Tough Thursday thoughts.

[Forgetmenods]

Hey, this is my first time posting. Today was a really bad day for my anxiety. Actually, its been a bad week for my anxiety. After breaking down in tears, gasping for air, and feeling like I was dying an hour ago. I felt like it was time for me to be proactive about it.

Ive been battling with anxiety since I was a child. Ive been diagnosed clinically depressed, bipolar 2, borderline personality through out my adolescent years. At 19, I made the decision to stop taking the cocktail medications I was prescribed for 11 years at that point, and really commit myself to cognitive behavioral therapy which I stupidly didn’t want to do at 16. I learned very powerful tools to self-soothe my panic attacks and learn the warning signs when something is changing (the bipolar in me.) And I was very fortunate enough to have had a really good therapist who didnt easily give up on me when I had episodes.

10 years later, Ive felt like I moved through an amazing life in such a blur because instead of thinking back how great that one summer was when I was 22 in a foreign country with a foreign love, I tend to nitpick everything bad about it. It sounds silly now, to me at least.

Ive allowed one bad thing spiral to a two week anxiety episode. Barely eating full meals. Obsessive thoughts. Obsessive rituals. Not being able to sleep. Not being able to stay asleep (Ive managed to bring my anxiety into my dreams, that i wake up in an nightmare fashion about 90 minute cycles). Nauseous to the point I cant stop coughing, which i mask the gags with when I think of that one bad thing. And finally, hysterically crying in bursts of 30 minutes to the point i start hyperventilating and I feel like im dying.

Throughout the years, ive managed to calm myself some episodes, others I would have to crack open the emergency xanax bottle, that I hate taking. But thats only when I cant stop for more than 30 seconds and I cant get up from the floor. Yeah, it sometimes paralyzes me to the floor and I was crawled 50ft to my bedroom to get the xanax.

........ Things i thought I would never share. Ive lost relationships because of this. I dont think ill ever have a good relationship with my mother because of it. And Im still surpised I havent lost a job because of it.

With that said, hi, Im Ally. Im 29 and my anxiety single-handedly tries to ruin my life..... if I allow it.

The last 3 days, ive faked a smile as much as I could while feeling I wanted to die. I had a work network conference I had to go to yesterday, and all I could do is avoid talking to people. I ran into the bathroom at least 5 times throughout the night to cry hysterically, fix my makeup and go back to people that I would rather get pelted by rocks than talk to. Safe to say, the bathroom attendant definitely thought I was bat shit insane.

Finally today was my true breaking point. My anxiety took control of the full wheel, as in, as i was driving this morning. A thought crept in that wouldnt stop for the next 2 hours of the drive back home, “drive into a wall. Drive into that truck. Drive into anything that will make horrid feeling stop.”

I managed to shake it off for a bit. Afterall, i strive to self soothe and remind myself I would feel that way forever.

I guess i came here to see im not the only one who feels this way. I know im not, but days like today, i give in to dark thoughts which isolate me.

Does anyone have good coping techniques?

[bridder01]

Hi Ally, I'm Brian! Can't type too much at the moment, but you've come to the right place!

"Courage does not always roar......Sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow '"

Sincerely,

Brian ☺

[roseanxiety]

Wow. what a tough situation you have been in and are in now. This is all going to make you such a strong person when the anxiety fades. Anxiety isn't only treatable, but i believe it is curable. It just takes the dedication to want to cure it. What has gotten rid of mine is the book DARE by Barry Mcdonagh. In short, it teaches you to accept your anxiety and anxious feelings, instead of continually running from your anxious feelings. This in turn, over time, will make you less afraid of anxiety to the point you don't even notice it and your body is allowed to return to a desensitized state. Right now, your body is constantly raging with adrenaline and cortisol, and by using the techniques in his book you can learn how to get back to a normal, anxiety free state of being. I really recommend it, it has saved my life! It is pretty cheap too i think, you can also get the audio book if you're not much of a reader. Please consider this. I think it will really help you as i can see you've tried much of everything else. In the meantime, try taking up herbal supplements. They work and they don't have the negative side effects of medications. Try valerian root, magnesium citrate, and 5-HTP. You can also find anxiety free/stress-relief natural supplements at whole foods, just ask someone and they'll show you. natural supplements are the best, and in combo with this book i am almost fully back to myself again! good luck

[Forgetmenods in reply to roseanxiety]

Thank you for your recommendation! Already ordered on amazon. I’ve never tried herbal supplements to treat my anxiety but I read the reviews on valerian root. I think it’ll help me with my sleep.

