Venting

This is my first post here, and I think I’m only here because these past few weeks I have been closer to killing myself than ever. I can’t even remember what being happy feels like, and sometimes it feels like happiness isn’t even real like it’s some made up concept to give people something to strive for but never really reach. Because I honestly can’t see how anyone could possibly wake up in the morning without completely and utterly hating every part of themselves. So everyday I become a little more convinced that I’ll never really be happy, and I think what’s the point of living if you’re only going to be miserable for it? Everyday it gets harder to see why I shouldn’t end it all and easier to see why I should, and through all this not one person in my life knows that I have any sort mental illness, and I feel incapable of reaching out and asking for help because I don’t want the people I care about to know how weak and disappointing I am. If they found out, I know I’d be seen differently and treated like a loon, and that’s the last thing I want. So I’m stuck here with two bad options: killing myself, or living out the rest of my life in this depression while isolating myself in an attempt to hide it. How wonderful. If anyone read any of this I’m sorry it got so long.

[squishy11]

Just remember that friends and family would rather see you "weak" than dead. No one likes to show weakness to the ones they love, but I'm sure if a loved one/ friend read this, they'd want you to see a therapist and look for your happiness.

[LadyZen]

I agree with Squishy11 and Square251, talk to a therapist! Don't give up! There are more than 2 options in life. The world is not black and white. It's a rainbow of colors. Even in our darkest moments, the world is many shades of gray. Believe me, I was very self destructive once in my life.

[Hidden]

You know, I feel like you have ever since I was in the 3rd grade. I've had fear, anxiety, depression, panic attacks all the while trying to sort out life since I was very young. I go the idea about suicide very young and for me it's stuck with me. A lot has happened, sometimes the bad seems like a lot, but there is also good things that have happened. A lot of negative thoughts creep into our minds, and yet it subsides only because to stay in this mode takes a lot of energy. For this I say to you, that however much doom and gloom you sense there is also the real beauty of the morning light that begins every day. A reset if you will to all the despair. I love watching the morning sunrise every morning off my back porch to know everything is starting anew. Later I watch the sun set and know however bad the day went the I get another chance the next day. I am very much a practical kinda guy with some severe suicidal ideations, and so I have push to find what ever dim bright light I can find and go there. Know that sounds hokey, but the alternative is ending any chance of feeling better before we are forced out of this life by accidental or aging demise. I look out for others like me and it seems you are one of them. Life is less grim with company to help keep you in check there is more to this life than pain and sorrow. Here you can find others that can give you a chance to see the flip side of you feel. You are most welcome to contact me or if you look you can find others that feel the same to chat with. You don't have to suffer and most of all you don't have to be alone. I hope you choose to open a conversation with one of us to find the upside of life. I lost a friend to suicide and though I miss him I know others like you are out there to connect too, to say "I'm here for you."

I hope you say Hello so I can introduce myself.

[Michalbaner]

Do not let your current emotional be the end of your journey on this wonderul world. Please don't give up on yourself and most of all do not suffer alone. There are people out there who are willing to share love and support. If you don't want to work with medical doctor, consider these people.

Life Coach, Naturopath, Reiki Healer, Herbalist, Functional Medicine Practitioner.

Your depression may be physiological as well as psychical. You may simply be suffering from neurotransmitter imbalance or nutritional deficiencies. There may also be deep hidden trauma that sits in the back and has never been addressed.

You may be lacking purpose in your life which is depriving you of joy. Life Coaching can help you rediscover purpose and get back on horse.

A suicide is an escape but it is also a selfish theft, do you know why? Because you will rob the world of your gifts. You have greatness and gifts inside of you that you have not yet discovered. There is something inside of you that the world needs. How do I know that? Because I have it too and all the people on these forum do as well. We are powerful human beings with extreme potential. Do not waste your gift and do not give up on yourself.

Go out there and discover your life purpose. What are you here to do? What is your greatest desire in life? How can you make this planet better? How can you help people, the animals, the nature?

If you need to be inspired by perfection, go outside and hike in nearest national park. As the night comes, look up in the sky and admire the endless beauty of the universe. The perfection will inspire you. It is all in your hands, people can guide you and people can show you the path but you have to walk it.

The suffering you feel is a test. The universe is testing your resilience. There is a way out, there is light at the end of the tunnel. As someone who has had crippling anxiety in the past, I cna tell you there is always always always a way out. The body is inteligent and it is trying to tell you something. Your depression is a message from within. Listen to it, feel it deeply and you will resolve this mysterry and regain your joy.

Much love friend!!

[Hidden]

You don't have to try to hide it here. We all have something we are struggling with. I have a lot of shame with my dark thoughts and I've been learning to accept that they come in and I just tell myself I love myself irregardless.

I've noticed slow changes but it is taking time. I started developing my coping mechanisms, which is what isolation has become, at a really young age. It will take time to replace with better things. So far, I take walks, do exercise I enjoy, socialize here, send a text or call to family or friends, and do mini-isolation/take naps (try to keep under 2 hours) I also try to do a good job at work, it makes me feel a little sense of pride.

Good luck to you.

I know it's really hard but the people here are supportive.