I'm new here and am just wanting to connect and to be heard from others that are experiencing depression and anxiety.
I have had social anxiety, anxiety, and manic depression since I was 12. Soon, I will be entering my late twenties and have found little solace in this battle. I have seen multiple counselors and have constantly been on medication since I was little. I have been married for five years and feel completely isolated from my partner due to these horrible diseases. My husband has been through so much in my battle against depression and anxiety that I don't even believe he feels bad when he sees me cry anymore. "Your'e always sad. I can't make you happy." I get it. It's hard for those to understand what depression looks and feels like when they are not experiencing the same war.
I feel so, so, so very alone. I am so divided in my head. There is a constant negative voice that says your'e not pretty enough, not happy enough, not skinny enough, not talented enough, not smart enough, not good enough for any kind of happiness. No matter what, without fail, when something happy does happen, it blows up into negative despair without my control. It's hard to keep trying when you already feel broken. It's hard to keep picking up the pieces of yourself when you keep trying to make them into something happy, but when in actuality your pieces are of a sad puzzle that were never meant to go together in the first place.
I feel guilty for even feeling sad or depressed. Other people have it way worse than I do and I'm rather blessed in a lot of areas. So, who am I to complain? I am only being selfish and whiny. All I want to do is sleep. I have taken off the past couple days from work because I begin to cry every time someone asks if I am ok. And even if I were to tell them that I wasn't ok, no one wants to hear that I am not ok. I have no one to talk to about any of this other than my counselor. Even in my sessions I feel like a big fake and complainer. All I do, when I tell my husband or family or my two closest of friends how I am really feeling, I only cause them pain. Everyone wants me to be happy. Happy and the feeling of happiness doesn't ever seem attainable. All I want is to know that I am not alone and could really use a hug. Like a real hug. I honestly feel broken beyond repair.