Losing the battle against depression

[laurenmontgom]

I'm 30 years old and have been dealing with depression and anxiety for about 10 years. At first, I think I was misdiagnosed with ADD, and those meds were tremendously helpful for a while. I had to go off of Dexedrine for a few years because of insurance reasons and eventually started noticing that my depression, anxiety, and OCD were worsening, so in 2012 I started seeing a great therapist and started trying different medications - I started slow with SSRIs and eventually moved on to stronger stuff. Eventually, I found a psychiatrist that started me on amphetamines again, and the Dexedrine actually worked for a while, helping with my ambition, concentration, and even my mood. But for some reason, it just stopped working one day. Things got much worse for me last September, and for a while, I tried Ritalin, which also helped, but also left me feeling incredibly depressed (more so than usual) at the end of the day. For the past 3 weeks, I've been on an MAOI, which my psychiatrist has called a last resort medication. I've been feeling so much worse - physically ill almost every day, and even super agitated, irritated, and really angry. I'm mean to almost everyone I meet (and I'm usually a really polite person), and the past couple weeks I just don't want to wake up in the morning. Depression runs my entire life, and my psychiatrist has even suggested ECT, which really scares me. I don't know what to do - I feel like I've been on every conceivable medication and nothing has worked long term, and I'm just nearing the end of my rope. I don't know what do to or where to go from here, and it feels like I'm never going to get better. I think I might have treatment-resistant depression, which scares the shit out of me because I can't imagine living the rest of my life this way. I've been unable to have a job in almost 2 years, many of my friendships are falling apart, and I just feel invisible. I've been dealing with this for a decade, and I don't feel like I have any fight left in me. I sob uncontrollably every night until I take enough Xanax to the point where I almost feel like a zombie, where I finally feel almost nothing at all, which is a relief from feeling everything so acutely and severely all day long. I know there are people out there who know what I'm feeling, and have experienced what I'm going through, but I feel so alone and like no one knows how painful and overwhelming every day is for me. I'm tired of being sick. I just wanted to get better, but most of me just wants to give up.

Sorry for the long post, I've never reached out to anyone like this before except my therapist, but sometimes all the advice in the world is nothing compared to people who might actually understand.

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your going through all this pain..you are definitely not alone, the medication merry-go-round is just horrible....finding the right meds, the right dosage....it's weeks for each type of medication to kick in. I've never heard of being prescribed amphetamines for depression....I know back in the 70's I tried them, speed me up and I felt great, till I came down off them. I went into a deeper depression than what was my normal depression. I am glad your sharing here about this, these are kind people, and many have posted and commented on this dilemma here, you may also find comfort and help reading what others here have also gone through.

[Hidden]

So sorry! Have they tried abilify as add on? Its used for treatment resistant depression

[laurenmontgom in reply to Hidden]

Yup, tried Abilify and, like everything else, it didn't do anything. Thanks for the suggestion though.

[EmLee96]

this sounds awful i am so sorry. have you tried speaking with a psychologist? i saw that you only mentioned psychiatrist and they are trained differently. psychologists have a knowledge of medicine, but also behavioral and cognitive therapies that could prove to be helpful.

i was taught in school that ect acts like a reset button and can help, but it is usually a short term solution.

[laurenmontgom in reply to EmLee96]

Oh yeah, I've seen a bunch of therapists/psychologists. CBT helped a lot and I had a really great therapist on and off for a few years, but after my insurance changed it's been hard to find a new therapist that's helpful. For the last month I've been seeing a new psychologist, but I stopped going last week because she was just so unhelpful and not action-based, which is what I need. I want to start looking for a new CBT therapist, so hopefully I'll have a day soon when I feel enough energy to look around and find someone new. Thanks for your reply!

[EmLee96 in reply to laurenmontgom]

I hope you can find someone, I am sorry this last one didn't work out. See if you can get your family or a friend to do the looking around for you! My therapist suggested that when I was at a really low point and didn't have the energy to do anything. My husband made several appointments for me and made the time to drive me to them. Its small things but it helps

[laurenmontgom]

Tonight was a really horrible night. I went to the doctor today to get some blood tests done (my psychiatrist suggested referring me to an endocrinologist, thinking my depression and anxiety might be linked to or be a symptom of something physiological) and after getting a bunch of information and making a few calls to my insurance company (just for a change of address), I had a total breakdown when I got back. All I did was the bare minimum, and I should have felt proud of myself for at least doing something productive, but all I felt was a huge increase in my anxiety and depression - I had an hour of sobbing and overwhelming feelings of being ugly and worthless and so, so weak.

In a month I'm moving out of my apartment and back home, and I'm scared I won't be able to do it. My apartment is a really toxic environment (it's horrible for my OCD and my roommate and her boyfriend make me feel so alone and invisible), but just the thought of packing up everything and cleaning makes my OCD and depression go haywire, and I'm already overwhelmed with what I'll have to do. I'll have help from my mom, which I'm grateful for, but I'm still just dreading going back to that apartment for the next month and I can already imagine how much Xanax I'll need to take just to get a few things packed every day. These next few weeks are going to be so hard and painful, and I don't know how I'm going to get through them.

[laurenmontgom]

And to be honest, I think about suicide I lot. Almost every day. Not actively killing myself, just hoping and hoping so hard that I won't wake up in the morning. Every day gets worse and worse and even though I started a new medication tonight (Lamictal, 25 mg), I can't imagine anything working at this point. Nothing has in the past, and why would now be any different. I'm so crazy hopeless, and I can't go through another day like today or the day before. Every single day gets worse, and I'm really worried about myself. I have nothing to live for, and I'm afraid that one day it's going to get so bad that I just give up. Any reply would be greatly appreciated because I'm getting to a place where I think no one can help me or save me.

[LKG12]

Have you heard of ketamine? Research it. It’s a relatively new treatment for medication resistant depression, which has been very successful. My daughter has just started treatment with it. She is taking it in the oral form, troches, or under the tongue type lozenges. She’s not at her full dose yet , but she feels some effects already. It is very fast acting. You will need to find a doctor or clinic who is more progressive to help you get this treatment. Good luck!

[laurenmontgom]

I've researched ketamine treatments, but there are so many things my insurance doesn't cover. Right now, my insurance won't cover ECT, which means I might have to wait until November to get on a new insurance plan that might cover that. My psychiatrist wants me to start Lithium as soon as my lab results come back, which could be as early as next week, but I'm very wary of being on Lithium, since I've read a lot about the correlation between Lithium and acne, which is something I've struggled with for the past 17 years and I don't want to struggle with that again. I've actually been breaking out a lot lately, and I feel like it's because I've been on so many medications, one after another, for so long, and now that I'm taking large doses of Xanax that might be making it worse. I just wanted to stop this merry-go-round of medications and get my system back to some kind of baseline.

[Wildchipmunk]

When I was last hospitalized ( suicidal ideation), I became friends with someone who had ECT treatments. They actually helped her. They sedate you, you wake up and it's all over. She usually had a good long nap after treatments, but they are not anything to worry about if you decide to try them. There is also a fairly new treatment with powerful magnets. I can't remember what it is called. I have depression and Cymbalta seems to help. Don't give up! Something will help you. Best of luck to you and hope you feel better soon. Better days are ahead!🙂