I don't know what to do

Hi all. I am 23 and have struggled with social anxiety and adhd my entire life. Through grade school, college, now work life. I have also struggled with an eating disorder, a brief bout of self harm, and occassional depression that is not very heavy.

I started taking adderal a few months ago due to my attention problems at work. I care about my success, but I am failing. I'm apathetic at work and don't go to lengths on my own time to make sure I excel at work. All I want to do is skip from one hobby to the next.

The problem is..I have just received a performance improvement plan. Meaning I have 30 days to improve or I'm fired. Now, this failure at work is not completely my fault. Management has been extremely poor and I'm now being placed with someone I'm sure I'll do better with. But I am so upset about receiving this PIP. I've been crying every day for the last week. This was on top of my already increasing anxiety and low self esteem recently. I am nearing a relapse in the eating disorder as well.

If I have a conversation with someone, many times I walk away and in my head I hear my voice saying "you're so stupid." "God I hate myself." or if I look in the mirror after a social interaction that I was uncomfortable with I hear "you're so ugly." i don't like looking at myself in the mirror. I avoid social interactions with co-workers as much as I can and it is causing me to fail. Maybe I have turned apathetic at work as a way of ignoring my issues. I deal with excessive rumination over past social interactions between friends, family, and co-workers. I visibly cringe at the thought or make an audible grunt to make the thoughts cease.

I need this to stop but I am resisting therapy and treatment. I'm afraid I can't afford therapy or a psychiatrist and I don't want to have to ask off work to go to appointments. Please help. I am so lost and scared of having to tell a stranger (psychiatrist/therapist/doctor) these things in person. I freeze up and cannot tell the whole story. And I am terrified to write it down and hand it to my doctor because I worry what he will think of me. Even though I know it's his job. I know it is irrational thinking, and I am so frustrated. Writing this out makes me realize how bad the situation is. If you've read to the end, sorry this was so long and thank you for reading it. I would love advice and to hear others experiences.

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  • I'm so sorry to hear about your tremendous struggles. Just having the ADHD is a huge struggle and may be the original problem that you did nothing wrong to get. You were most likely born with it and from it probably stems the depression and job apathy and social difficulties. I married an ADD man and had 3 sons with ADD and ADHD and depression and LD... learning disabilities. ADD and ADHD are learning disabilities on their own plus are socially disabling for many people. My husband's mom is "hyper" as about 100 of her relatives and friends refer to her. They didn't have the testing we have today when she was younger. But we know how ADD and ADHD is passed down through families. My point here is that you can't be blamed for being ADHD, it's not a choice.

    When you're ready you know you need a psychiatrist because you're a complicated patient to treat. Why not put out some feelers for a referral to a good psychiatrist and a good counselor? Ask people you know to ask their doctors for a name of good Drs. and do the same yourself. You don't have to make an appointment immediately, and it will take a little time to hear back from everyone. Also you can search online for good reviews.

    Why not ask yourself "Do I really want this job?" You seem to not be so sure that you want your job. Think about how you'll feel if you don't have this job to go to. Will you feel released from it? Or will you feel kind of panicky that you have lost it's income? Can you easily find another job?

    Now ask yourself what will happen if you continue to stay the same and not get help for your depression. Right now you're paralyzed into inaction. Kind of frozen. What will happen? You'll just get worse, is my guess. You'll keep on sliding downward. Is this what you want? To be trapped in a downward direction? Until you can't move and just sit or lay in bed? Wait for someone to come and get you and put you in a hospital? Why not pick your future instead of someone picking it for you? Maybe a stranger who came with the paramedics that were called? Because you will have to have other people probing into your life either way. Why not be in control? You pick the time and place. You'll get better sooner.

    I got to a place where I couldn't work anymore. I called in and had to say I wouldn't be coming to work anymore. I was so anxious and trembling I couldn't eat or sleep. A friend of a friend took me under her wing and helped me through this miserable hellish time. I made an appointment with her psychiatrist who turned out to be fantastic. I went on Tranxene/clorazepate for GAD and eventually got my anxiety under control. I then became very very depressed. I was put on Prozac/fluoxetine for major depression and eventually I wasn't depressed. This worked for about 15 years and then it was time to change meds and continue to be healthy and happy. I highly recommend you get treated because it's fantastic to feel good again or even if you never felt really good this may be better than you ever felt. You CAN recover from how you feel now and go on with a great life! Why not start now?

  • Thank you for your response. I can tell you have actually put thought into my situation and that means a lot.

