Log in
Anxiety and Depression Support
23,981 members22,457 posts

Feeling or being rude

I couldn't sleep so much last night, hopefully today is an official holiday and i didn't work so I must say I slept till the afternoon.

Since I came back from Ireland I'm living at my parents house. This morning some relatives came over to visit my mom, I didn't want to get up to say hi just cos I didn't feel like talking to people, it is hard for me to have a conversation with my relatives cos I have nothing to say and I don't want to share my stuff with them.

So I stayed bed till they were gone, my mother called me rude cos I didn't want to see them, but I didn't feel well when they got here. So obvs after that I felt bad too cos maybe I was being rude but how can I deal with my depression and being sociable?

42 Replies
oldestnewest

This time I think you may have screwed up a bit. You can be depressed and still be pleasant. The best conversationalist are people who listen and say the least. You just didn't want to bother, and you are living with your parents who do have a life and you're part of it along with the other relatives. An apology is in order.

1 like
Reply

I am always kind with people but I was feeling very down and I was sleeping too. It is not that I didn't want to bother but I don't see them very often so I had nothing to say and I didn't want them to notice my depression

Reply

vanessi, those are just excuses, not good reasons. You state you are always kind with people, but you embarrassed and hurt your Mom. It's not a big crime, but you were blowing off your Mom and the relatives because it just wasn't convenient for you.......but you had slept into the afternoon in your mom and Dad's house? How convenient is that for them when you won't get up in the afternoon to just say hello?

1 like
Reply

No excuses at all! I believe if I don't feel good doing it I won't do it, simple as that!! I am not gonna force myself when I feel bad.

Second I didn't hurt my mom, she only said that but we are actually perfect! She is not mad and we went to the shops and we have been talking so much

Third I only live with my mom and my dad doesn't even care

In conclusion I did feel bad after all for staying in bed, my bad, was a mistake but I don't think it is a big deal! I cannot very sociable even if I try

Reply

Ok, but you made the post about this. So thought it was a big deal to someone. You put the question out there.

Reply

Cos I said after that obvs I felt bad, I know I shouldn't be like that but I just can't sit down there and put a fake happy face. When they got here was early in the morning and I was sleeping at that time! My mom said they were here!

Again I felt rude obvs I didn't say was right but I think you are judging me so bad for that

Reply

No judgment Vanessi. An observation, that's all.

1 like
Reply

Ur post is understandable it might seem rude to someone who dont understand but sometimes depression make u want to shut everyone out and just having a conversation with them is exhausting

4 likes
Reply

Thanks, I know it wasn't really nice of me and I felt bad, I felt I was rude but it is so difficult to show up with people, they are my relatives but as I said I barely see them so we don't have any kind of communication, obvs if I see them I say hi but I feel bad what am I supposed to do? I think I am allowed to share my stuff to someone who really knows me and I trust like my mother.

Sometimes when I am in public I can't control myself I feel I want to cry so bad but how can I explain that to ppl who is not dealing with it. I think they would only feel sorry for me and that's it.

I know that was rude but when I have anxiety like now I don't know what to do. Sometimes I sleep a lot so I can't suffer when I am asleep

1 like
Reply

I totally understand Vanessi and I agree with "CallmeDanielle". It's not the right thing, but I probably would have done the same thing. Just forget it and move on. If there's a next time, you can visit with them then.

2 likes
Reply

I have no a problem with them, I am the problem, the problem is inside of me there are some things I can't even say to my mother and I live with her. Imagine someone I see once or twice a year. It is hard, I felt rude but I think I cannot force myself

1 like
Reply

I have bad social anxiety and I completely understand feeling bad or guilty for missing occasions. I’ve done it many times to my siblings, not gone to an outing with them, not because I couldn’t be bothered but because I’m not ready. I didn’t spend NYE with my sisters because it would have been too overwhelming with all the people.

There’s times when I’m good and I can go. Good days and bad. You sound like a nice, caring person, so naturally you feel bad you didn’t see your relatives.

I always feel guilty when I don’t go and visit mine. There’s time to heal and find out what triggers the anxiety. Why you’re so depressed. I completely understand how hard and exhausting it can be to put on the fake face as well. I did it for years at work and with friends and family. Now im getting help, psychiatrist and psychologist.

