I can't get happy. Mom was drunk and telling me how grateful i should be and how they love me and im tripping and i just felt bad recieving the gifts. Also I feel like a total j*rk but what i wanted is not there. Also really worried about the celebration and nauseous. My favourite anime character and crush is having someone else. My friend is online but not responding or wishing me happy birthday. I had it set for yesterday on all my social media and just one girl wished me and said she can't see me. I hate myself for feeling depressed on my birthday when "everyone loves me so much" but mom was drunk and manipulative. And i just need some love. Also i got some money from grandma and mom was recording me and I'm just realising these money were promised to me for the vacation i didn't go and in double. And that mom took the money and spent them and grandma had to find new ones. So basically that's not a gift, that's what they promised me for not going to the vacation but twice less. I don't want to sound greedy but im just being manipulated. And recorded like a circus animal and told to be grateful and how they might lash out but they love me and so. And how to get it in my bank account, i can't walk with these in cash. I just realised how they played me but i was too anxious because mom waa drunk lecturing me and manipulating me. It's my fvcking birthday, just let me enjoy it without traps. On top of that the excursion got cancelled and i said "too bad I won't have some alone time". Mom went crazy and said "i will move back to grandma's then. I'm sick of this job, works a lot and pays nothing. " I still don't have a job and i can't take care of a teenager. And imagine the abanment wound on both of us having our parents move cities at the same time.
So much pain! So much pain! And it's not just in my head. It's mom being a puppeteer
Slowly losing faith again…
Tension headaches 
Struggling with medication
i do not want to be a mom. 
