Venting

I suffer ongoing depression. I’m not sure what causes it, as it varies with each episode. Most recently, my granddaughter who I cared for seven years decided to live with her Mom. It was/is a positive for both but it has changed my world dramatically. I’m unable to create a new reality. It has been almost six months and I’m becoming worse. I’m isolating myself from family, friends and church. Although I know what I’m doing I can’t control my inability to leave my home or even shower. I am on disability due to an accident that happened in 2008. I work part-time from my home. Even though I’ve experienced this many times during my lifetime and know it will eventually end, I can’t do the positive things my brain tells me to make things better. I’m on medication that is a big help. I read, pray, yet nothing is helping me go out of the house or even shower. I make grand plans each evening and fail to follow. I’m fifty-nine and have experienced these episodes all of my life. In my earlier years, I failed to recognize or acknowledge due to the stigma of mental illness. In hindsight, I’ve become aware to this illness’ effect on my inability to hold a job for longer than five years, maintain relationships (married five times), to tell the truth due to insecurities..... As I approach my sixtieth birthday in August, I fear that I’ll never have ongoing love and peace. 😢

[Hidden]

Thank you Strongheartforever. I’ve never considered that I may have bad feelings about my granddaughter. As mentioned, it was a decision that needed to be made for both her and her Mom. There’s so much going on that it was difficult for me to keep up with the emerging happenings of her Tween World! I returned to Alabama and am finding it difficult to fit in after living in Northern California. I’m blessed to have both parents alive. Unfortunately, they aren’t in good health. This too has been a challenge. Mom is in a care facility and Dad currently lives alone. I haven’t made time to visit either of them on a regular basis. Writing the blurb above helped. I may start journaling or at least writing to help distract the energy that is fueling my depression. I appreciate your feedback.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I miss my niece who I used to babysit when I was agoraphobic. I watched her from two till she was four. Now she is 16. She hardly talks to any one in the family. We are all “old” now. Typical teenager only wants her friends now. My brother moved to another state so I don’t see them as much. My niece was born with a rare heart condition called HCM. It is hard to think she could pass at anytime. We were close. In fact after they found the heart murmur and she had to go to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore she insisted I go with her. I had over come agoraphobia by that time but had never left the state I live in. I went with her any way because she said I made her feel safe. Baltimore is not as crowded as New York City is all I can say.

[gogogirl]

Please shower- you deserve to have good hygiene. You also deserve to spend time with family. Sounds like they really care about you. Perhaps you can volunteer also.

[Hidden]

Hi and welcome Pirate76,

I hear you. My heart goes out to you, my dear sister in the struggle. <3 BIG HUGS