7:54 PM - 3/6/18

[newhope]

I did not eat well today. I am so upset I let myself do that and now I feel like crap because all my hard work from last night is worthless now. Feels like I am back to square one and let me tell you - I freaking hate square one. The worst square in the history of squares.

I am trying not to say “you’re fat. Look what you did,” everything I look at myself in the mirror. I am 5’4 and weigh 145 pounds and I am literally thinking about forcing myself to throw up everything I ate today. I am so mad at myself I cannot believe it.

Why do I keep doing this??? It should not be so hard. Food is not everything! Why is it such an obsession with me?! It doesn’t make any sense.

Whenever I’m with my guy, I never think about eating. Sometimes I wish we lived together. He is a health nut and works out and I always feel so inspired and motivated with him. I hate feeling pathetic.

I just want to puke it all out. I want to puke out all the bad foods I’ve ever eaten in my life. I wish I had a life coach that is constantly following me around telling me what to do and what not to do. Unfortunately, I’m not a millionaire and cannot afford that kind of luxury.

I felt so good about myself yesterday - what the hell is wrong with me that I had to ruin it just as it was getting good.

[Vonnah]

Do you mind if i ask if you have a therapist you talk to? Maybe you should talk to your doctor to. I don't want you to develop an eating disorder. I recommend you telling your boyfriend how you feel. You need emotional support. It will get better i promise. These things take time. Nothing is achieved or established overnight. Just give it some time.

Remember, you are a work in progress👍

[newhope in reply to Vonnah]

I used to see a therapist but I don't have the money now. My boyfriend knows how I feel and he is trying so hard to be support but he just started a new job and he is also a college student paying rent so I don't want to dump too much on him even though he seems fine. I just don't want to be a burden.

[Vonnah in reply to newhope]

I see, do you have health insurance? Try to see if they can cover it. I understand the money situation, i didn't go see my therapist because i didn't have any money either.

Either way, you should tell him how you feel. You would do the same for him and listen if he needed someone to talk to. Holding and burrying things inside will only make things worse i can promise you that. Its great you care about putting too much on him but once again, he should be there for you and listen regardless because you would do the same for him. When your struggling, realize that it's something that y'all should deal with together. It might not make sense how i word it but you guys gotta be there for each other. You know? Go through these things together. It will help you become stronger as a individual and has a unit. You know?

Is there a school counselor you can see?

Here's a tip: look up NAMI in your local area. They offer free support groups. Hopefully there is one in your area. They have a website. Please do this because i have found one in my local area and hopefully they will email me back by tomorrow.

[Hidden in reply to Vonnah]

Yes, Vonnah, you are absolutely correct. We are all a work in progress - but only some people, capable of self-reflection, appreciate that. I do think most people know instinctively what to do for the best (although other people and circumstances might persuade them otherwise) but doing it is often the hard bit. So many wise people on this forum (and wisdom has nothing to do with age) !

[Vonnah in reply to Hidden]

Too bad bad i can't say i self reflect, or is wise. Deep down i am a very lost human being.

[newhope]

I’ll have to check that out! And thank you