It's been almost five months since the breakup. I still have bad days when I feel like the floor is sinking beneath me. Sometimes I wish it did so I don't have to deal with this. I started a job and also work on weekends so I keep myself busy. But when silence hits I feel like I can't breathe.
Today I was playing with my phone and found media shared between me and my ex on WhatsApp which I forgot to delete when I deleted other things. They were photos mostly, of our last holiday together which was in August last year. Lots of pictures of my engagement ring and wedding stuff. I looked happy. But also dotted through were pictures of my wounds and bruises because I used to hurt myself. But mostly happy pictures. It was hard to look at.
Last weekend I kissed a guy and feel miserable and lonely. I'm going on a date this weekend and I feel like I just can't do it. I'm afraid I might start crying in front of this guy. I find myself seeking love in my friends because I feel like I can't be with someone who doesn't know the hell I've been dragged through. I feel like I don't have the energy to connect with a stranger anymore. They don't know the pain I have gone through. How will they ever love all of me?