I’m having a challenging day. A party I had wanted to go to I am now deciding on being alone instead. High anxiety and the want I had to exercise has turned to unmotivating depression. I feel like this is time wasted. I’m irritable. I’ve been having restless leg syndrome and at times my whole body feels the unstoppable sensations. I have to wait it out. I’m having strong feelings of wanting to die but I’m not suicidal. My self confidence and hope and love for life is dying. I’ll get it back, the passion, the wanting to have fun with and work hard with my family. I just don’t feel I’m doing it wrong you know and I’m angry that I have to KEEP on going through this SUFFERING. It could be worse but still I just feel so so sad and shameful. I keep thinking of dying. I think I am considering going to a crises house or pushing myself to do at home the type of things I could be working on at the crises house but with just me at home. I don’t want to make life hard for my family or myself by going off to there. I do know if i my situation was much worse I’d have to just go... I’m in between that and pulling myself up again. I’m trying.
I was getting excited about the spring coming. Now I am dealing with this. It wasn’t easy but now I just feel so done. For many reasons. I’m tired of my brain reminding me of how my brother looked as he was hanging from the ceiling. I’m tired of jumping up thinking someone is choking every time I hear a sound from the other room. I’m tired of living where I’m living it’s so busy loud and I’d love a change in enviornment but financially I can’t change it so I’ll focus on what I can change which is what I choose to do to remove myself from the sadness and trust that it’s okay. I know what I should be doing and I am trying.
I’ll most likely be high off life tomorrow morning... then thinking too much as I plan to follow the moons light on the sea. That is my plan; to pay attention to nature. I pray to God as I try trusting Him. And lately humans are just too complicated. So here I am by myself trying to figure out what goals to focus on. Part of me feels so done. And I can’t find the other part of me, it’s gone I think, maybe a glimmer of possible strength to use to get up when I have to. I’d just like to stay down wrecked for a while. I really need some of the prices to fit together here.
Things used to be soooo much worse. Yet I’m finding it a little hard to be thankful. I am yet I am in pain so Thant’s where most of the attention is going to ... deep breathing, distraction, prayer, letting myself feel everything without trying to avoid truth.
I wish no one knew me and at the same time I want to be so close to people but something in me can push others away and I can easily sabotage myself and my hard work when I go down.
I think it all will be as it all is supposed to be. Guidance and love ❤️ to all. Blessings to all as we recall there are times of peace and joy. There will be the shelter of the rains again to renew and there will be the rainbow to remind us of promises kept.
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Starrlight
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Hi 🌟 you have nothing to feel shameful about and ....go nature ✊🙂🦋🐝🐦🦚🌳thanks for writing I can relate to everything you say,try and be kind on yourself.
Sorry you can relate because I have a feeling you really don’t deserve this I don’t think I do either I feel like I’ve done my time with karma. Soooooo irritable right now everything is bothering me.
Guess you have so much going on with looking after your mum, and the family-
not much time to develop your own creativity. Those flash backs must be
horrible - but you know how this painful trigger is a warning to you that the same effect would occur to your family - you are so resilient to cope with all this, and still to keep going. I have flash backs of my dad who died in pain as a prescription for pain killer was delayed. He suffered unnecessarily and when we visited there was no staff around and people were lying in their rooms, alone. The cut backs meant that any socialisation was prevented as day rooms, were shut and people were sedated until they passed away. It does take a long while to get over these painful flash backs -
but you have to think of your own son and family - you are their rock.
I need to be at peace. I am so sick of this sick joke of a life. My mind is screwed up. I’m so tired of trying to make it. I was doing better but now I’m way down and why why I ask does God let people suffer their whole lives? So tired.
Big loving hugs Starlight. Enjoy being outside enjoying the beauty of the spring to come, let it relax you, the sun warm you, the sounds of the birds bring joy to your heart.
Tell me God is with me. If you believe it. Remind me of beaches and farms. Of love without the fear. Smiles bright like sunshine. Tell me what helps you get out of bad places? What to think and what to do? How to not keep falling into the dark corners.
The dark corners... what my therapist has me doing is to sit with them. They want attention and when we give them space (meaning enduring them with and open mind) they will heal. When I started therapy I could barely do it. Now I'm getting better at it. I avoid or run from pain like a champ. I used to. More and more, I'm learning to look at it and ask it what it wants. When I think of it as 'moving through' me, it's less terrifying than thinking 'this his how I will always be now' - which isn't true. Even mountains don't stay the same.
