Venting

[gilded_masquerade]

I want to post thing because I just want to get some things off my chest, I apologize if this is long. I’d also like to add that no, I don’t have access to a therapist as I don’t have the money or a way into the city to see one and there’s NONE in my town. I’m also no longer on meds as it only made me suicidal.

Lately I’m FEELING like I’m better off not in this world, I’m NOT going to act on it but lately it’s been a recurring thought. My health anxiety has been hitting me hard as of late and my depression is still touching the surface, I don’t know if seasonal depression is adding to it or not.

I’ve made some progress; I’m doing more to try to keep myself busy and I have been going for walks even if it is only around the block.

Apart from that; I’m still inside the majority of the time as I live in a rural town with not much to do, especially in winter. I feel like I’ve been robbed of my life, like I can’t or won’t be able to do normal things ever again. I’m well aware that these things will always be a part of me but right now it feels like they’ve taken over.

Any little ache or pain I have I go into instant panic and call my mum, I’m 24 and I still live and run to my parents when my anxiety gets to be too much.

For a few days, I was doing well. A ache or pain would happen and I’d be able to ignore it and I wouldn’t feel ANY bodily symptoms, I started feeling like I was finally working through my fears but then maybe 2 days ago it started up again.

I feel like shit because I’m the kind of person who wants to go on road trips or hangout with friends and do all this stuff outside but I’m constantly in fear about my health and I have NO idea what triggered it in the first place.

I feel like a ticking time bomb. I don’t have money for a therapist nor a way to see one and I don’t want to even consider meds after being on the verge of killing myself because of them. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want my life back.

[LadyZen]

I think it's great you have parents to turn to. I didn't really have that at your age.

[Bluetj]

I think u r doing wonderful. If it's any consolation I'm experiencing the same thing, twice ur age plus some & I do everything possible not to call my mom crying. The only reason I don't call her is because I don't want to worry her. Any time I go back to visit her I still crawls n her bed because I feel safe. U say ur not on meds? I went off my meds last year & completely lost it. I give u a BIG KUDOS for being ur age, not on meds & staying strong. U got this thing beat more than u know. 💪🏽👍🏽

[gilded_masquerade]

Thank you both, I’ve just been feeling like I’m losing lately. I’m also having a hard time with figuring out how to get through it or fight against it with so many people or sources telling me what I should and shouldn’t do. I’ve always helped everyone around me as much as possible to the point where I stopped helping myself. Now I’m trying to figure out how to do exactly that..

[gilded_masquerade]

The closest thing I have to therapy at the moment is a program called “Bounceback”. It’s an over the phone thing and is 6 sessions. I get workbooks and an amount of time to work on them then my coach calls me and we talk about the workbook and do a quick assessment of how I’ve been feeling/doing since the last call, each cal is 2 weeks apart. I’m the kind of person who usually prefers face to face as I get more out of it but I went to bounceback as a last resort because I didn’t know what else to do that doesn’t cost me money...money’s tight for me right now...

[gilded_masquerade]

I am a bit thanks 🙂 I didn’t do a whole lot over the weekend other than going to emerg but it did give me a sense of relief for some lingering concerns I’ve had. Depressions hitting me a bit at the moment, which I find if I’m not anxious I’m depressed 😅 I think bounceback is helping by giving me tools to work with although sometimes I don’t know how exactly to use them (other than to put them into practice) plus it helps that I have the hard copy books so I can refer back to them later. Hope you had a good weekend and that you’re doing well! 🙂