[roseanxiety in reply to Forgetmenods]

yes it should! and definitely the book, read it all! It has helped me so much. Excited to hear how you are doing after you get the book and start reading!!!!

[bridder01]

Hiya Ally! Sorry I didn't get to type too much last night. I was on my tablet and typing on that thing can be brutal lol.......

I am truly sorry you feel that way. I may not entirely understand what you're going through, but I can absolutely sympathize. Sometimes, the best medicine can be just talking about what you're going through. We tend to bottle things up so much that when a specific trigger gets pulled, we explode. We don't care who gets caught in the crossfire, we just blow up.

I agree with Rose....the things she recommends might be something to try. But, I should point out, not everything will work for everybody. What works for one person, may not work for another. But, doesn't mean you can't give it a try. Who knows? It may work after all For me, I've been taking a skills group for the last few months called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Anyone heard of it? I have found it to be extremely helpful. It combines some of the principles of yoga with learning about mindfulness and something called radical acceptance.

Radical acceptance, you ask? Basically, it's being able to accept that what is, is. Good, bad or ugly. We often tend to put ourselves down for how we feel or feel guilty about feeling that way. But, what we fail to realize sometimes is that it's ok to feel what we feel. Accepting that what we feel is nothing to be ashamed of and knowing that we're working on getting better is a good first step. We can't control everything that happens in our lives. Accepting that and accepting that you're a good person and are fighting the best you can is very important. And if you feel you need help along the way, we're all here for ya

If you ever need a friendly ear to listen to you Ally, I'm here for ya Don't hesitate to talk to me

Sincerely,

Brian

[Forgetmenods in reply to bridder01]

Hey Brian,

I really appreciate what you said. Unfortunately, even at my age, I have trouble talking about the roots of the issues that trigger me. I’m going to give Rose’s suggestions a whirl. I’m open for anything at this point.

Today wasn’t a bad day. I was able to eat for the first time this week but I still have no appetite. I did at one point start to shake for a bit but I was able to calm down. I just don’t like how it physically takes over me.

I’ve never heard of dialectal cognitive therapy before. I’m going to look into it. I usually don’t have a problem accepting things, it’s only when it feels like an attack. But that’s when my bipolar tendencies take over.

I try not to victimize myself but it’s hard when I start spiraling, for example.... my ex cheated on me with a girl that is double my weight after I was in a car accident that left me unable to work out for a year. I gained 40lbs but I’m 5’8 and 180 so it’s not bad but still not comfortable to how I was my entire life. He knew it bothered me gaining that much weight only because I was so used to being able to eat anything I want because I was in the gym 5 times a week. Running and lifting weights helps me ALOT with my anxiety. Not being able to even lift 5lbs above my head and gain that much weight, plagued on my mind and made my anxiety terrible.

Now I’m medically cleared to do certain exercises, i was excited to get back to feeling that release at the gym. Now my ex cheating on me with a heavy girl, I know this sounds terrible, I felt it was an attack on my weight, my goals, my health.

I made it about my appearance and my mental health when I know when I’m clear minded, it’s not me, it never had anything to do with me.

After saying all of that, I’m definitely going to try dialectal cognitive.

[bridder01 in reply to Forgetmenods]

I hear ya Ally! And don't worry...when you're ready to open up, we're here for ya

I totally sympathize with what you went through with you ex. It's never easy when you can't do the things you love to do the most. But, here's something to remember...you can't control the actions of others. It's a simple impossibility. Not that it makes what happened any easier. You just have to remember that you didn't do anything wrong. If your ex decided to cheat, then he's not worth your time, effort or energy. There are so many people out there who would love to get to know you for you! Don't let what others do make you feel like it's a personal attack. You can't control what they do, only what you do. We only get one ride on this roller coaster, so make it a good one! I'm telling ya though....guys like that....makes us decent guys look bad. And us decent guys are a vanishing breed as it is! lol

Always make sure to take care of you! Do that, and everything else will fall into place And if you ever need to bend someone's ear, I'm here for ya!

