Last night I got into a huge fight with my family... over a board game. It was so ridiculous that it led them to say sometimes along the lines of: "Just because you moved back home, doesn't mean..." I snapped. I ran downstairs to grab my keys and I got in my car. I was crying the whole time and I had no idea where to go. I have pushed away all my good friends and I didn't want to be a burden on my boyfriend. I drove down to my college and sat in the parking lot of my old music building for two hours. I just sat there and stared at the building and thought about what I'm doing with my life. How could I have felt that way? How could I have let myself? I sent a text to my grandma in California and hadn't heard back from her. The entire time I thought: I want a fresh start. What if I moved to California to stay with my grandparents and continue with my college courses online? Then I realized that it could never be done. I drove home. I sat in my bed, insistent on getting myself to feel better. Around 12 am, I drove to my boyfriend's and we ended up talking until 2 am. I drove back home feeling better. I felt loved and I am thinking, that was all I needed. But on that drive - not having a place to go... it's about to drive me crazy. I cannot believe that I have isolated myself so much to the point where I no longer have a safe haven.
1:08 PM - 3/4/18: Last night I got into... - Anxiety and Depre...
1:08 PM - 3/4/18
I have the self-destructive tendencies myself. I think it's because I dont know how to explain to them that they cant fix it, cuz everyone wants to fix things. So rather than dealing w the guilt of the burden I feel Ive become, I lash out. I dont want to be alone or hurt my loved ones but they dont understand what it's like to want to be better, but have so little control over the madness inside. It scary not to have control. I feel guilty for not being able to change my thought patterns or just be happy. I feel so guilty that I convince myself they will guilt me at some point too. I know they have every right to feel confused & frustrated, but I cant stand the thought of them truly believing this is a game or an act. I push others away because Im just as confused as them (more so) about my episodes; but I have to live w me, they dont. I think it's my twisted way of trying to spare them or something.
Curios... Why can't you go to Cali????
I feel the exact same way Denise! I don't think anybody can understand what it's like until they actually feel the way we do. It's hard. And sadly, I feel like I lash out at my boyfriend. I take a situation and just turn it into a big deal when it shouldn't be. I hate that I do it but in the moment it really feels like I don't have any control over my body. I hate doing this to him. I'm trying to just take a minute and think about it before I say anything but it's like my mouth has a mind of its own and worse yet, my thumbs - I like lashing out over text. I just feeling like I have absolutely no control.
I can't go to Cali because I really just don't have the money and my grandparents' situations there is just so complicated because of my dad's sister. It's a long story /:
I am sorry to hear it isn't currently an option. I can tell you're trying to make the best of your situation. You wouldn't have posted here if you felt completely hopeless about your situation. I lash out or avoid my s.o. way more often than I care to admit. I know he loves me, I know he wants to help, but I get the impression that he doubts the depth of my love, as well as my desire for help, because of the fact that I don't go to bed after a decent day & wake up w a new attitude in the morning.
I pray every night that these feelings will dissipate. I pray for the strength to keep this ugliness to myself, at the very least. When morning arrives & nothing is better, I feel panicked & shameful. I feel weak. I feel like an ingrate for being so miserable when Im not the homeless lady, starving on the corner, who sleeps by a gas station dumpster. Why can't I rid myself of this darkness? Why can't I just be happy or relax, for once?!
Sometimes I wonder if Im subconsciously punishing myself for this "flaw" in my character. I know how horrible it makes me feel about myself so I suppose it makes sense that maybe deep inside I feel like nobody should love me, waste their time on me, because Im just a broken, mess who you'll eventually leave anyway. My partner tells me thats not true, as I imagine yours does, but it doesn't change that I feel inadequate. I often feel like he deserves so much better than me. So, if I really love him then I should set him free since Ill just screw everything up anyway.
Thankfully, I havent shot myself in the foot that way thus far. I pray he & I can stay the course long enough for me to start improving. Lord knows I love him, I am so grateful he tries, that he cares. Most days he's all I've got. I have my children but they need me to be "mom", their caregiver, not "Denise" the trembling, weepy mess who can barely put a PB&J together these days. I work diligently to keep that to myself where they are concerned, altho I know they're not oblivious. So I was hoping I could get my man to understand. I really do need a friend to confide in. I would be truly lost if I hadnt found this group the other day!
You took the words right out of my mouth. And yes, my boyfriend tells me the same exact thing but it still doesn’t make the feeling go away. He’s lashed out a few times at me because he just couldn’t take the way I am sometimes when I am at my worse. Yesterday he said that I was “cancerous” in anger and then apologized but this is the thing with me - I never forget. I never forget the things people have said to me or done to me and it’s hard to not dwell on words like that. Sometimes, I do feel cancerous. I feel like I am only a burden to the people I know and people I meet. It’s no wonder I am so isolated. I did this to myself.
you are in a temporary situation, you will eventually get into your own place, but having a boyfriend who is understanding is really a huge plus in your life, and also know that college will eventually be complete, and you will move on with your life. It may not be a bad idea to look at living with your family as a temporary business arrangement like living with room-mates. You can be diplomatic, courteous, but live your own life. Limit the group activities for a while, part of abandonment issues is the short fuse. We tend to be triggered easily when we feel threatened emotionally. You might want to read up on it, it's very enlightening.
Yeah living at home definitely is not easy. Especially since we are close but those heart-to-hearts almost never happen unless I initiate it. I often tell them what I need but it's almost like they are purposefully not giving it to me because they don't want to deal with my depression. I feel sometimes that they might not even think I have depression - that they just see me as a person who gets sad a lot more than they should.
Our last family board game ended the same way! I know how you feel, I’m in the same boat, it’s rough. There’s nothing worse than having no one to turn to. I’m really sorry.
My boyfriend was supposed to come join us for dinner tonight but again he changed plans (apparently something came up again). Boys are hard to deal with, ugh. These past couple of days I've kind of just been turning to this and checking in on everyone - trying to remind myself whenever something doesn't go the way I want it to, that I'm not alone. It's been helping. You all are a blessing.
Believe me you are not alone. I’m glad this forum is helping. You’re doing good😊
I wasn't expecting it to be such a positive scapegoat. Even though he isn't coming to dinner I made it very clear to him that he cannot change plans on me like this and that I'm putting my phone down for the rest of the night. Hopefully spending time with family will get my mind off of it. 
It will, hope you have a good evening.
I am so sorry. All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. There is a plan for your life. Be patient. Breath. You can do this.
Sorry for the upset! Emotions are very hard to control sometimes🙁
There is a cool app that helps us to “re-frame” our thoughts! Have you tried “Calm?” Check it out!
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