I paid $160 for that session, so consider it found money for yourself and go buy something. (Which I realize is horrible advice but so what - sometimes bad advice is fun.)
The beautiful wounded princess walked along the beach, grappling with the stones under her feet, she stumbled, she fell, she got bruised , she got up, she walked towards the mountain path, she looked to the sky, she saw the stars, they didn’t shine so bright, so she cleared her eyes, looked again, and the stars shone a little brighter. She looked above and saw the most beautiful shining light, and she knew God was by her side, she sat and talked to him, she questioned him, he told her that her peace came from inside, and to give herself time to heal, he told her to be gentle, he told her to get out into nature, talk to the trees, he told her this will not last forever. He told her to be gentle, and take one hour at a time, he told her she was the most wonderful soul, and that he loved and stood by her side always, he asked her to reach out to him, in these troubled times. the princess listened to his gentle words , and climbed the mountain, and made her descent down the other side, lighter and brighter , than she had felt for days xxxx
I find looking at a birthday card or gift from a friend makes me happy. I think how they took time to find something I would like- it could be a small ornament or photo, picture, a letter, or a private joke. I try to keep family cards and letters - it gives me a sense of inclusion.
If you believe there are stars then you might believe in heaven. You are experiencing painful feelings of loss. You can only re create the light by thinking of happy moments and how your family would feel they were to blame if you took your own life. They are the stars in your constellation - so don't let them out of your sight. You are the one star which is there to help them. Those beautiful scenes of farms and the country side are happy memories - so keep them in your mind - think and believe anyone you have lost would not want you to be unhappy with so much grief.
We all try to express ourselves and everyone seems to be tuned in - think our disposition leads us to be ultrasensitive. We are sometimes too introspective.
Ha! ha! - laughter makes the world go round! Now some websites for help with the restless legs. Cause - anti depressants and caffeine might affect your legs.
Magnesium and zinc are known deficiencies which can cause restless leg syndrome.
Sometimes there is an iron deficiency with these other deficiencies. If you have not had your iron levels tested and other mineral deficiencies tested for then may be you should have some blood tests? To top up your magnesium and zinc dark chocolate, has zinc and copper, and bananas contain magnesium and potassium.
Banana tea is a good recipe made from bananas - Dr Oz has the recipe online -
just eating a banana can help, your magnesium and potassium levels.
restlesslegsyndromecure.com
recommends magnesium. You can buy magnesium carbonate peppermint indigestion tablets from chemists. These are fine. You can take a supplement for several days. it helped restless legs. Diabetics are more prone to this.
Alpha-stim is a CES form of treatment with microcurrent which affects the cranium.
It can be bought as a small machine. Ear clips hold the microcurrent probe which circulate the microcurrent round the head. It can help pain as well. You find a practitioner in the USA. It is an FDA approved treatment. Allevia Health makes this product in the US. I would use it with the drugs or a stand alone treatment.
May be it would help your spine. You might find a doctor who also practices
acupuncture. The other Alpha stim has recommended practitioners who give the treatment - they would come under your health insurance as it is used in private practices in the US. The treatment would be a different machine and would be given by a medical practitioner - guess you are busy with positive feelings with writing and painting. The online course looks good.
No I prefer comfort food! Just chomping though my oats with a dried apricot
like an old mare really bucks me up. My sugar levels go up and I feel contented.
I shed a tear when I see hubby munching yet another chocolate bar tucking into ice cream - but though I have put on a pound over a day - I am thankful to be here.
I started to knit myself a chunky knit sweater over a moth ago. Since then I had an op on my hand, and have been avoiding cooking. Now it is back to my duties.
Think it's cold meat tonignt with veggies easy heh! It' only taken a week to pack the suitcase - off to see family soon.
Hope you make the next party when you feel like it - do you have any pets? - you mentioned those idyllic days of farms and open countryside. We live in the countryside, and have four cats and a puppy - our family pets.
Thanks Hawaii yes a cabin I’ve done and love that but it’s kind of expensive and I am not working now.
A talent I am excited to share with my youngest son is hockey. I played field hockey in high school. I want to teach him street hockey when the weather is nice. What do you like to do?
I like to walk by the sea and in the country. Spend time travelling to see our family in Scotland. We have a big garden so needs a lot of cutting and clearing. Have grand children and family living close by so we are very busy. Hockey sounds great. You son must be so thrilled to have your coaching, My kids all like football even the girls
Kids are coming up to 50 - but they are still so young in their minds and looks.
