This is only my second post. First, I should say how extremely surprised I was to be greeted with such great encouragement on my very first post. To those who posted and gifted positive words and encouragement, thank you!
This whole thing is new to me. I haven't ever been a part of online community and never thought I would be. It has been so nice to read other posts that mimic a lot of the same things I battle with everyday. It's also comforting knowing that I am not the only one who experiences such painful emotions and feelings.
Depression and anxiety are a part of my life and, unfortunately, too much of the time they overwhelm me to the point where it's hard to do everyday tasks. This past week, I had to take off two days of work because I was simply unable to go and function with a fake smile on my face. Even though the stigma about depression and anxiety has lessened to a certain extent, it still exists. Because of this, it's so hard to relate to other who are not suffering. When you finally have the chance to explain to someone that you have this illness and even take medication for it, they still act in shock exclaiming, "No! You can't be depressed or worried. Your'e always smiling and happy!" At which point, I want to take my palm to my head and say, "It's true. I guess I am just a really good actor!"
That's the thing with anxiety and depression, I don't know if this rings true for others, but for me, there exists two different people. One, who is what people see and what people expect and want me to be (including family), and the other, who constantly feels abandoned and alone in a perpetual room of darkness. It's like having a black sheet covering you at all times. You can see the outside world, although barely, but you are stuck. There are no open areas to breath from and you don't ever seem to find the edge of the sheet to take a deep intake of fresh air. It hurts going through everyday feeling divided. For me, at least, it's so hard to tell which one is the right me. Maybe neither one really exists and I am simply an amalgamation of the two that not even my own self has discovered. This becomes even more difficult when you think back to the times when your'e depression and anxiety didn't take such a toll on your life and you are not reminded by your partner "I just miss you being happy" or "I just wish you were happy." Me too. Me too.
Thank you for listening.