Dark Side of Depression and Anxiety

[OrangeCat]

This is only my second post. First, I should say how extremely surprised I was to be greeted with such great encouragement on my very first post. To those who posted and gifted positive words and encouragement, thank you!

This whole thing is new to me. I haven't ever been a part of online community and never thought I would be. It has been so nice to read other posts that mimic a lot of the same things I battle with everyday. It's also comforting knowing that I am not the only one who experiences such painful emotions and feelings.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my life and, unfortunately, too much of the time they overwhelm me to the point where it's hard to do everyday tasks. This past week, I had to take off two days of work because I was simply unable to go and function with a fake smile on my face. Even though the stigma about depression and anxiety has lessened to a certain extent, it still exists. Because of this, it's so hard to relate to other who are not suffering. When you finally have the chance to explain to someone that you have this illness and even take medication for it, they still act in shock exclaiming, "No! You can't be depressed or worried. Your'e always smiling and happy!" At which point, I want to take my palm to my head and say, "It's true. I guess I am just a really good actor!"

That's the thing with anxiety and depression, I don't know if this rings true for others, but for me, there exists two different people. One, who is what people see and what people expect and want me to be (including family), and the other, who constantly feels abandoned and alone in a perpetual room of darkness. It's like having a black sheet covering you at all times. You can see the outside world, although barely, but you are stuck. There are no open areas to breath from and you don't ever seem to find the edge of the sheet to take a deep intake of fresh air. It hurts going through everyday feeling divided. For me, at least, it's so hard to tell which one is the right me. Maybe neither one really exists and I am simply an amalgamation of the two that not even my own self has discovered. This becomes even more difficult when you think back to the times when your'e depression and anxiety didn't take such a toll on your life and you are not reminded by your partner "I just miss you being happy" or "I just wish you were happy." Me too. Me too.

Thank you for listening.

[WestyCMass]

I can relate but for a long time the unhappy me overtook the happy me. I hated not being able to hide it but it forced me to finally get help. Now I just try to accept myself and feel thankful for the good days.

You described the dark side of depression so well ... It can be so isolating.

Hang in there.

[OrangeCat in reply to WestyCMass]

Your situation of the unhappy you overtaking the happy me, was exactly what prompted me to get help as well. I find it so difficult to accept who I am, but only because I try to measure myself to how others are doing. Your'e right. Having good days with depression it feels like you are on vacation from a nightmare. Hopefully, for all of us suffering, someday the good will outweigh the bad. You hang in there as well!

[WestyCMass in reply to OrangeCat]

Thank you. Having a bit of a bad stretch both the good days and feeling from the recent past make me see there is something to hang in for.

[claire0410]

Thank you for putting into words what I feel - it would be great if we could just hand it out to people to explain how difficult life can be for us at times. The bad days can be so exhausting just to pretend that things are fine and carry on. It can be so hard to hear those words about being "happy" again, as if I don't wish I could go back to being that person. If I could, I'd sell my soul to be that person again! I like to think that putting on the act shows we have such incredible strength and that does give me hope that things will get better. I just keep telling myself that I will find the way back to who I was. Wishing you good days and peace in your life.

[OrangeCat in reply to claire0410]

I understand completely. It takes a very strong person to be able to face the world when they have this terrible struggle happening on the inside. I agree, I would love to be that person who is happy again. When we try to explain to others what we're feeling it's like they can't process it. Unfortunately, depression is something that you have to go through to fully understand what it's like and how alone and isolated you can be. I tell myself the same thing. You'll make progress, but remember this, just think of how strong you are becoming overcoming such great obstacles. It will turn out that you will be even stronger than you were before! Hang in there!

[Vonnah]

Great post. Welcome!💜

P.S. i love your profile picture!!!!! I love CATS😍❤

[OrangeCat in reply to Vonnah]

Thank you! Me too! Cats are the greatest (even great therapists too!).

[Vonnah in reply to OrangeCat]

Absolutely😍 i wish i had one😩

[Lostjoy]

I like this post also. You really captured what anxiety feels like with your words. I have such a hard time trying to get my husband to understand what I am feeling and why I can’t function normally like I always have up to a year ago. Honestly before that I was one of those people who couldn’t understand why the few people I have in my life who suffer from this disorder couldn’t just act normal. Boy oh Boy do I understand it now. I have so much compassion for those who suffer. And if I am ever able to gain my healthy mind back, I will never take it for granted again.

Thanks for your post.