PTSD, and me.

[gerrerd]

What has happend to me and not knowing what it was for 56 years. Due to witnessing a old man who had just hung himself, as a 7 year old child. My mother and father never said anything about it to me. I created a mental block about it, until my niece revealed this to me last week. Well i have been in contact with loads of people trying to resolve this, some remember little bits. But most people who know are now deceased . Some of it is coming back to me now. One thing i remember is the last time i saw him alive, he was stood at the fence waiting for me to come out to play darts with him. But i was going out to play with my mates. So i ran straight past him and to my mates. Not knowing what i did. I feel a bit guilty would it have been different, if had played darts with him? We will never know any way i took a test online for ptsd. There were 22 symptoms i had 19 ? I did the test as if i was 20 years younger. Going to do it again in the present. My thinking is this traumatic experience set of clinical depression in later life. One thing i remember is 20 years ago. I was working at a paper mill there was only one way into the mill down a long lane, and past a bridge over the river. One day i went to work as normal, i was on a motor bike. In the morning the manager called jim a scots man, he always came to me and had a chat every morning. Well he said iv,e just had a big shock, he said the police stopped him, and said can you see if you know a man who has hung himself under the bridge. He said it horrible it shook him up and he was 60. This was traumatic for him and shocking. Going home down the lane i got a immense fear of going past the bridge, I went past but had a horrible feeling inside Every time i went past this feeling was always there. I now know why, 56 YEARS on i got a answer to what possibly caused depression and anxiety.

[Dubba61]

That must have been awful for a young lad Gerrerd. Do you still live near there? It's so strange how we can lock painful experiences away, for year's. My lovely Mum passed away recently and it has bought back many memories from quiet a violent childhood, that i had locked away. She didn't talk about those things, so I learned not too. I,m still trying to come to terms with these memories. And have moved to many different places in my life. I wonder now whether that was to try and get away from them. I'm never completely comfortable around People especially Men. I wish you well.☺️

[gerrerd in reply to Dubba61]

I still live in the same house ?

[hypercat54]

Hi Gerrerd that must have been a terrible experience and no wonder it traumatised you, it would anyone. It's possible it did lead to your depression or it might have been a contributing factor. I guess you didn't have any counselling as a child? Did your parents or anyone official try and talk about it with you?

I should think not as in those days they didn't realise how something like this could affect a young child. It's not too late though to get treatment for your PTSD. Is this something you are thinking of doing? There is also a PTSD site on here too if you want to have a look at it. x

[gerrerd in reply to hypercat54]

nothing was mentioned about it. i am work on releasing. The sedona method. Ray.

[Starrlight]

So sorry for what you went through and are still effected by. I witnessed my brother after he hung himself as a teen. I think I have blocked out the emotions that go with the image. My therapist has said she doesn’t think going back to talk about the trauma would be helpful. Don’t feel guilt if you can help it. I’m trying to do the same. It is not our fault. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

[Dubba61]

That must be hard Gerrerd. Maybe a New start somewhere would help. Hope the treatment works. D.

[gerrerd in reply to Dubba61]

60 years here ? I would not want to move. What does not break you makes you stronger. Ray.

[Dubba61]

N just a thought but i find the online hypnosis very soothing. Takes your mind off things. Even if just for a while.

[gerrerd in reply to Dubba61]

I use self hypnosis also its very good mainly relaxation.

[Dubba61]

It really is! 😊

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Wow. That’s horrible. My brain has a way of blocking things out that are traumatic. I had a horrible accident and have no memory of it. Only what I was told and the injuries I have. I sometimes wonder if it’s the trauma (ptsd) or the head injury that has messed up my head so bad.