I’m having a challenging day. A party I had wanted to go to I am now deciding on being alone instead. High anxiety and the want I had to exercise has turned to unmotivating depression. I feel like this is time wasted. I’m irritable. I’ve been having restless leg syndrome and at times my whole body feels the unstoppable sensations. I have to wait it out. I’m having strong feelings of wanting to die but I’m not suicidal. My self confidence and hope and love for life is dying. I’ll get it back, the passion, the wanting to have fun with and work hard with my family. I just don’t feel I’m doing it wrong you know and I’m angry that I have to KEEP on going through this SUFFERING. It could be worse but still I just feel so so sad and shameful. I keep thinking of dying. I think I am considering going to a crises house or pushing myself to do at home the type of things I could be working on at the crises house but with just me at home. I don’t want to make life hard for my family or myself by going off to there. I do know if i my situation was much worse I’d have to just go... I’m in between that and pulling myself up again. I’m trying.
I was getting excited about the spring coming. Now I am dealing with this. It wasn’t easy but now I just feel so done. For many reasons. I’m tired of my brain reminding me of how my brother looked as he was hanging from the ceiling. I’m tired of jumping up thinking someone is choking every time I hear a sound from the other room. I’m tired of living where I’m living it’s so busy loud and I’d love a change in enviornment but financially I can’t change it so I’ll focus on what I can change which is what I choose to do to remove myself from the sadness and trust that it’s okay. I know what I should be doing and I am trying.
I’ll most likely be high off life tomorrow morning... then thinking too much as I plan to follow the moons light on the sea. That is my plan; to pay attention to nature. I pray to God as I try trusting Him. And lately humans are just too complicated. So here I am by myself trying to figure out what goals to focus on. Part of me feels so done. And I can’t find the other part of me, it’s gone I think, maybe a glimmer of possible strength to use to get up when I have to. I’d just like to stay down wrecked for a while. I really need some of the prices to fit together here.
Things used to be soooo much worse. Yet I’m finding it a little hard to be thankful. I am yet I am in pain so Thant’s where most of the attention is going to ... deep breathing, distraction, prayer, letting myself feel everything without trying to avoid truth.
I wish no one knew me and at the same time I want to be so close to people but something in me can push others away and I can easily sabotage myself and my hard work when I go down.
I think it all will be as it all is supposed to be. Guidance and love ❤️ to all. Blessings to all as we recall there are times of peace and joy. There will be the shelter of the rains again to renew and there will be the rainbow to remind us of promises kept.