Brian

[spotbon]

I'm wondering if the meds you took when you were younger helped you and why you stopped taking them. I have constant anxiety, but mine is due to a stressful situation with my son who is schizoafftective, on dialysis, and was recently diagnosed with throat cancer. I often wonder if I would be this anxious anyway. I often think I have PTSD from years (28) of dealing with family problems. Xanax helps me sleep. That's the only time I take it. Things get a little better for a short while and then something else happens to throw me into a tailspin. No antidepressants I have ever tried have worked. No sleep meds work either. I suggest any coping skills except to maybe try medication again.

[Forgetmenods in reply to spotbon]

Hey,

I’m so sorry to hear that.

Well the reason I stopped was I was put on Prozac when I was 7 years old. I have tried almost all possible drugs you can take. Anti depressants, mood stabilizers, anti psychotics, even a cocktail variety including anti convulsants. When I was 16, I was on depakote, lamictal and Klonopins waffers .5mg. They (my doctors) really thought it was going to work, I had a psychotic breakdown in my 4th period class in HS. I thought my US history textbook was lying to me, I started stabbing the book with my pen in the middle to try to rip it to see the “truth.” When the teacher try to stop me, I stabbed myself and couldn’t stop saying vicious things to everyone. I was brought to the nurses office to wait for the ambulance to take me to the hospital, there so happened to be another girl there who said she was feeling depressed and thought about killing herself. I screamed repeatedly horrific things that I still to this day, I have t forgiven myself.

I was Hospitalized in the children’s psychiatric ward for 3 weeks. The medication dosages were completely wrong and it really fucked me up. My doctors just said OOPS. No repercussions to them. I never had another hallucinogenic psychotic break since then. But meds they changed me on to, didn’t really help. Nothing helped with how I felt except weed. I started trading my klonopins for weed to people I knew in HS. By the time I was 19, weed helped me a lot and I openly told my therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist this (I had this “ dynamic”trio for 4 years at this point) and they basically treated me like a heroin addict. They forced me to go rehab and said they would refuse to treat me if I still smoke weed.

I was legal age to sign myself out of their care and told them that ALL the medication they prescribed did more damage than good. Led me to 3 hospitalizations in 4 years.

I am prescribed to this day, a pill bottle of Xanax but that’s only when I can’t control the crying and I can’t stop hyperventilating.

I do think those medications can help certain people, but from being on it during my development, it wasn’t good. It lead to substance abuse when I was 16 (not talking about weed) because I was used to getting that instant relief from the pills. Even my childhood friends told me how I used to be a zombie when I was 11, that’s when I was on Zoloft. Or when I couldn’t stay awake during class because of the seroquel.

[bridder01 in reply to Forgetmenods]

I am soooooo sorry to hear that you went through that Ally. The important thing is you're getting better! And I hear ya about the hospitalization too. That messed me up so bad because (and I don't blame the staff because they really did try to help) the hospital I went to was geared for teens with substance abuse and I suffered from mental illness. And the meds.....I was on Lithium, which made you feel like you were in a perpetual fog and that every limb dragged on the floor. Sometimes, the hardest thing we can do is forgive ourselves for what happened in the past. But that's the thing....it's the past. I speak from experience when I say that letting go of those terrible things won't be easy. But it's not impossible. You need to forgive yourself. You're no longer alone in this fight. Each and every one of us is here for you, should you ever need to vent or to talk. Sometimes, that's how we move on....by talking to people who want to see us succeed and by sharing our experiences with others. We learn and grow from listening to each other. You've got so much to offer! It's time to make up for some of that lost time!

A friend if you need one,

Brian

[spotbon]

It sounds to me like you were misdiagnosed. I can't understand why you were put on so many meds at once instead of trying one at a time to see what worked. I tried Zoloft, too, among other antidepressants. They just made me sick. Weed seems to make my son feel better too, but I don't like the people (dealers) it puts him in contact with. I limit the amount of cash I give him because he tends to overdo everything. I know how bad anxiety is, but yours seems very extreme. I really hope you can find some way to overcome this.