Rough weekend: (Pardon the mini life... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Rough weekend

OliviaGarden__
OliviaGarden__

(Pardon the mini life story, I just needed to talk about this, and I lost my phone, so I can't reach out to a friend) This whole mess started this Friday. I learned from rumours in school my brother got caught vaping or some version of that story. When I got home, I learned the full story from my mom that my brother was caught selling vapes, and a buyer ratted him out. My stepdad was super mad, and my dad, and my mom, though I think my mom was a bit more sad than mad. All of my parents and step-parents joined up at my mom's house to talk about the issue, but I went upstairs and ate sun chips. Later on, I see my mom and stepdad cleaning out my brother's room, looking for more vape things. It turned out my brother may or may not have had THC oil on him, the police are scanning it to see if it is. My brother is in middle school, so if worst case scenario, he is sent to juvie, but he's probably not. Up to this point, I haven't cried or anything, I've just gone along with it. Then I hear my stepdad say "we should also check the (me) the girl's room". I didn't want this to happen at all, and for whatever reason, I broke down. I locked myself into the bathroom and cut, then I went downstairs, still crying, and asked my mom to tell my stepdad not to. I just wanted some privacy for once in my life. My mom convinced him, and that was over, the house was sad. The next day(today), I go to the mall with my brother and mom, drop off my brother, then go shopping with my mom. My mom cries on the way home, saying she's scared for my brother's future because if he goes to juvie, colleges might not accept him for that and it could ruin his future. My stepsister and her fiance came over and they talked about it with my brother, stepdad, and mom while I read upstairs, I caught a bit of the conversation. I have a problem where useless thought will just circle and circle in my head, so I decided to write some of them down. My brother came in, saying he had sort of lied about the vape thing, and told me the full story. It turned out he had gotten the vapes from a high school friend who was also selling marijuana he got from an adult. I told him about yesterday and how I got mad at my stepdad. I read him the list of things and he just asked me to stand up. He hugged me, and he told me he loves me, I said me too. We stayed like that for a bit. I told him about one of my best friends who didn't invite me to her birthday, and how I was sad I didn't get a chance to get her a present since she was coming over tomorrow. Then I told him about another friend, one he knows very well, and how she was cutting. He told me to tell her parents. At that moment, I wanted to tell him about my self-harm so badly. I should've, I wanted to so bad, but I was an idiot, and I didn't. When he left, I went to the bathroom. I grabbed the scissors from my drawer, and I was so fucking ready to just end it there. I thought "My parents will learn about the cutting from an autopsy or something, it will be fine" because I've never told anyone but two school friends who think my parents know. I just wanted everything to stop right there, but I remember my brother saying "I love you" and so I put the scissors back. Later on, my mom came into my room, saying she heard from my brother about my friend cutting. I asked for a counsellor, and she said she'll call one for me tomorrow. I told her somethings been going on, but I just couldn't tell her. She told me she got me some melatonin, that's nice. Now I'm here, spewing the last couple of days onto a computer. My friend is coming over tomorrow, and I'm anxious because I'm bad at conversations. Things are going to be okay, I know they will be. They'll be ok

6 Replies
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All I can say is please go to the ER if you're seriously thinking of harming yourself. You're under a lot of stress right now, and it will eventually pass.

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Yes things will be ok. Your brother loves you so much what a sweet relationship you have. Let your mom know the truth she sounds like she would want to help you

Sounds like your whole family is undergoing much stress right now. While it seems there is definitely underlying love amongst all, it also sounds like the anxiety has been around for a while. If mom is seeking counseling for you that is great, and perhaps down the road some family sessions will be recommended. Best wishes for you all.