I hope you find someone you can talk to and help you get past this horrible depression and anxiety x

1 like
Reply

Thanks for yours words, it's been 2 long months of this. One day i had everything and at the other i lost it. I have lost the path. There is a point i can't control it. Of course i have better days but doesn't mean i am happy or i am the same. I am so heartbroken, i have no many friends and they don't completly know how i feel or everything i have gone through and i don't tell them either.

I hope one day sun shines in my life again x

1 like
Reply

I’ve been there, I’ve been to scared or embarrassed to talk to anyone.

I really do feel for you. Can you try talk to someone who deals with mental health.

I know you said you are close with your Mum, can you tell her that you’re feeling low and you need to talk to someone? If she asks what’s why, what’s wrong. Tell her either it’s private, or that you just don’t know why and that’s why you want to go talk to a doctor who can then refer you to someone.

Trust me, sometimes just talking to someone and gerring off your chest feels so mich better .

I also feel concerned you have been feeling this way for a few months. I think acting now, before you feel any worse and get even more detached to people, go speak to someone.

Even in school there’s councillors, and if you don’t at first feel the right one, always go to someone else. Make a connection. You will feel so much better just having someone say, it’s ok, and completely normal to be feeling like this. Now here’s what we can do to help.

I just know when I left it to long, I really hit rock bottom.

I wish you all the best, and I hope things get better for you soon x

1 like
Reply

She knows everything and why i am dealing with depression and anxiety. She has been with me during the long process and i am going to a psychologist but i keep feeling bad. I know i am the only one who can help myself but some days are tough. I don't study anymore i graduated almost 2 yrs ago and i work as a teacher, imagine how difficult is working and spending time with ppl you don't really now and put a happy face. There is not much i can do right now

Reply

I have found the same to be true in my world, and really liked your reply. The ONLY thing I would say differently is the part about "I've done it many tomes to . . . " and the only reason I would say it different is because I have learned that I don't choose to have to back out of stuff when I am not feeling well enough, and I don't technically "do it to them." It's this stupid anxiety that does it to me.

I really hope and pray you don't think I'm picking nits. I only mention it because I have found making these tiny adjustments to the way I say certain things has really helped me to feel better about myself as a person, and also to own what is my responsibility, and NOT stuff I sometimes have no choice in, like having a really anxious day and not being able to do things I really wish I could.

You seem like a really nice and compassionate person, and I hope you keep coming around and posting, because I think you have a lot of good insight to offer. THANK YOU! :)

1 like
Reply

I’m a driven person and I’m on a constant path to get better and get help. I do feel so useless some days that I know when I’m well, I can do anything, including helping people.

I may have worded it in correctly, but yes, it most definitely isn’t our fault if we can’t go to everything.

Especially with me, I suffer server migraines on top of the social and generalised anxiety. So even if I’ve planned something, there’s times where I’ve had to cancel last minute and people definitely think I’m trying to get out of it and be lazy :/

I hope to be of some help to others.

We certainly all need compassion and to be compassionate x

Reply

Be a bit easier on yourself. Depression and anxiety are sicknesses. If you were in bed with any other sickness people would understand. I think some people may being a bit hard on you here.

(If your can) Tell your mother you felt sick and your intention was not to be rude. Having a lot of anxiety can be so difficult. It can keep you up at times and then when your body has had enough, it can slow you down. Your honesty is commendable. Sometimes I just tell people I have a splitting headache (which I tend to get after an anxiety overload) and leave it at that.

It sounds like your mother is supportive sometimes and perhaps not others. It also sounds like she does not have a clear understanding of how anxiety can affect a person. If it was as easy as just getting out of bed and pretending, then everyone would be doing that but not everyone can pull that off.

Reply

I know the feeling all too well. I remember as a kid, I was extremely shy. I hated it so much when company would come over. Ugh!!! I'd get called downstairs to say hello and I'd put it off as long as possible. Being an adult now ( still shy) AND depressed-that combo does not make for a fun person!!

2 likes
Reply

i agree

Reply

I can completely relate. I absolutely HATED being forced into social situations and EXPECTED to "act happy for the sake of everyone else." I still do. What a nice bunch of people that have joined in here in this thread.

