Update, hospitalization?

[tashalyn]

So I went to see my psychiatrist today

Told him am still feeling down, still haunted by thoughts that drive me into crying spells

Anxiety is still there

Depression is still there

It’s been two months since we increased the dose of Prozac from 40 to 60

And a month since we added the tricyclic antidepressant to the mix

I told the doctor how yesterday all the thoughts that were in my head were about how to kill myself

That’s when the doctor dropped the bombshell of: how do you feel about traveling to a medical retreat for couple of weeks. It is a retreat focused about getting people in depression better with daily counseling, group therapy etc

I can’t believe I have reached the end of the rope

I feel like such a failure

I feel bad for my husband who has to keep up with me

I feel bad for myself for putting in so much effort to get better and seeing no results

I feel scared about actually doing it: taking my own life.

I spent the past four hours laying in bed thinking where and when did all this go wrong?

My heart aches so badly

I kept praying all those four hours

Is there a god out there that can rescue me?

[fauxartist]

I see this retreat as another step up for you really, don't worry about other people so much, they make their own choices too. You may want to think of doing this retreat so that you are free of people, places, and things your normally surrounded by and you feel responsible for. The only thing you will need to do is be around others for the two weeks doing the same things you are, trying to get to the root of things. Could be a good thing for you.

[Anxiousjy]

I feel my heart breaking with yours as I have dealt with the same situation. Anxiety has this way of making us feel like we’re not good enough, don’t let it win. Remember who you were before this stupid anxiety.

[Maxiomargie]

Stupid anxiety and depression. I don't see the retreat as a bad thing at all! It might be just what you need. I wish I could go to a retreat - seriously. I view my A/D as a physical illness as well as a mental illness; I really do think there's something different about the wiring in our brains. If you're having suicidal thoughts, then it's time to act. You haven't let anyone down. Do something good for yourself today and think about that retreat. I can feel your pain, and I know it's not fun. I know it can seem like such a slow process to recovery. This past year has been brutal for me too. I'm just starting to feel a little relief after changing up my meds and changing around my thinking a little bit. Please consider your doctor's proposal. I don't know where you live, so I don't know what kind of retreat your doctor is talking about. But if it's someplace you can get away to and just focus on yourself, it might be worth it. Sending you healing ((HUGS)).

[tashalyn in reply to Maxiomargie]

Thank you all for your replies I highly appreciate it each and every one of them. So discussed the matter with my husband and my family and we will put the retreat idea on hold , and we decided to try to provide me more support so my mother will be moving in with me, and I will stick to a certain schedule and see how it goes from there

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I want to first answer your simple question. Yes. There is a God. If by rescue you mean take you to heaven, then no. It’s not your time. Suicide is also a sin. So that won’t help. You should not do that regardless. God can save you and give you life if you give your life to him.

I could not take Prozac. It made me feel like dying. I hated it. You my dear are not a failure!!!!! You are suffering from a bad illness just as if you were suffering from cancer or heart disease. Your husband married you in sickness and health. Do not let that hurt you. This is not your fault. For one thing there is no magic pill. You can’t take a pill and get better. I know you said you put in the work so I’ll start by acknowledging that I don’t know exactly what you’ve done. Medicine is a bandaid or splint while therapy helps you heal. Therapy can help with coping skills, identifying the root of the problem, relaxation techniques, problem solving, identifying triggers etc. Anxiety is all about changing your reactions to things. Things come it’s how you react. Depression is about learning how to look for the good in situations. It’s all basically retraining your brain to coexist.

I reached what you described as “bottom” I just could not cope. I ended up admitted to the hospital with severe chest pain. I had the complete cardiac workup. Guess what? Anxiety of course. So they told me they were sending me to a health and wellness center. Obviously I was scared. Terrified more like it. I said no and was told I didn’t have a choice. So I agreed to go so they could not lock me in there. Well of course I cried the whole way there. When I got there the first 24 hours was mostly me crying. They went through my stuff. Anything I had with alcohol in it or a razor etc was taken. My phone. I made a deal to use my phone daily to call my son who was at his dads so they would answer and not know where I was. I made a deal though to make the best of it. It ended up being one of the best things I’ve ever done. It was very nice there. I met some amazing people who understood and cared even when I was at my worst. The doctors were able to truly examine me and adjust my meds to the best suitable option for me. The therapy groups taught me so much. I took a notepad. The one on one counseling was first rate! The whole experience was incredible. I am so glad I went. It wasn’t degrading or negative in anyway. The exact opposite. I stayed 2 weeks because I had to leave. My mom was having major surgery. (One of the many things stressing me.) I cried when I had to leave because I felt so good there. I think taking charge of your health and getting help is anything but a failure! Think of this as a positive step in your healing. You’ve got this! Yes, God can help you through this too. It’s a great escape to focus on nothing but healing!

[Stilltrying_]

Lovely and heartfelt reply Hopeful-tinkerbell X

[Dontpanicjule]

Tash, if you had diabetes you would do everything you could to treat it.... If you needed a heart stent to keep your heart working in good order, you would do it...you just have an illness that needs treating and this respite will get you back to functioning. Do this for yourself and your family. I know many people who have and it has changed their lives. You will be well again. You have a smart doctor and you are doing he right thing. Bless you>. You will make it!