Have 4 grandchildren living nearby and 2 up in Scotland . The youngest is 4yrs old and the oldest will be 13 this year. We do have a good life as we just need the simple things to keep us going - fresh air and exercise with beautiful scenery contact with our family and being there to support them when we can.
aWe live on a budget as we are on a pension. We grew up in an era of post second world war with ration books. Ha! that means we come from the fossil age.
Now we try to be careful not overspending, and try to keep down food bills. Everything seems to be going up which I guess is the same as everywhere else.
That’s great Hawaii it must be awesome to have grandkids. One of mine is 23 the other two kids are 11 and 7.
I know things are going up and I am learning to spend less.
Yes we have beautiful lives and I think I can get taking mine for granted but it’s hard to suffer and miss out and feel grateful but I guess there is always something that could be worse something could be better so we go with the flow like nature the best of our abilities. I guess it’s good to know how much to push ourselves and how much to limit ourselves and I think it’s all about balance and listening to our hearts minds bodies.
Yes you are so right - but letting the light and the present with so much going on with an active family and so much to do running the home has to be top of the list. When when you get near to anniversaries you sometimes do a nose dive as you miss someone so much but then see you have to be there for the next generation - they need you. I am happier now we have grandchildren, as I can see how being the next rung on the ladder puts your life in perspective - and how valuable being a grand parent is for the security of the next generation. Your writing has helped you but you may be able use your writing in other ways - contributions to magazines with your personal opinions - or writing free lance stories and sending them to a publisher. We have a writers and authors artist year book with a list of publishers who may consider free lance publishing. However if you get turned down this can be a blow and might set you back - criticism might be invalid as a publisher takes on only certain types of work and it may not fit their brief. There are so many talented writers who never make it. I would still keep writing for yourself and when you want to test the water you have to be strong to take a rebuff.
((((((((Hawaii))))))) yeah it takes almost all of my energy, running the house and helping the kiddos and my mom. I do make sure I have time for myself and I just need the motivation a little higher so I can create art.
I’m so glad your grandchildren make you happier. Kids are amazing little things 😉 it’s hard sometimes thinking of them growing up and I do wish for grandkids too.
Yeah I’ll have to see what I can find some time it would be nice to write as a job I do it on my own anyway would be nice to get paid. Do you have experience with freelancing or other writing opportunities? I wouldn’t know where to start...
I did try years ago but did one or two writing courses which were on key subjects -
divorce, abuse, depression, suicide - were all taboo subjects - so you could write a kids story with flowers animals, and happy endings but could not address reality - it was anti government sentiment. I did go back to work and did not write much
Think it is difficult to find a publisher for original work as there is so much link with government and media, publishers, and TV networks you have to have the right links and connections. When I look at some of the scripts and story lines in some shows I could weep - as I can see wooden scripts and wooden actors.
Like you I like my paint brush and my knitting, and creating artistic works.
It makes you happy and fulfilled. Waiting for anther picture for you to send as part of your exhibition!
I love that you wrote of taboo subjects; I’m so attracted to that type of writing. Kids books very fun too. I normally write poems about nature and my feelings and about spirituality. Long ago I was starting a children’s book but I don’t know what happened... I love creative free style writing and and creative writing.
If you can identify with kids you can take them to the darkest place but ever so gently so they know there will be someone to help, and then take them to a light place, through your own understanding of how kids feel as they grow up. There is a market for this type of realism as kids have so many peer pressures with social media networks, and so many problems, that sometimes the positive influence you can give through children's writing can help them.
Stories and feelings of spirituality are more adult in some ways as people question their beliefs but may feel uncertain. That's why realism is so important, rather than fantasy video games that can bring aggression and killing to the young, with foul language which they use just at the wrong time. We laugh at our grand kids, but it is hard to control them when they don't want to go out, -they want to stay and play
on their x boxes. We would like to free the kids from their phones, and constant texting - but this is the world of today.
If you want to self publish your work you could go on through e books through Kindle. You write and sell your work through Kindle - Amazon.com for downloads- but you have to put a load of money up front to put the book on line. There is no guarantee that your book will sell, and if the company has so many it may not be online in a list to buy - you still have to subscribe for circulation yourself. I guess you could write about children, and how they have feelings just as you describe wanting their idyllic dream, but finding so many different negatives, they need some positives to help them accept we are not all clones and virtual reality figures.
it is the right focus in writing which helps to determine the age group you are writing for. Many adults like children's stories especially Harry Potter fans.
Starrlight, it wasn't until my father died a tragic death did I find that expressing
my feelings through writing was a cathartic cleansing both emotionally and physically.
