Roomate is a problem… again.

[RenYellow]

I’ve posted here a few times about my roomate situation and despite the good advice i’ve gotten i still haven’t switched roommates or switched rooms because i’m scared of the confrontation and i keep telling myself that maybe the situation will get better, but everything just like exploded today and now i don’t know what to do.

I was already upset because last night i had to take a test with a webcam and my roommate had someone over and was blasting music so i ended up literally having to take my test in the dorm bathrooms and then she had another friend come over and he was there until 2 am not even considering that i might have classes the next day but i didn’t say anything to her about either situation because my anxiety was too bad. She also asked to smoke in the room for like the 10th time after i told her that it bothers my lungs so i don’t want her to.

Today, i get a text around 2:30 ish from her asking if she can have the room from 5-9pm tonight. Shes asked me things like this before and i’ve always found some place to go, one time it was literally during a blizzard bc she wanted to surprise her girlfriend. I have no where to go tonight especially because i have no friends here and i really don’t wanna sit at the library for 4 hours then walk home in the dark. With such short notice i decided to stand up for myself and tell her that i was sorry but i couldn’t tonight.

She then told me that she has no privacy and that its for a therapy thing so i should find somewhere to go.

I told her that i understood her situation but that i didn’t have anywhere to go on such short notice for 4 hours. She replied saying that the library and some of the other residence halls are open and just a lot of guilt-tripping which made me feel awful for saying no in the first place even though its my room too and i have every right to.

I told her that i don’t have much privacy either and this just set her off with her saying that shes “never even at the dorm” which is complete bs considering shes had someone over pretty much every night this week. Her text was very confrontational and now i don’t even know if i wanna go back to the dorm.

I told her that i could do 2 hours but 4 hours especially so late at night was asking a lot and she sent a snarky response back.

I have stuff i need to do like laundry and a project i have due tonight but i don’t even know how I’m supposed to face her with my anxiety. I don’t know what to do. I have no one here, no friends or even acquaintances i could study or hang out with. I’m just at a loss at this point and she seems keen on making herself the victim in every situation i’ve had to navigate with her.

I know that in the longterm i need to make friends so i have someplace to go in case a situation like this happens again but like in the present, right now and tonight, what am i supposed to do?

Do i just suck it up and go to the library? Or do i go back to the dorm like i said i would?

[Blueruth]

Stand up for yourself! That or move somewhere else. I don't see another solution TBH.

[RenYellow in reply to Blueruth]

Thank you for replying! I agree, i just have to put on my big girl pants and make a decision to leave or draw a line in the sand bc keeping myself in this situation is only going to guarantee future problems

[b1b1b1 in reply to RenYellow]

You have to try to find a different roommate. She is being very inconsiderate and selfish.

[Blueruth in reply to b1b1b1]

easier said than done.

[crochetjoy]

Oh my goodness, you absolutely need to go back to the dorm like you said you wouldThis is the only way she will get the message

Good luck!

[Arie11e]

Yes, it is your room too. You definitely need another roommate asap. That is awful. I am so sorry you are having to put up with that.

[Mumma_h]

No no no no no , this is just wrong. Sucking it up and pushing your feelings down is no good for your mental health!! You are being pushed around! Don’t be scared to say what you need to , it’s possible to do it in a way that doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve compromised your morals and beliefs . You can say it kindly but firmly , and don’t back down. Be prepared because she may try to bring you down and make it your fault. It isn’t !!! Believe in yourself and trust yourself!!💕

[Mumma_h]

Do not let this person ruin anything for you . Studying must be hard enough without this added stress . It’s ok to put your needs first !!💕

[RenYellow]

Update: i gave her 2 hours and came back bc thats what (i thought) we agreed on over text. I come back and there is no therapy thing, she has a guy over. I guess she thought her response was enough to guilt trip me into waiting until 9 to come back, assuming that because i was a push over before that i’d continue to be one. I don’t even think she’s embarrassed that she was just caught in a lie because she doesn’t care about my feelings in any manner whatsoever. I just genuinely cant believe how manipulative she was in making up a story to make me feel awful about asserting my feelings. I’m gonna look into the process of switching rooms ASAP. Thank you for all of your comments <3

