Don't know if this site is what I need but I need some answers, help, someone to talk to.
I lost my wife of 34 years on april 6 2016 and dealt with it on my own for over a year and never thought It would get better. then I met someone and started dating again im august 2017 things went really well we had fun were always doing things but we never moved in together because I have my own place, at the end of september she started being distant to me and I keep asking if we were ok which she would reply yes of course . to make a long story short t the end of october we went out for my birthday and on the way home she said she wanted to explore her options and that was it, no explanation and she wouldn't tell me anything no contact nothing. I haven't slept over 3 hours a night or hardly eaten since, Its like having my wife pass all over again i have lost over 16 lbs and my job is suffering because its hard to focus and I keep running things over and over in my head every spare moment I don't want to go or do anything just dont want to be in public (even though I have too do it for work) I really fill like I don't want to go on sometimes. I even joined a gym to keep busy.
I dont have the money for Dr. or have time to take off so thats why Im on here looking for some kind of help.
im sorry for the long text and if this is the wrong place for me to be I apologize and keep looking. Thanks for taking the time to read.
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schwetzigan
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21 Replies
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Hi schwetzigan.
I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles, the loss of your wife and recent relationship..
I’m no expert by any means but it sounds to me like the loss of the new relationship may have triggered all the feelings around the loss of your wife too, the ending of a relationship is always so difficult to get over and it feels like the pits 😔 to want to not be in public is something I tend to do when I feel awful. I can isolate such a lot at times...sometimes it’s just needed to recuperate and plan and build up strength and coping mechanisms, then other times I can go on a trip and enjoy it..I know it’s cliche and it’s said a lot, but it’s true, time is a great healer...that’s no consolation right now to you I realise...you’ve made a great start by coming here and chatting...
I’m not sure what country you are in, I’m in U.K., and we have therapy on the NHS, I wondered if you where in U.K. and could perhaps apply, there would be a waiting list , but worth the wait .I will attach a link so you can take a look, you can self refer online...my apologies if you are not in U.K... nhs.uk/conditions/stress-an...
Did you have any counselling after the sad passing of your wife ? Perhaps that may help too...
Ah no problem, quite a lot of members here from the US, so,your not alone there either...😊
It’s a rotten time getting over a break,up , the worst ever. I guess we all would like closure and to know why...but there isn’t always a straight forward reason in my opinion...so we don’t always get that closure ...and those reasons we really would like...sometimes it’s simply that the other person decides it’s suddenly not the right time, and it’s nothing at all to do with anything we have done...so please don’t beat yourself up, if you are doing...
I'm sorry that you're going thru such a difficult time. I agree with Olivia that you're probably feeling the loss of your wife again as well as the loss of your gf. Supposedly if you have the reduced feelings and lack of desire to socialize for several weeks running, you're depressed. I don't think it's that simple, but certainly you can benefit from talking to people here who understand sadness and depression.
I have to challenge you on your statement about not having the money for a doctor but having the money for a gym. If you understand the seriousness and utter misery of clinical depression, you would make sure you used your money to get to the doctor for treatment. I have to leave right now, but if you want to go over your symptoms or just talk about your problem, write back to me. ok?
Thanks, The gym is a free thing through my work its a wellness center really and small but it consumes time and for a brief moment I don't think about things if it hadn't been free I would probably be walking on a walking path that I frequent quite often I have even been there while it was raining.
I just cant get this **it out of my head But I do feel better talking to someone about this
I apologize that I didn't have time earlier to say anything more. I would like to add that you've found out something very useful about depression and anxiety, also. Distraction is a helpful tool to endure these feelings while progressing toward healing. Have you considered counseling? it's incredibly valuable as long as you have the person who's the right fit for you. If you're interested, I can tell you how to find one at reduced rates.
I wasn't thinking but I think the V.A. has a person to talk with I just need to find out and hopefully not miss work to do it. I will call tomorrow and if not can I contact you?
Of course. you can comment here or pm me...personal message under the CHAT word at the top of your screen. I may not be able to respond right away but I will get back to you asap.
hmm... It feels you are telling she simply wants to see if there are other men.
ok, I know you are an old man and all, but there is only one thing you can do when women start "looking around". It's competition man, that's nature. and you can't just crumble and fold and let others win.
So my advice - up. your. level.
Yes, sounds fun at your age, right? Trust me, up your own level, so either you get so interesting women will want you or you will grow so far and will simply overgrow the women you date now.
You can't lose like this, and there is no better way to win in situations like this. Girls cannot explain why their reptile brain tells them to grow cold slowly.
..
Do things you think you should do. Perhaps you like traveling, motorbiking, painting? do it.
I was in a situation like you - I fell in love, girl loved me, I had terrible hardships in my life and despite all that was the Pepe Le Pew of a man. Surprises, flowers etc.
And we still went cold. Because we were different. Because I was a bit hesitant to be more fun. I was at a stage of life when I tried being more mature, which means less dumb fun.
Anyways we went cold and I was heartbroken.
