So I went to see my psychiatrist today
Told him am still feeling down, still haunted by thoughts that drive me into crying spells
Anxiety is still there
Depression is still there
It’s been two months since we increased the dose of Prozac from 40 to 60
And a month since we added the tricyclic antidepressant to the mix
I told the doctor how yesterday all the thoughts that were in my head were about how to kill myself
That’s when the doctor dropped the bombshell of: how do you feel about traveling to a medical retreat for couple of weeks. It is a retreat focused about getting people in depression better with daily counseling, group therapy etc
I can’t believe I have reached the end of the rope
I feel like such a failure
I feel bad for my husband who has to keep up with me
I feel bad for myself for putting in so much effort to get better and seeing no results
I feel scared about actually doing it: taking my own life.
I spent the past four hours laying in bed thinking where and when did all this go wrong?
My heart aches so badly
I kept praying all those four hours
Is there a god out there that can rescue me?