Older men who have never been married

[Downandout123]

I'm sorry but I cannot find a community on either relationships, or any other subject close to that. So I will just throw this question out there to anyone who might have an answer. Does anyone have a certain opinion on men who have never been married, never even lived with a woman, and are over 50 years old? He told me he was engaged 2 times but then gave legitimate reasons why they never worked out. In the meantime, he had been out of a relationship for 20 years. He is close to 60 years old. Well, I won't get into the details, but I've just been burned by him for reasons that do not even make sense. We had basically just met, but in that short period of time had gotten to know all about each other. We had made plans to see each other again next weekend, and then BAM-out of nowhere, he blames me for something stupid. I can't for the life of me figure it out.😓

[gerg]

I don't know if you can make a generalization about this type of man, or woman, there could be several factors that come into play. I had a serious problem with commitment until I addressed my MH issues. I could love others, but them loving me made me extremely sad. Fear is also an issue that is hard to understand.

[Downandout123 in reply to gerg]

Thank you for responding, but what does MH mean?

[Agora1 in reply to Downandout123]

Mental Health

[Downandout123]

Thank you. Well I know that he did suffer through drug and alcohol abuse, but is now clean and sober for 11 years. He also struggles with weight, but SEEMS to have a handle on it now. He does see a therapist. Not exactly sure for what.

[Forestina]

I have a very dear friend who is over fifty and never been married, but then I am the same. He has always been open with me and said he is no good at relationships but then we both like our space although just recently I don't think he actually does as he is suggesting we do more things together. Now I am the one who is unsettled.

[Downandout123 in reply to Forestina]

I am so sad.😢 I actually thought he might be the who could finally make me happy. Believe me-I am basically a loner, so I know all about needing space. About your friend-he has been a friend all along. Is he now suggesting more?

[HearYou in reply to Downandout123]

You know another person can't make you happy....that's up to you.xx

[Forestina]

I am so sorry that this is making you sad. Perhaps you are too alike. I am not certain anything I say can make things any easier but things can change.

I have known my friend for just over five years. I hope he is not suggesting more but for such a private independent man to give me a spare key and say if anything happened to my place I would never be homeless has rather thrown me.

[Downandout123 in reply to Forestina]

Thank you. Would you WANT TO consider him as more than a friend? That becomes a rather sticky situation to go from friends to lovers... The reason I am so upset is because it is very hard to find a decent guy. I FINALLY met someone after 2 years of being out of a relationship that I thought could be good for me, and BAM-he's gone. 😢

[b1b1b1 in reply to Forestina]

What your friend has said & done is a nice thing. This "relationship" may give you a chance to work on various anxiety issues for yourself. You are also entitled to set boundaries and that is another thing that may be good to work on. I struggle with setting boundaries.

[Forestina]

Are you really sure of that? He may very well realise what he is missing at some stage, although it must be so painful.

All my life in everything I realise that I have always had to have a get out clause. I am really wanting to move away and anything that gets in the way is likely to send me fleeing.

Relationships are hard at any age.

[Downandout123 in reply to Forestina]

I don't think I'll hear from him again. I don't want to ever live with someone again-I was married for 19 years, had a long-term live in relationship with a guy that ended 2 years ago. I NEVER, EVER want to live with someone again but I DO want a close relationship. Do you even want that though?

[Forestina in reply to Downandout123]

I have sent you a private message.

[Downandout123]

Thanks for your reply. He has been in relationships before, but they have never lead to marriage or even living with someone. The more time I have to think about this, the more pieces I can put together. But I need to know the whole puzzle, and it's killing me not knowing.

[HearYou in reply to Downandout123]

You are never going to have all the pieces of this puzzle, as the complete puzzle is not the one you are hoping it is. He's in his 60s, doesn't commit, may not know how, sooner than later certain medical issues are going to pop up......and then the puzzle really takes on a different picture and shape. I mentioned above that my husband and I met in our 50s and adjustment was rather interesting, as at the first sign of disagreement,his response was divorce. Hummm. Marched back into his home office and told him marriage or a commitment is not east and require nurturing and work...and he had been a runner from his former marriage, and the two relationships he had before we met AND I WAS NOT GOING TO LET HIM JUST RUN AGAIN AND HE WAS GOING TO WORK WITH ME TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK. He got very quiet and we just sat in silence for a long time. Issue has never come up again in 12 years of marriage.xx

[HearYou]

Hi. Oh, I think you have figured it and him out. You just want it and him to be different. Doesn't sound like that is going to happen.

My husband and I were in our 50s when we met, and both had been divorced a number of years. Learned, even in a good relationship, that no one learns everything about another person in a short period of time....may learn a lot, but doesn't mean what is learned is real or true. Turn your back and quietly walk away. Sorry. He doesn't sound like a "keeper".