Like Rocky I got up and made myself a better man. I built myself into the image of interesting person I knew I was. And I regained incredible confidence once again and I felt so in control, no past love felt bad. I was ready to love said girl again, and I was ready to forget her. I felt that good, like a superman with no breaks. Women were required to keep up with my life not the other way around. Be the rockstar of your life!
Thanks,I just need to get out of my comfort zone but that's going to take awhile. Things were pretty good today but now i'm not busy and I feel like im lost, hard to focus, nervous I want to just lay down but I want sleep ill just lay there
I kinda know where you're coming from. I separated from my husband (of 20 years) over 3 years ago. I know it's not the same as dying. But to me, it was very similar to death. (I lost my mom over 9 years ago and had four family deaths since 2016.) I couldn't talk to him or give him birthday cards. (Every time I thought of something he would like to hear, I suddenly felt lost and a deep ache in my soul.) I couldn't share a funny comic or send texts with him. I couldn't believe that he moved to another state and doesn't talk to his parents more than once a month or even less. To cut this short, I felt abandoned, shattered, agony, and alone. I haven't wanted to start a new relationship because I feel this way.
But you got out there and found someone that you were interested in. You went out on dates. You gave love another shot. And you can be happy that you could do all of that. Maybe your recent relationship ended because she felt you were still mourning your wife? Women pick up on things like that. And I, myself, would much rather hear what was going on with my love interest than be guessing all the time. "Is he trying to compare me to his wife? Does he take me places where he has been with her? Am I strong enough to help him overcome his loss and move on?" Or she could have had a similar loss in her life. Maybe it was her issues that she couldn't deal with at this time?
I don't know what advice to help you move on or to help you sleep at night. But remember the good times you had and laughs you had shared. Both with your recent companion and your wife. Be willing to let go of the ache you feel inside and try to venture outside of your room and breathe, knowing that you will be okay. No matter how long it takes, you will conquer your past.
Thank you for you kind words, they help. I keep wondering why, what did I do, what could I have done. when i'm alone its like going down a dark tunnel and its so quiet you can hear your thoughts and that you cant see the end and wondering whats going to happen around the next turn, I just want to hide in a corner and hope no one finds me.
I can be good then all of a sudden there is those thoughts again.
I feel exactly the same way. Some days are so dark I just want to sleep all day, hide from everyone. I don't even talk to my daughter who lives with me. I wonder if the problems with work, family, money, and so on will ever get better. And pain is just outrageous from my medical conditions. But I still work 40 hours a week. I still go grocery shopping (with headphones on though). I can't stand the noises or other people there with me. And these thoughts interrupt my good days too.
What am I here for? Then I have to think of others. Those I can help. Those I can visit. Those I can call, text, email. Anything I can do to make others lives better. It makes me feel better. And I know if I don't help, or don't offer to help, I'll be mad at myself later. Like the other day I stopped for breakfast in a drive-thru. I saw three homeless folks sitting inside. Two were drinking coffee. The other wasn't. But I suddenly wanted to circle back through the drive thru and hand the cashier $5 or $10 for those three customers to buy what they wanted to eat. But I didn't do it. And right as I left I felt bad. I will do this one day though.
I appreciate your reply, and I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel it just depends on how short or how long the tunnel is, This time of year really sucks , I dont want to put up any lights or anything and when I see happy people I break down. I just have a problem that has no quick fix
The first time in that tunnel can be really scary, gut wrenching sadness that just won't go. You try the best you can to get out but something is pulling you further down. You need help to pull you up. Friends, doctors, family, even strangers are possible allies. Medication can help. Yoga, exercising, meditation, long hot baths, driving down the road, parks, or playing with your pets. (Without my cat, Ralphie, I think I would have given up already.
I have been on this site for just a week or two. I have read lots of posts that sound like things I deal with. I think that just seeing that I'm not alone makes me feel better. Or maybe trying to help someone understand this madness we call depression helps. Happy people make me cry too. And happy families. (My sisters and I are feuding over a probate case and we don't talk. My in-laws and their family members are nicer to me than my sisters are.) There is no quick fix, that is true. But giving up is not the brightest thing to do. What if you miss that one person who could have changed your life by not going to work, the movies, a park, a hotel, a pool, a bar, or the library? Stay where you feel comfort but don't get stuck there.
Hey! Great to hear you married for so long! We don't hear of people like you as much anymore!! It was natural for you to get attached to this new person. You were in a long term relationship. Just remember that we can't control people. Therefore be free in knowing that we don't have to invest too much of ourselves in the dating process either. Just be you, don't let others take that away! There is someone out there and many to choose from! Also, I've found pastors to be of great help. They are usually available and don't charge money for their service as it is their calling to help invest in people's lives.
thanks for you words, it is just hard at this time of year and its hard to just get up and do my job and come home. I'm not use to going anywhere by myself and I wouldn't know where to go anyways, even thinking of it gets my eyes leaking and then I cant talk. I was only like this after the passing of my wife, my son says to man up and my daughter has very little to say about it and I don't want to bother anyone with my tiny problem when there are people out there who are a lot
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