First post :(

I have been struggling with anxiety off and on for 10 years or so. It gets bad whenever I have any sort of change happening in my life. Otherwise I think it's somewhat manageable.

It's by far the worst after a breakup. My girlfriend of about a year dumped me a month ago. I was handling it OK, but I now just found out that she already has a new boyfriend, and I'm devastated. I know in the back of my mind that we aren't right for each other, and we needed to end things, but I can't stop thinking negatively. I keep picturing her with him and blaming myself that things didn't work between us.

I wake up numb and it lasts most of the day. I can't focus at work. Can't even consider trying to date again. I feel doomed. I'm almost 30 and think that I am never going to have a healthy relationship and never get married - and that is extremely important to me. All my friends are getting married, I don't have a lot of close friends. Feeling really lonely.

Does anyone have any suggestions for pushing away these negative thoughts? It's killing me.

14 Replies

  • Hi there and welcome to this site. Sorry to hear about the situation and I think it's only natural to be affected by a breakup. It's such early days and a year together is a long time. Be kind to you and allow yourself some time to get over it. Have little treats to look forward to when you get home from work maybe your favourite TV show or meal or dessert or a good book or comedy film -- whatever you enjoy.

    Think of the positives from the relationship and the good times? Some fun you had? Something to lift the spirits.

    You don't feel like meeting someone new at the moment understandably. You will meet people when you least expect to and there will be a right time. Try and get fresh air and exercise as it really does help.

    Wishing you happy times. Mags

  • Pretty much the same advice I would’ve given. Hope things get better.

  • Thanks for your replies. It is helpful. It just feels especially bad this time, I feel like there is no way out. I'm scaring myself quite a bit. I will certainly try some of the things you mentioned. Gotta get my appetite back, too.

    Thanks again for your suggestions.

  • Will be thinking of you -- hope you can eat something to keep your strength up. I tend to not eat at difficult times and then I eat for England and the rest of Europe other times! Please look after yourself -- we all care about you on here.

  • Thanks so much for your support. Hopefully I will get passed this soon :(

  • I'm sure you will but it's a day at a time.

  • Hi and Welcome! I read your post with interest and great thoughtfulness. Having “chewed” your issues over, it seems that on the very positive side .... please do not forget this! You have tremendous insight into “what works” for you to remain feeling as good as you can and being able to manage life reasonably well.

    When change occurs particularly negative (perhaps at the time, but on reflection not so, as in the case of your girlfriend who you knew was not right for you) we are all thrown into “dealing with a lack of “normal stability and what we may perceive as security” and this is you suffer anxiety can be quite horrific. If you couple this with “self imposed pressures” and l say this because you feel a real need around the 30’s to be “settled and sorted” as you say your friends are. Are they? Really? It took me until the age of 38 to really “get it together” and to learn that “ploughing my own furrow” was the way to go.

    Please do not feel doomed. You have just had an awful experience which will have “rocked your security and self doubt” However, you actually know this person was not right for you. Try to think of the whole experience in a compartment that you can throw away! And physically visualise it. You may have had a lucky escape!!

    Your negative thoughts were probably there before this relationship and it’s getting to grips with what they are that matters now. You WILL have future relationships and they will be better and more equal if you can work out where your insecurities come from and whether you are always/sometimes attracted to the same sort of person and why? I always say write down your really good points! BELIEVE in them! Pin them up behind a closet door! Make a note of all the negative feelings and thoughts you had about your previous girlfriend, character traits etc... pin it up .... make a mental note to check the next date out for any of those and if they are present RUN!

    You are still young, you have lots of time, doesn’t feel like it today, but sometimes the harder we look for something the more elusive it becomes! HAVE FAITH and take your time! Please let us know how you do!

  • Thank you so much Chloe. This is so helpful and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

    It's really hard not to feel doomed right now, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time. And your response helps.

    And you're absolutely right about my negative thoughts existing beforehand, as well as a lot of self imposed pressure and being attracted to the wrong type of people. It's hard for me to be attracted to anyone, so when that person comes I latch on and get way too emotionally involved. Which makes breakups so hard. :(

  • We are HERE for each other! Thank you for your kind words. I will keep an eye on your posts and if ever you want to chat l am more than happy! You really seem to understand yourself well! That for some people is impossible and they spend their whole lives wading in treacle! You already have so many of the answers and insight! WOW! Yep! You are going to be ok! Just got to take it slow and really really realise YOU ARE WORTH IT! Love Chloe 💕

  • I do know myself well. But I have one major flaw, I can't control my emotions one bit. I get completely overcome and paralyzed by them. I want to fix it, I can't keep doing this to myself. ☹️

    Thank you Chloe

  • Change. Fear. Loneliness. Three words that have accompanied me for far too long now... Don’t have much advice, as those thoughts seem to want to be here from time to time and it always feels like they never going to get away. I just know that it will pass, that you’ll get better, that time will help you adapt and that you’ll smile again. Be patient with yourself, look at the sadness in the eye, let yourself feel the pain, and while you’re busy doing all that someone new will arrive to make you happy. Just hold tight. Best!

  • Thank you. I am trying to hang on and still be productive at my 3 jobs, and also be optimistic about my future. But it's so hard. I'm happy to see that people on here can relate. I don't seem to have anyone else that does

  • Here you go classic example of person not functioning 100% still awake at 3am! I am concerned that you are doing 3 jobs, you must be truly exhausted! Controlling emotions is difficult, however it can be done. Some emotions need to surface and “come out” whilst other unhelpful ones may just “burst out” and leave you feeling much worse and less in control. Have you ever tried CBT or DBT? I am not sure if you are even in the UK? If you are they are available through the NHS Mental Health Services even if there is a wait. However, you may find it useful to keep a diary, just buy a notebook and write down how your days go, what triggers the emotions you find hard to control, can you recognise “the feeling” you get before they surface? If so you are then recognising “a trigger point” and at that time it is good to put in a “learned distraction” whatever it is. From eating a sweet, to deep breathing, to excusing yourself to go to the bathroom and doing breathing exercises there, so many techniques. If you can also draw a large circle in your book and see if you can fill in the way your emotions escalate to “bursting point” Take note of the stages just before and become aware of them. You can using distraction “ward them off” eventually and take back full control of your life. It’s not easy, but it’s possible l promise! 💕 Chloe

  • I have been doing a lot more breathing exercises lately, and they seem to help. May try your diary idea, I like that.

    I am in the USA, but I am looking into CBT. I have thought about it before, but this week has been the last straw for me... I need to give it a try.

    Thank you so much

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