[Mumma_h]

Unfortunately some people are just like that and don’t have remorse, until at least they grow up a bit . I know someone a bit like that too. I’d be mortified but some people JUST ARENT . Until you can get new room just make it plain and simple , that no sorry you can’t leave you have study ….. and I’ll be out from this time to this time …or if you want someone over I’ll be gone at this time ….. It’s a good thing for you to call the shots . Good practice for life . I’ve been a real push over and wish I had learnt young not to be . You can be a good kind person but that doesn’t mean you should be pushed around. It’s caused me a LOT of stress , and I rarely stand up for myself. Please don’t be like me 💕

[Arie11e in reply to Mumma_h]

I agree, I have let people push me around all my life, I still don’t like confrontation and avoid it when I can, but have gotten somewhat better at sticking up for myself.

[Mumma_h]

I don’t think I am getting better at it . I hate myself and go over and over it if I ever say what I think . I feel actually traumatised by any confrontation

[Mumma_h]

Sorry, I think I’m just having a bad day 💕

[Apena]

This roommate is so self absorbed there is no way anything your do is going to get her to respect your basic needs for space. Move out or get a new roommate now rather than down the road of more of this - you will Only get beaten down as this continues .

Take care of yourself and your studies and happiness .

[MaggieSylvie]

Which is worse, then - having to move out when you have no friends (but if you move out you will probably find some real ones) or having a confrontation? Anyway, it's more about needs than feelings. There are no medals for sacrificing your study time for the sake of someone who clearly isn't doing any studying and is not sharing anything with you.

[wiggity_whack]

You need to learn to set strict boundaries. People will walk all over you when you have porous boundaries -- take it from someone who knows firsthand. And please stop caring about her feelings, since she doesn't give a F about yours, obviously.

[mitch404]

If it happens again, tell your roomie to go to the library for “therapy”. Meanwhile, start looking for a better roommate and get out of that mess.

[emmi331]

Were these rooms assigned to you? If so, go to whomever is in charge and ask to be reassigned to a new room - yesterday, if possible.

Why is this roommate disrespecting you? Because you apparently don't respect yourself, and she's aware of this. You don't seem to consider yourself worthy of expressing your needs and asserting that others be more considerate of your space. As an old friend of mine used to say, "If you keep on doing what you're doing, you'll keep on getting what you're getting." So continuing to appease or accommodate this girl (how has that worked for you so far?) will only lead to an escalation of her demands and manipulative behavior.

There are no easy solutions to dealing with narcissistic, nasty human beings - unless you limit or cut off contact with them. I hope you will make plans to do so asap, since your dorm room sounds like a war zone!

[RenYellow in reply to emmi331]

Our roommates were assigned to us in the beginning of the the school year and the process of changing roommates involves having a conference with me, my roomate, and the RA, and even then the RA gets final say.

But you’re completely right. She has and will continue to treat me this way because i don’t stop it. I have a tendency with my anxiety and need to people-please to let people walk all over me. I hold their opinion of me and comfortability over my own wellbeing because i really don’t have much respect for myself. The only reason i haven’t really confronted her about it before is because of my fear of confrontation. But it seems that confrontation is happening anyway. The worst part is i don’t think she even realizes just how much the things she’s done are rude or how her inconsiderate attitude and actions towards me has all been building up to me finally breaking, because other than this situation i haven’t even really told her how what shes doing is bothering me. Which, if she has any introspection she should realize that shes being self-centered, but she’s also not a mind reader and sometimes we see with tunnel vision where we’re not necessarily aware of how what we do impacts the world around us.

I’m almost worried that if i bring up wanting to change rooms she’ll be confused because on her end things aren’t even that bad. But for my own wellbeing and out of respect for myself i need to take myself out of this situation by switching rooms immediately as looking out for her feelings hasn’t helped me at all so far.

[emmi331]

You may be surprised if your roommate agrees on reassignment. Please keep us posted.🧡