Hello everyone. I hope you all are doing well.
I wanted to come on here to talk about something that happened to me today that I never imagined would actually happen to me. And because of it, I now feel unsafe in my own home.
Earlier today, my mother suggested that I go take my car to get a carwash, as I have not gotten it washed since I first got it three months ago. This was around 1pm or so. However, when we arrived, the line at the carwash was super long, and we did not want to wait an hour for a carwash. So we turned back and went home. I later told my mom that I would just go with my dad tomorrow to get it washed, as I wasn't feeling physically well because of *girl things.* I don't know if she didn't hear me or what the problem was, but about 20 minutes before I was supposed to leave to go to my boyfriend's house (since today was his 18th birthday), she decided that we HAD to go to the carwash again. I said I did not want to, and that I would do it tomorrow, but she said if I didn't go, she would take my car and do it anyways. So I grabbed my keys, and walked downstairs to go, and on the way out, I slammed the door because I was angry. Well...my mom did not like that. She then proceeded to grab me by the arm, and shove me around, and kick me. She also tried to hit me, but I blocked and evaded the hits each time. I kept trying to jerk free, and when I eventually did, I tried to back away, and kept saying "stay away from me." But she kept walking angrily towards me and kept saying "don't slam my f***ing door" and looked like she was going to hit me again. I wanted to scream for help, but I knew it would be pointless, since there was no one else around, and I know for a fact that my brother would not defend me. But finally, she stopped, and then forced me to go to the carwash, which made me late to my boyfriend's house. The entire time we were in the car, I wanted to cry, but I knew to hold it in to not show any more weakness. Finally, when I could go, I did, and boy did I cry like a baby. And now, I have returned here because I have nowhere else to go at the moment. And I am fearful to be anywhere near her.
I haven't told anyone this. When I arrived at my boyfriend's house, I was still in tears, but I had to suck it up because I did not want to ruin his birthday with my problems. While driving to his house, I thought about calling my dad, but something kept me from doing it. Tomorrow, I am going to his house for the day. I want to tell him that I want to move in with him full time, but I am afraid that I will chicken out. I hate asking people for things because I feel guilty asking for anything. The way I look at life is: if you want something, you have to earn it. I don't think I've earned a damn thing. But I do not want to be stuck here being fearful that it will happen again. My mother has always been extremely tough on me, and insults me whenever something happens to me that she doesn't 100% agree with. Example: earlier I was talking about wanting to eventually have my own private practice for social/emotional therapy of some kind. I want to be someone to analyze the human brain and decipher how our brains operate at a deeper level. When she heard this, she immediately told me basically how disappointed she was because she thinks I'm wasting my potential. Like, how much of this am I supposed to take? All she does is crush my dreams and tear me down like I'm worthless. She is the #1 reason why my self esteem is so low. I don't think I can take much more of this.
If you are reading this, and you have gone through something similar to my predicament, please feel free to message me. I would love to be able to get someone's opinion of these types of situations. I really feel stuck. I don't know what the right move to make is. I'm scared that any move I make could be the wrong one.
If you took the time to read this entire post, I thank you. I hope everyone has a great rest of their weekend! Stay safe! Much love to all!
A Letter to My Abuser 💔
Worried about my abusive daughter
I hate having to be a mother
