10:40 PM - 3/3/18

[newhope]

Hello. My name is Christina and I'm 20 years old. For years now, I have been suffering from depression. I have learned very well throughout these years how to put up walls and by doing so, I have pushed away many good friends and relationships. I come from a cold but loving family. I live with guilt everyday because I know that there is no good reason for me to feel this way especially when there are others who have it worse than me. I am battling with healthy eating and I have turned to food because it seems that it is the only thing that can make me happy and never hurt me. I am new here and really, I just need to know that I'm not alone. I used to take anti-depressants before I tried to overdose on them late one night a few years ago. I stopped taking them and tried to just change my lifestyle by eating healthy and exercising. It's been a roller coaster. At this point, I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. I am also a college student and ironically, a psychology major. I work with kids everyday and I love my job. Being alone with my thoughts it just another world. I feel like two completely different people when I am at work and when I am at home. Something is missing. I hope that this will help me figure out why I keep stumbling.

[seekingthegood]

I'm here for you Christina!! I am also 20 with a similar story.

[newhope in reply to seekingthegood]

Thank you

[erin_c]

You are not alone. I think feeling guilt is part of the condition (depression). We know it could be so much worse and it doesn't seem logical to feel so bad...so we feel guilt. I feel that too. It's hard to give ourselves grace in the midst of such negativity. I also turn to food as one of the few comforts.

[newhope]

Thank you for reaching out. Turning to food just always seem like the only thing that works. Honestly, in the moment, it does help me but it just makes it worse every time I look into the mirror and think about what I've done. I am not obese but I feel like that will be my fate with how much I think about food every minute of everyday. It's almost like an obsession and I am fearful that it's going to turn into something bigger. It's crazy how something like food can be a constant thought when trying to get my mind off of what is making my life difficult. Even though food is one of those difficulties - it's like a drug and I can't seem to quit.

[erin_c in reply to newhope]

I hear you, and totally get that. Have you tried therapy /counseling yet? I have found it helpful when dealing with my own stuff. At different times I have fixated on sexual relationships as the "drug" of choice...or thinking that will bring relief...but it's temporary and the consequences are not good. It sucks to feel so obsessed about something we think will bring relief, but it doesn't work.

[newhope in reply to erin_c]

I have before but I really just don’t have that kind of money. I wish I did.. life would be a whole lot easier

[seekingthegood in reply to newhope]

some therapy is covered by insurance, you should look into your coverage

[newhope in reply to seekingthegood]

I’ll have to check that out. Thank you!

[SA192461]

Dear Christina I just want you to know you are not alone and I’m sending hugs to you. Let people love you and help you..

[newhope in reply to SA192461]

Thank you so much. And yes, I intend to do just that. Just want to get better...

[fauxartist]

I'm sorry your suffering with all this, but I have to say it sounds all too familiar to me. You said you come from a cold but loving family. There is such a thing as emotional abandonment. Even though depression does make a lot of us tend to push people away, the fear of getting hurt is also abandonment issues. I know, I have depression and abandonment issues. Everyone has a different level, and unfortunately trying to work it out ourselves does not always work. I don't know if your in therapy, but I would say it's worth a try to work out what the root of your feelings is. Keep sharing and glad your here.

[newhope in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you. I’ve tried therapy before but I just don’t have the kind of money now that I’m on my own. And definitely - there is that feeling of abandonment. Hopefully being on here will somewhat make that go away

[Vonnah in reply to fauxartist]

Wow i feel the same way about my family. Especially my parents. I always felt like i didn't get hardly any emotional support after confessing to them that i was getting bullied in high school. They didn't do anything except go to the school. That's it no emotional support or connection. By the way, i was still severely depressed and anxious.

[newhope in reply to Vonnah]

Same here. It’s hard. I don’t want to blame them but feeling like that and not getting that support from my own blood has definitely made me feel worthless at times. Like I’m a stranger in the house I grew up in. It is not always like this but when I do feel that... man, it just feels like I cannot escape it.

[Vonnah]

Welcome! I'm 20 also so feel free to chat me anytime you need advice, i think we could possibility connect. I'm not in school now but someday i want to be a therapist and i love learning about psychology.

[newhope in reply to Vonnah]

Yay! It’s exciting to meet new people with the same interests! 😄

[Vonnah in reply to newhope]

I know right? It's hard to find especially online here.