    I absolutely believe that adhd is the root cause for my social anxiety. Which is the cause of my other issues that I've faced. I have been diagnosed with both adhd and GAD by a psychologist. My mother has severe adhd and it has been passed to my siblings and me.

    I like to believe that I can overcome this on my own. But at times like this I'm doubtful and can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live this way forever.

    So it is really a matter of time until things crumble from beneath me or until I crumble from beneath myself and take action. "You pick the time and place." is a pretty convincing. It's so difficult to pick up the phone to call.

    "When you're ready you know you need a psychiatrist because you're a complicated patient to treat." yes :( I do not want to trust my GP with such a complicated issue. This is so hard.

    This is my first job so I can't ruin it because I will lose a reference and really great period of experience. I don't know if the job isn't cut out for me or if I am just too apathetic. The right job for me will not pay well and will aggravate my Chiari Malformation. If I can get the skill set down of my current job I think I will enjoy it. But building the skill set is difficult with my circumstances.

    I don't think I have much choice at this point than to try treatment..my dad is an emotional stone wall and my mom refuses to face her own intense anxiety and adhd so I am stuck here feeling embarassed to use her insurance to go to a psychiatrist.

  • I don't think it's crumbling to stand up and reach for the phone when it's not easy to do so and make appointments to (1) see a psychiatrist to get diagnosed accurately and possibly prescribed meds and (2) get a counselor and get started with dealing with your diagnoses and treatment options and life in general. It takes courage and willpower to take control of your life.

    Why would you be on your mom's insurance but not on your own job's? Can you take a leave of absence from your job? Do you want to so you can come back to build the skill set you need when you're feeling better and stronger? Or is now a bad time to ask for leave since you've received the PIP?

    Who will know that you're using your mom's insurance that you'd be embarrassed in front of? Family? Will that be so bad? Can you live with that vs. not getting help at all?

    Yes, this is hard and you've been dealt a tough hand. We all have been who have major depression and anxiety. Life is tough and then it gets tougher. But we're better off getting the best help we can. We will suffer less for doing that and I'm all for suffering less. I hope and pray you get good Drs. to take care of you. You are your best advocate and you must stand up for yourself, no matter how crummy you may feel at the time.

  • I've made an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday. I still have not made it a day without crying. I'm going to request Lexapro and hope for the best.

  • It's not your fault. Try to stop telling yourself hateful things.

  • I'm glad you made the app't. I'll be hoping and praying for the best results for you. Be prepared to let the Dr. be the one in charge and prescribe what he/she feels is best for you. Is this a GP? Do you want to stay with a GP or do you want to ask for a recommendation for a good psychiatrist?

    Hannah821 makes a good point. Please only talk positive self talk. Correct yourself if you say negative things to yourself. You are valuable and worthwhile. Do not put yourself down ever. Will you do that?

  • I have a psychology report from 2014 suggesting wellbutrin, lexapro, or celexa. Wellbutrin has a pretty high risk of seizure in past or present eating disorder patients. So I don't want to take that. Lexapro I've read is better for anxiety than celexa.

    I don't have time to get with a psychiatrist right now. I need to improve my mind fast and workflow as well, which I am working on actively. So I feel my only choice is my GP at the moment. I have been told by others that it is all shooting in the dark at some point to find a medication that suits you, whether you're with a psychiatrist or not. I'm not sure how true that is but I will start with the GP and explore psychiatric options once I'm not hanging on to my job for dear life while revising my resume at the same time.

    The thoughts are hard to control. I try not to have them but they come anyway. Day and night. Loudly and intrusively in times of panic from a social encounter. I know it's not true what the thoughts say but something inside of me must believe it. I really hate living with this 'disability', so to speak. I seem normal from the outside, so I am not taken seriously when I complain of the issue to someone close to me. I think they really cannot grasp the silent suffering. I don't want to hate my mind and myself because I dont deserve that. It is terrible though.

  • Yes, it's terrible about the suffering and the negative thoughts that intrude but you must not accept them. You can calmly let them happen but just as calmly let them slip on by and fall to the ground, unwanted and rejected by you. Then you can replace the negatives with comforting positive thoughts called "secure thoughts". If you see a psychiatrist you just might have schizoaffective disorder diagnosed if you tell him/her about the intrusive thoughts. A GP isn't qualified to diagnose that. This is food for thought.

    I agree you really don't deserve to hate your mind and yourself. Don't go there. And see a psychiatrist first before you do that. Even if it's just to get a 2nd opinion.

  • Can my GP refer me or should I find one on my own? I am nervous to tell him.

  • self-compassion.org/the-thr... this has been a great resource for me

  • Great link!

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