I'm new here and am just wanting to connect and to be heard from others that are experiencing depression and anxiety.
I have had social anxiety, anxiety, and manic depression since I was 12. Soon, I will be entering my late twenties and have found little solace in this battle. I have seen multiple counselors and have constantly been on medication since I was little. I have been married for five years and feel completely isolated from my partner due to these horrible diseases. My husband has been through so much in my battle against depression and anxiety that I don't even believe he feels bad when he sees me cry anymore. "Your'e always sad. I can't make you happy." I get it. It's hard for those to understand what depression looks and feels like when they are not experiencing the same war.
I feel so, so, so very alone. I am so divided in my head. There is a constant negative voice that says your'e not pretty enough, not happy enough, not skinny enough, not talented enough, not smart enough, not good enough for any kind of happiness. No matter what, without fail, when something happy does happen, it blows up into negative despair without my control. It's hard to keep trying when you already feel broken. It's hard to keep picking up the pieces of yourself when you keep trying to make them into something happy, but when in actuality your pieces are of a sad puzzle that were never meant to go together in the first place.
I feel guilty for even feeling sad or depressed. Other people have it way worse than I do and I'm rather blessed in a lot of areas. So, who am I to complain? I am only being selfish and whiny. All I want to do is sleep. I have taken off the past couple days from work because I begin to cry every time someone asks if I am ok. And even if I were to tell them that I wasn't ok, no one wants to hear that I am not ok. I have no one to talk to about any of this other than my counselor. Even in my sessions I feel like a big fake and complainer. All I do, when I tell my husband or family or my two closest of friends how I am really feeling, I only cause them pain. Everyone wants me to be happy. Happy and the feeling of happiness doesn't ever seem attainable. All I want is to know that I am not alone and could really use a hug. Like a real hug. I honestly feel broken beyond repair.
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OrangeCat
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First off Welcome to this site! I understand you completely! You are not alone and it breaks my heart to read your story. Those who don't deal with these issues find it difficult to understand. I am here for you whenever you need to reach out to! I'm sending you A Great Huge Hug!!!!!!!! I'm sending you a whole bunch of peace! XXX
Oh no need to puddle!!!!!! Although I understand it doesn't take much to have that happen! I puddle almost every day!!!!! You can message me anytime you'd like, once again I totally get where you are coming from! One more Huge Hug for You! XXX
WELLLLLLL, STAND BACK. An Enormous Hug is being shoved through my computer screen as I type!
Welcome. There will always be someone somewhere in this world up and reading and answering the posts in this forum. There are thousands of us. And only support given, no judgments, no reasons to cry when "talking" to us.
It was interesting that your post arrived on my screen when it did.
I had just written some words attributed to George Washinton and how in the world he did the impossible things of winning the US War of Independence and jump start a new nation. These are those words:
"If you survive (whatever), you win".
"It doesn't matter how many battles you lose, as long as you keep FIGHTING TOGETHER."
Historians find Washington indispensable as he knew that and managed to KEEP his underfed, underclothed troops FIGHTING TOGETHER. England had never learned that during the war.
This forum is one that KEEPS FIGHTING TOGETHER. So, I welcome you to the right place. xx
Thank you OrangeCat for your "like". Means a lot to me, because here you were pouring your heart out and all that popped into my head finally was that story about Washington. Felt like a blooming idiot.
I always thought orange cats are rare. Now I know they are.
OrangeCat, I felt so inadequate that I didn't think I had anything to say to you that would matter, and it was breaking my heart and I am crying. I very, very seldom cry. I may not have the answers for you OrangeCat, but I do believe this forum that supports and fights together does.
Please don't ever forget that... Maybe the members of this forum should be called "Washingtons", and that includes you.
First off you need to believe that you can get through this. You have to know it as a fact that someday you'll get through this and achieve all you want. I know it sounds dumb but I know how much faith can get you through. Faith and fear cannot live together. Hope you get better.
Thank you. Faith is a big part of my life and just as you said they cannot live together. It's a matter of choosing which one will get more power. With one, I know it won't let me down, but fear is very convincing to where I slip up.
You are not alone! I can say "me too" to just about everything you wrote; I was diagnosed in preteen years too. It helps my depression to know we all have similar symptoms and always HOPE for a better day. HUG!
Wow. My social anxiety and anxiety started at age 12 too. Our lives differ after that. I'm very close to my thirties now and didn't get any better with age. I just started working on my anxiety a year ago and have slightly improved. I'm using the Overcoming Social Anxiety: Step by Step book. I'm about to read through it again and start working on socialising. It will take time for us to improve, but it's possible. We can do this as long as we don't give up and keep trying.
You're definitely doing better than me. You're married - I've never even dated anyone. You've had years of therapy and medication - I last saw a therapist over five years ago. If I can make small improvements in only a year then I believe you will do better than me.
The book I mentioned addresses the negative voice. It's hard to shut it up. The book gives different ways to handle the negative voice e.g. be realistic instead of just positive. For example, instead of saying, "I'll walk into a room full of strangers and be completely comfortable" say something more realistic like "I'll walk into a room full of strangers and feel nervous, but with practice over time I'll feel better".
Everyone has the right to feel sad. Just because someone has it "worse" than you doesn't mean you should feel guilty about being sad. We all have the right to be sad, even if someone seems to be struggling more. And that person might feel luckier than you.
I just started reading a book called The Confidence Gap, written by the man who wrote The Happiness Trap. They basically say that being happy all the time is unrealistic. Bad things happen. By trying to be perfectly happy all the time, we might set ourselves up for misery. No one in the world is happy all the time. It's just not going to happen. I don't aim for "happiness" anymore, just contentment with room for improvement. Progress, not perfection.
Honestly, maybe try different things. You've found what doesn't work. Time to find what does. Keep looking. Keep trying. The key to your improvement is out there. You'll find it but you have to keep trying. Try different therapists, books, websites, videos, groups, etc. If it doesn't work, move on and try something else. It took years for me to find the right book for me, and it's taken months to gather up the courage to start getting out there. It's scary, but possible. We can have a better life, but it'll take time.
I understand not wanting to worry others. You don't want them to feel sad too. But it feels better when we talk or write it out. Otherwise pain just builds up inside. Come and talk to us whenever you like. We're here for each other.
Sunrisesunset, thank you for responding. Married doesn't always mean better, just a different set of obstacles. I did not date around before meeting my husband. He was my first "serious" relationship (if you don't include a ridiculous six month relationship when I was 15). You will find someone. I'm sure you have heard that plenty of times to the point, where maybe it doesn't have meaning, but it's true. You seem like a smart beautiful person just through your response.
It's hard for me not to feel guilty about feeling bad. I know I have the right to and that everyone experiences pain differently, but, like you said, that blasted negative voice is incredibly hard to shut up.
You have a wonderful point. I am working on this with counseling to simply be content with what I have and be content within the moment. Because that's all we really can do.
Thank you so so so very much for your response and encouragement. I loved learning more about you. You keep your head up as well, ok?
12 is when I got stared with all my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Seen lots of therapists, taken a lot of drugs and been in the psych ward 7 times. I also lost a slew of friends and my ex-husband. Believe it or not, I’m actually doing well now. I still have to maintain my mental health vigilantly. I’d give you a hug if I was near you!
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