I see you have the same need. Writing got me through some difficult times that might
not have happened had I not picked up the pen and wrote. I have healed through expressing my loss. We are always here to listen to the pain we all have gone through
in one form or another. You are a beautiful person Starrlight, with a beautiful heart. xx
(((((Agora)))) so true it really can help us float above the heaviness. I think I’ll keep a diary. Thank you I think you are a sweetheart. Whenever I see your name I’m so glad you are here.
this thread is so nice..im one of a few words but the love i see shared amongst us, as i stand in the background, is so soothing and healing..its so nice to be with people where we can share and lean on eachother..the rest is up to us..this is priceless..thank you starlight ..thank you everyone..
Every word you write is special. I love that you are here. From the day I met you I have felt more strength and belief in God when I think of you I think of strength and faith. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful and I am so thankful too for having this place for connecting with others.
Imagines with my happy childhood play in front of my eyes. When time passed and I grew up I was more and more unhappy, with physical manifestation of depression and anxiety. Today I'm lost in this life, feeling that I missed somewhere in the road of life my purpose in this life.
(((((((((Hug))))))))) sending out good vibes. I’m soooo so sorry you have been hurting so. I know that lost feeling. Like what is it I’m missing? You are not alone. You are special and beautiful. I think we will find what we need when time is right as long as we want to find it.
Thank you for your thoughts, but for me is to late. I just expect to finish this life, unhappy life and, if reincarnation is a truth, I wait for a new one.
I hear you. I’ve been there. I’m struggling very much right now. I am determined to keep going and finish this life yet when I can I smile or say I’m sorry or whatever to try to do good here. It’s harder the worse I feel I just want to escape I often dream of heaven being a true place to be at total peace and in love and of love like we’ve never known before.
I’m glad you want to finish here please know youre so worthy of happiness. I wish you beautiful moments in life. Who or what would you be in another life? I’d want to come back as a hawk.
I'd want to be a petted puss - no mouse duties, a warm radiator, and a special arm chair to hog to myself.
in reply to
Why is it too late for you? Have you lost people who you loved and feel you can't recover? Is it poor health taking it's toll - or just you feel you have got so low you don't know who or how to help yourself?
in reply to
i think breathing is our purpose in life..to stay alive and live our life is our purpose..each one of ours journey serves a purpose.. unique utopia whos purpose to serve and connect to the 'one'....us....we are all one..no one lives alone even in paradise..peace to all..
in reply to
Thank you. Indeed you must have a purpose in life, but is difficult to find it. Helping others porhaps? Could be, and it is a good one.
Wow I loooove how you put all of this Ellinaki and yes peace to all. Now if I can remember hold on really tight to those words I will be happier when I am connecting to the one, to all others as one it’s just beautiful and comforting and encouraging. ❤️
Hi starrlite have been looking at dopamine diet to help restless leg syndrome.
Low dopamine can lead to depression poor motivation and poor memory. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain and is found in everyday foods.
I like chickpea in humous and pasta, blueberries, avocadoes/strawberries
and chicken, fish, and avocados which are some of foods listed on website.
Restless leg syndrome can be linked with your thyroid hormones, getting low in the middle of the night with low TSH levels which are lower at certain times of the day.
Gaba is another substance, a neurotransmitter. If deficient you can feel twitchy and get restless legs and gastro intestinal upsets. Foods containing gaba can be found in brown rice and oats, beef, liver, broccoli,citrus fruits. halibut, lentils, molasses, pork, beef,
broad beans and velvet beans, B6 and B!2 are useful supplements to create the gaba neuro transmitters. more info can be found on
Hi starlight - are you writing? Guess you should find local papers with poetry or articles to write for. So many magazines and publications accept freelance work. If you like writing for adults or children you have to test the water. You sound so busy with family and home but don't give up on your dream.
Oh Hawaii I wish I had the knowledge of the writing world motivation and faith in myself that would lead to writing freelance. I think it would be so great. I wouldn’t know where to start... well maybe I’ll start a portfolio ya never know... I thank you so much for believing that I can do it.
How are you today my friend? It is actually warm out. Just got back from a walk in nature. Feeling quiet waiting for the rain to tap on the windows.
I am sure you can go to a creative writing course -some times they have day courses. I went to one which was several weeks. I don't know if these courses inhibit you - make you channel too tightly - it's the different- the original- which catches the imagination. Sometimes you might find it better to go to a publisher or an agent if you want to get work. You have to start somewhere - but it does not matter as long as you derive satisfaction and it helps. Is there a ladies hockey club in your area? You need to keep fit to keep up with your son.
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xx
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