I really don't know where to begin. I've been battling depression and anxiety since October of 2015 (diagnosed). I've been through what feels like a pharmacy of medicines. I'm on my 4th therapist. 2nd psychiatrist. Both of which I love. But I just feel like I am getting no where. Giant circles. I'm terrified of dying..but most days I'm more terrified of living. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I have no motivation. Being around people stresses me out. I also work in a very negative, high stress environment. But it pays so well it is hard to change careers. But day after day, I consistently feel drained. Wonder if giving up would just be an all around better option. But I lost my dad's best friend to suicide in 2009, so I know what kind of damage that does to others surrounding you. He is probably the only reason I am alive today.
I just don't know what to do. I've tried what feels like every coping mechanism in the world. Nothing works.
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SabMar
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Hi there, welcome! I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle. it sounds like your job is a huge stressor and you are depleted.
Have you explored different career options? I know it might not seem feasible, but maybe just allowing yourself to begin to research other paths might give you some hope and ideas. I find that often when we take little steps of faith, and not worry about the whole journey, we can be surprised by how things that seemed impossible slowly become possible.
Good for you for The steps you are taking, trying medications and psychiatrist. Those are good tools. I too have often struggled with giving up, and feeling like the difficulty of life is just not worth it. Personally, I'm a wife and a mother and I would not give up because I would never do that to my children. However I then can feel trapped. One step at a time, I keep working towards finding the healthiest balance I can in the midst of coping with depression. I to cycle through so many different medications when my long-term medication stopped working. I still haven't found one so for now I medication free and trying more natural remedies.
Just know that you're not alone, feel free to message me and check in.
Thank you so much foryour response. There was slight anxiety with posting but I've been curious about this for a while.
As far as exploring career options, I have not. I'm not kidding when I say I've been focused on this path since I was 10. So focused that now I know nothing else. I have no idea where to begin! Its extremely discouraging.
I also have, and I'm not sure where people will fall with this, began attending church heavily lately. It brings me joy. But its short lived.
I am currently working a very... and I mean VERY low paying job but I absolutely love it and it truly makes a difference finding a job you love rather than staying with a job you hate for the money. At the end of the day, you don’t sleep with your money - you sleep with yourself. You have to enjoy the little time you have left! That’s just me though. I used to only search for jobs that pays more and it just wasn’t worth the stress and the anxiety is caused. It made me go deeper into my depression and anxiety and just was not good for me. For me, I would rather work longer hours at a job I LOVE rather than not work as much at a job I truly hate.
And maybe spending some more quality time together with your dad? Break through that barrier and grieve together and build a closer relationship from it. ❤️
These are just things that I would do, everybody is difference. Either way, I KNOW that you will get through this. Man, life really REALLY sucks sometimes but you are still here and that’s pretty damn amazing. You sound like an extremely strong person and I feel you. I see you. Keep going and WE are here for YOU!!
Thank you so much! I've thought about taking that chance and trying to just live for the happiness. The financial side doesn't put extra stress on you? That's I think my biggest worry.
Dad and I are..closeish. He doesnt talk about it. Which I understand..but we do talk nearly every day. I cling to our relationship when i start to really struggle. He doesnt know that, i dont believe. But maybe. After all he is my dad.
I never knew being strong would be so exhausting. Im just glad that I'm still here and honestly it's nice to know im not alone. Its been so terribly long with me feeling alone. And thats such a scary feeling. Thank you for being so supportive ♡ it means so very much.
Wow, since 10! That is a long time. May I ask what career it is?
I think going to church and getting spiritual support and community can be super helpful. Especially one that is not too legalistic, is favorable of being real and honest in weakness versus putting on a "strong front", supportive of therapy and medication as needed. I have found church communities like this throughout my life and greatly appreciated them. It's true that it doesn't solve depression but it sure can help at times.
If you need any tips on how to find these types of church communities, or on denominations or anything i'll be happy to share what I know. I'm actually a pastors daughter, blessed with kind parents who understand depression, mental illness and have been a tremendous support to me.
If you would rather private message, feel free… i'm not sure how to do that yet because I'm pretty new on this app. Feel free to follow me too and I'll follow you. I'm going to share resources that I find on my journey. It helps to connect with other people in this struggle to not feel so alone.
I work in the automotive industry. So mainly with men. I love cars and am actually a racecar driver as well. That hobby is currently on hold until im mentally strong enough. I thought i would love it. But it isnt what i thought it would be. But i also never thought id somehow end up with this illness either.
I have found an amazing church. Its non denominational. Called the Vineyard. And it just feels so welcoming. So warm. And honestly when im there, it feels like safety. And relief. But im new to it. And having a hard time bringing the strength I gain there to the outside life. Its like as soon as i hit another struggle, i lose all that ive gained and am starting all over.
I will definitely follow you and hope that we will be able to help each other in any ways possible. Posting and chatting on here has been helpful. I joined the app and reached out during a stressful time. Its given me something else to focus on.
Thanks for sharing. Depression sure does complicate any career and hobbies too! I'm a singer songwriter but haven't been able to maintain that hobby consistently for a number of reasons...depression a big one.
So cool that you are at a Vineyard church! I have attended vineyards for 20 years and that would have been my top recommendation for you.
Keep me posted...feel free to write/chat/vent and I'll do the same.
Thank you for really making me feel welcome here and comfortable venting.
Hello, so sorry to hear about your difficulties. As other posters have pointed out, your comments about working in 'a very negative, high stress environment' is a massive clue. I worked in a very high stress environment and sometimes it could be negative and that definitely takes a toll. If it's like that all the time then it's not sustainable in the long run and something needs to change. What kept me sane was that I could move around within the organisation, had some good managers and also it was not always negative. I would sit down and carefully reflect and review what it is exactly you want out of life and then formulate a plan to achieve that. There are many paths you can choose, you do have options, so please don't think like so many you are trapped. You are not, but you may have to make some alternative choices. Take care,
It’s tough as my job makes me anxious, but I have learned, that I can only do what I can do, and at Christmas, after being ill again, I started treating work the way it treats me, I have also just started CBT, which I have waited 9 months for, there is stuff it there, but you have to find in, I too am quite well paid, but when I looked at options, it was tough to give it all up, also I am at the end of my working life, if I had been younger, it would have been different. You are on the right path, be kinder to yourself, x
Hi Sab, I also just joined this community and I am hoping it becomes a new coping mechanism to help me do 'life'. Is this something new for you or have you tried supportive communities before?
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I have no idea where to begin! Its extremely discouraging.
And the financial side doesn’t bother me much because I’m not a huge spender and I decided to move back home to finish college! 
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