discovered

[sosplz]

Today my mom started asking questions about the reappearing bandaid on my arm. She was asking things like I thought your scrape was better already, is it infected? I just told her it was fine and the reason why the bandaid was there was because I was picking at it. I tried to change the subject but she didn't believe me and told me to take it off. The moment I took off the bandaid she knew I was lying. My small scrape turned into a deep cut on my arm. After a few seconds she knew what happened and demanded to know what and where my tools are. I started panicking and only told her where two of them were. I'm so worried who she will tell, I don't want her to tell my dad, and I really don't want my sister to know either. I feel so ashamed, I wish I could take it all back.

[jkl5500]

How did it go with your therapist? Did you tell him/her about the cutting?

[sosplz in reply to jkl5500]

It went better than I thought it would, but there were a lot of things I didn't feel comfortable saying. that being one of them.

[jkl5500 in reply to sosplz]

You're better off telling him/her everything. You won't shock your therapist. They hear this stuff every day. If this stuff sees the light of day, you will feel great relief, and you both can discuss it.

[a0503]

Whoever she tells whatever she tells, just remember she has your well being in mind.

A big part of being depressed and anxious is not being ashamed of what you’ve done. You can’t help the thoughts that you’ve got, and the consequences of those thoughts.

But I would advise you to talk to someone when you feel overwhelmed due to thoughts which might lead to self harm.

Why don’t you talk to her and tell her why you did it? Maybe she’ll not tell your dad or sister once you talk to her.

I found it tough to talk to my family too. Once I started sharing things, I found that I am able to cope well.

[hypercat54]

Hi I think it's good that your mum knows as now she can help you. Why not have a chat with her about keeping it between the 2 of you? Certainly the only other family who might have to know is your dad as it might be too big a thing for your mum to deal with alone. x

[old-soul]

Parents are often the most in-appropriate people to help because they are too emotionally involved. If you are not comfortable telling your therapist certain things, that is 100% okay, nust as long as you are talking to SOMEBODY about them.

So often times, talking with someone that is a complete stranger is much safer because they are more able to be more emotionally objective. That is why this particular forum is so important. Talk to us. Reason things out here, and maybe you can sort out enough of the pain that is going on inside of you that you can stop self-harming.

Taking away whatever tools you use to do self harm is not the answer. Sure, it may prevent you from doing so for a minute, but not much else. You know that, and fortunately, so do we.

So keep coming around and stick with the people that are having some success. Believe me, those of us that are healing ourselves are often doing so by using our own experiences with awful things in life to HELP others.

It's amazing that the abuse and neglect I have suffered in my life are actually the biggest assets I have now in knowing how to reach out to a kid like you, but It'd a fact.

Slay this awful dragon that's causing you to harm yourself. Get angry at it. Grit your teeth and tell it, "No, f you. You are not going to win." Watch that wound heal day by day and know that you are WINNING. This world needs you to be a warrior and win this battle, because you will be the one that can help the ones who are being born now, and will also face the same challenges in a very short time.

Because of the awful feelings you have inside of you that cause you to seek relief through self-harm, you are also uniquely qualified to help others that are in the same boat. Reading books on the subject may make people, "professionals," but you, my friend, are an expert, because you are living it.

I'm here to listen, to share your struggle, AND to be your cheerleader. That's a funny visual. A grumpy old man as a cheerleader. Ok. Whatever. Have a laugh. I think it's funny, and I honestly think it sounds like you could really use a good laugh, so, yeah, imagine Sam Elliot (The actor) in a cheerleader outfit with pom poms. I kinda look like old Sam, and no, sorry, I am NOT going to put on a cheerleader outfit. Your imagination will have to be good enough.

Hang in there. There are lots of people here who get it from 1st hand experience, and have come through the other side, so keep coming around and talking about stuff. You have made a great start, and That's the hardest part. Promise.

[fauxartist in reply to old-soul]

Your such a good and kind heart old -soul....

but on another note for a moment...what color are your pom poms..and honest to god you made my day.

