saying "you're so stupid." "God I hate myself." or if I look in the mirror after a social interaction that I was uncomfortable with I hear "you're so ugly." i don't like looking at myself in the mirror. I avoid social interactions with co-workers as much as I can and it is causing me to fail. Maybe I have turned apathetic at work as a way of ignoring my issues. I deal with excessive rumination over past social interactions between friends, family, and co-workers. I visibly cringe at the thought or make an audible grunt to make the thoughts cease.
I need this to stop but I am resisting therapy and treatment. I'm afraid I can't afford therapy or a psychiatrist and I don't want to have to ask off work to go to appointments. Please help. I am so lost and scared of having to tell a stranger (psychiatrist/therapist/doctor) these things in person. I freeze up and cannot tell the whole story. And I am terrified to write it down and hand it to my doctor because I worry what he will think of me. Even though I know it's his job. I know it is irrational thinking, and I am so frustrated. Writing this out makes me realize how bad the situation is. If you've read to the end, sorry this was so long and thank you for reading it. I would love advice and to hear others experiences.