Rough past few weeks

Valentine's day was pretty bad. My boyfriend is super uncomfortable with PDA so he didn't give me anything at school and I barely got a "happy Valentine's day". Seriously tho all I got was "happy Valentine's day and stuff I guess" in a low tone of voice. But he did give me some chocolate the weekend before and two weekends later. It was disappointing tho. Then my friend had a way more legit reason for being upset, so I felt bad for him.

I was still excited tho, cause I really wanted to win some cool free stuff for submitting a drawing for a small art show about relationships. Spoiler alert, I didn't win 1st, 2nd, or 3rd place. I did get some free stuff but the winner got soooooooo much more.

That whole day was disappointing and I hated myself for being so ungrateful and selfish.

Then my bf and I didn't get to hangout that weekend.

Then the next week on my birthday my bf didn't say happy birthday and when people found out it was my birthday and said Happy birthday it felt insincere. Like they were saying it because they felt obligated to.

Idk just more ungratefulness.

The end of that week got sooo much better and I was full of pure, raw excitement. That weekend was gonna be like my "birthday weekend" and a friend I hadn't seen since last summer (Jagger) and my bf (Seth) were gonna stay over and I was just SOOOO excited!!

Then I just got left out. My other friend (Miranda) came over for a bit and she spent most of it catching up with my mom. Jagger and Seth were getting to know eachother s I was just there. Then the 4 of us played the voting game, which was really boring so we switched to Never have I ever and 2 truths and a lie. The 3 of them have done some STUFF, and then there's me who just sits at home being boring. So I was just there. Then the rest of the weekend was Jagger on my phone, Jagger and Seth on my phone, Seth and I, or (very rarely and not very enjoyable) all 3 of us. Multiple times they were watching an anime I didn't like so I just sat there while they enjoy the anime.

I was left of a lot and they found out about it after aI sat in my closet and cried. For the next multiple days I couldn't stop crying.

I had just been so excited. I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. It felt soul crushing when the weekend ended up like that

I have almost no one to talk to about this stuff before I feel like all of my very few friendships are dying.

I actually stripped my walls of all decorations because the positivity or positive associate was irritating and felt kinda mocking. I also took most of the crap off my dresser and just dropped it on the floor.

The next week was spent with no motivation for anything which made starting new classes really bad. I was even losing my motivation to live. I called the suicide hotline and it didn't do much for me. I messaged and old friend and so we've Ben talking often.

My mood kept going up and down (mostly down), and when I was in a good or ok-ish mood something tiny and insignificant would happen and just bring it crashing down.

There's so many things going on in my head. I'm angry at Jagger and I don't know how to fix it. Miranda is irritating me easily and often. I feel lonely. I'm upset about the fact I'm so upset. My life is, technically, pretty great but I'm so upset over small things. There are so many people that handle their much worse problems so much better than I'm handling and stupid small ones! I shouldn't feel like this! It makes me feel weak and it just lead's into a constant loop.

The past 2 days I've mostly felt empty and tired.

I don't know what to do anymore

[fauxartist]

have you thought of maybe trying something new that doesn't involve your friends, volunteering at a youth center to help others and kind of get out of your own head for a while.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Well my options are very limited because I can't drive and I don't have the desire or motivation to do things I don't like.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

there's public transport, uber, and maybe make a list of things you do like to do and don't dwell on what's not what you want to do in life.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I live out in the country and I don't make any money to pay for an uber or something.

To be honest, I don't really know what I like any more. I barely do anything. I can't even focus enough to read! I used to read all the time as a coping mechanism, but now I just stare at things and think (not good thinking) and pick at my skin.

[fauxartist]

sorry your having such a hard time right now, hope you find something you can do to help.