Please stop cutting yourself. It wont solve anything and on some real life shit things are not as bad as u think they are trust me. If u need to share your self harm with ppl to stop then do it if your not gonna stop by yourself. I've been through some terrible things that I'd wish on nobody and I've gotten through them. Many times I saw no way out but I came through them. I've been homeless most of my life. I've sold just about everything to get money in the streets. I've been in some dangerous situation like being robbed at gunpoint. I can go on and on but all I'm saying is your life could be considered great to someone with a life that I've had. You have parents that all met up because of vape stuff and when I was in middle school I had to take care of myself and had no supervision. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad a drug addict. I had to raise myself and that was tough. I know u go through some things u cant understand but u can talk to your parents and from what you wrote they sound very concerned with your well being so please dont take that for granted. I wish I had parents so involved like yours I know I woulda made it to the Olympics and done great things . I wanted to go to college and all but by time I got to high school I was having to deal with life things no child should have to worry about. I was a talented kid that broke records in track and field and was the only kid in my high school who on weekend was sent by my coach to cal Berkeley college to run against the best. I only wished I had parents that helped me and supported me. Yeah yeah that's my life and yours is different but I do know that wanting to take your life is the loneliest feeling in this world and feeling like the world is better without u is not ok. After my attempt I told myself if I ever hear someone at that point I'd stop everything and speak to them and talk them out of it and if I dont feel they are safe I'd go further and tell the Proper ppl and in my community that's called "snitching" but to save u from making the biggest mistake ever I'd have to do it cause your life is so worth it. Things will get better. It's ok to be tired but today is the 1st day of your entire life. Think about that. U can start fresh everyday and find your happiness or find help with what your going through. I choose to talk to my God but if u dont believe then believe in yourself. Dont give up your power and let whatever it is that's wrong win. As well as u explained your last few days so vividly it's like I could see what u were saying. Your a great writer so it should be easy in your times of anxiousness to pick up a pen and explain exactly how your feeling. U have a gift and u should use it. Getting some help doesnt make u weak it makes u smart. With all the resources and family in your corner I wish I had it like that. Your so blessed and I'm just asking for u to see it and use it cause it's so many who don't have it. Just as I'm sharing with u you could share with someone else and help them. Doesn't it make u feel good to help ppl. I feel great and accomplished. I did my part ya know.Its only one of u on this planet so how in the world could u cheat us out of a chance to know u? U just made my night by making me not focus on my bs to write things to u that in turn is helping me. Everything happens for a reason. Oh and if u dont believe in a higher power just ask yourself who could create something as perfect as us and things in this world. We couldn't just appear. Were too intricate. We can think have emotions ect. Anyways I just would like for u to seek help and if nothing else at least let the world get a chance to have u cause it's only one of u and u may do something or be somewhere one day that could really help someway or sumthin and if your not there it might not turn out so well. Sorry this was so long but it's my duty to help. If u ever wanna chat just hit me up.!💪🏿✌🏿💯

OliviaGarden__ and Donndonn1980 . First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear of both your struggles. It is amazing and commendable that you have reached out here for support!😊😊

I too suffer with depression & anxiety for over 15 years. Support like this and groups in person is key; along with exercise, outside time, medication, and self-care!!! Do everything in moderation!

Olivia: from personal experience from my then 14 year old daughter, she was cutting too. We got her to counseling & tried various med’s and she worked very hard to get better. She didn’t want to for a long time- But through therapy and what I mentioned above, she is a huge success story now! Please talk with your mom, she sounds very willing to listen & be supportive.

Donndonn- how far you have come! Congrats to you! Thank you for being the beacon of light to those still struggling. So many will be helped with your stories ❤️

I'm still striving and doing my best to maintain a healthy lifestyle. As for helping ppl. I feel its important and my duty because if ur not learning from life then it's all for nothing and we must share in order to stop ppl from going thru the painful things we once did. I never will stand by and allow someone to harm themselves or worse. I've been to that dark place and it's not ok and no one on this planet needs or should feel that alone. Society has to learn to listen and concern themselves with what a person may be going through. And no matter what ones background is allow a person the opportunity to be of service. I'm a high school drop out been to prison and a junkie,chronicly homeless but I'm still intelligent and can help someone. We cant judge books by their covers!

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