[sosplz]

thank you so much, I now cannot erase that image from my mind

[old-soul]

LOL. My work here is done. Yeah, let's not forget that an important part of getting well is being able to feel reasonably safe, AND HAPPY. So, yeah, cracking jokes and being able to be goofy without poking fun at others is really important to my survival, and trust me, without going into a long dissertation of how badly I have been screwed over in life, please let it suffice to say that I have taken some really hard knocks, including currently, and I have often been doing little more than just surviving for the last 3 years plus.

So, being able to help someone else smile, even if just in for a moment really MEANS something to me, because I know for a fact that it really can make the difference between being able to go on for just one more day, and not.

Sometimes when I am talking about stuff that really hurts to talk about, I end it by telling a little joke or being kinda goofy. I don't do that intentionally or as part of any plan I have devised, so I can only speculate as to why I do that, but i have two theories.

1.) Maybe I do that because it's a way of putting a BIG period at the end of the last sentence on the subject of a very painful topic. You know, sort of a way of saying, "I am done talking about that for awhile, and now it is time to change my emotional state to something other than hurt, or humiliated or ashamed, or sad, or afraid," and maybe I do that by finding something to say or do that will lighten my own mood as well as the mood of those around me.

2.) Maybe it's an expression of gratitude and happiness for having had a chance to get some of that garbage out that has been really screwing with me. I don't always have a chance to do that, or sometimes even when I do, I just don't have the strength left to deal with anything.

In any case, knowing when to crack a joke, AND when not to is important, and something that didn't come overnight, but it works really well as a tool to not get stuck in a complete gloom and doom awful cycle.

Anyhow, I truly hope and pray you were able to have a better, more balanced day today. Do keep in mind that not every great day is always a fun day. Some of my greatest days have been my hardest one's too. What made them great though, was that I made super-good decisions when everyone else was making really awful and selfish decisions.

There was this guy named Crazy Horse, and white Americans mostly only remember him for what a fierce Warrior Chief he was. Well, he WAS an incredible warrior that no American soldier wanted to meet on a battle field, because there was a strong chance he would be the last face they ever saw.

But Crazy Horse did not choose to become a Warrior Chief. He was pressed into that service because the American government was stealing his people's land and enslaving them. The man had a very gentle heart though, as evidence by the things he valued. here is one of his more famous quotes. Crazy Horse said:

"Treat the earth well; It was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children. We do not inherit the earth from our Ancestors, we borrow it from our Children."

This is how my value system actually works, Sosplz, and why I feel that your future as a younger person is far more important than my own as a much older member of our society. I know that each and every one of us is only here on this earth for a limited amount of time. I also believe in a loving God, or Creator, or Great Spirit, whatever people choose to call it, that create all of us as equals. Men, women, white, red, black, yellow, and everything in between. I believe we are all equally important, and so is the future of all of our children - our generations to follow.

I personally believe that it is my duty not to hand down to the children of this world the same bag of nasty and evil tricks that were handed down to me by the generations ahead of me. That is the most important responsibility I have. It is more important than a new car, a bigger house, a swimming pool in my back yard when I live less than 5 miles from a fresh water lake that is one of the largest in the world.

Knowing the difference between a want and a need is perhaps one of the greatest lessons I can offer. I need safety. I need safe drinking water and safe food to eat. I need shelter and clothing. I NEED to have a purpose in my community, and I NEED to have fun, at least SOME of the time.

I do not NEED a brand new car every 3 years. I do not NEED a big vacation every 6 months to a year. I do not NEED a bigger, newer house to fill with more and more stuff. I do not need to replace a working refrigerator with one that plays music and has a TV in it. Those may be wants, and that is okay, just so long as my wants don't get in the way of the actual needs of others. That's it. It is a simple philosophy that is based in truth.

I hope you (and maybe others) are able to make use of the things I have written. It is what is truly in my heart, and I believe that if people all over the world could get their own governments to adjust to these facts by making them their own principle focus, much of the conflict our world knows today would evaporate and become a weird history lesson that people had a hard time believing was actually true. That is my dream for the generations to come.