3 likes
Reply

the replies here to vanessi highlight the overwhelming barrier that anyone with anxiety disorder must face. no one can feel what we feel. the crushing weight of anxiety that prevents us from functioning no matter what common sense tells us or history tells us or mama tells us. and then when you pile on the guilt of not being able to function and people close to you saying youre just giving them excuses or saying your lazy or how easy it would be to do such a small favor for them. omg this just throws more on us of the exact pressure that causes us to become immobile. vanessi you must try to convince your parents and those around you that you cannot make the first steps to any sort of normal state until they accept who you are and accept what you say as truth. i cannot emphasize how wrong these replies are and i challenge anyone to tell me from their own experience that being badgered by their friends and families helped them conquer anxiety. and hello everybody!!!! anxiety is not depression!!!! my body enters a state of dysfunction that can be triggered by the smallest occurrence that has a negative connotation and i am literally paralyzed not because i cant move but because the thought any sort of movement overwhelms me and i must retreat to my safe place with as little mental stimulation as possible. i am depressed as a result of the state of my existence not because it is a a function of my anxiety. it is depressing to see once again that so many people think we who have anxiety disorder have some sort of control over it and can just muddle through, and dont discount how important that safe place is whether it is a physical or mental place. and to expect me to further aggravate my condition so im not being rude instead of your protecting me is just the ultimate addition of insult to injury. sorry but i am so passionate about this and suggest that everyone including vanessi travel deep into google and learn the truth. this is the danger of unmoderated q&a forums. this string only increased vanessi's level of anxiety. having to defend ourselves just adds another layer of anxiety. this is what makes it hard to keep going. we cant even get out of the gate.

4 likes
Reply

Completely agree with everything there, it’s horrible to made to feel like a burden or useless.. I cop this regularly from people who see me on face value and I’m kind to them, I greet them politely and I’m never rude to anyone. Because of this, there’s plenty of people who have labeled me lazy, or just don’t think there’s anything wrong. They expect me to do things im completely not comfortable with. My anxiety can be so bad I get so tense it turns into a migraine. Then I’m no use to go anywhere. Loud noises and certain smells make me anxious. I can’t see in bright lights. My eyes go all blurry. I’ve got so much cortisol running through my body I’m exhausted, and my bodies reaction when it’s depleted, is to sleep. I have no control. Then there’s days I’m so sensitive to negative news and people’s judgments, that I don’t want to come out.

It’s absolutely horrible how taboo anxiety is. Just because I’m polite, there’s nothing wrong with me. Just because in the past I’ve had success in my jobs, now I am lazy. Yet every second of the day I’m experiencing inner turmoil..

It’s like we have to accept that we are always going to be judged, for this I only keep the most understanding of my family close by. I don’t put up with anyone else.

I do however accept that there are people who have never experienced anxiety or depression, so I’m learning in psychology how to deal with them in social situations. I have made progress by going to social functions, completely out of my comfort zone.

It’s a learning process, but it certainly doesn’t help to make me feel bad if I missed an occasion and I am already suffering from huge guilt weighing down on me that I didn’t go, even regretting I’d missed out on creating new memories. I hate those days.

So again I’ve learnt to accept forcing myself can sometimes just make things worse. One step at a time.

I try to focus on the moments I did make it to and be proud of those, and not the ones I didn’t make.

2 likes
Reply

I accept and respect everybody's opinions and also know everybody is struggling or have struggled for different situations and problems in life. So i know that people feel in different way, some can control this, can keep doing their life. Others take more time and have a completly change in life till the point where you don't know what you want, who you are and how help yourself.

I am at this point, i know it might be rude and i felt rude staying in bed when there was some visits at home but i know myself i cannot put a happy face and if they notice something is going on with me they will ask and i don't want to share my story with them. They are my relatives and i love them and appreciate them but they don't know anything about me and also they wouldn't understand me. I felt guilty but i think it was gonna be worse for me and my emotional state.

I am tired of putting a happy face when i am working or in public and i have to do it because i have no option but if i can avoid doing it and more when i am at home and have my space i do it. I know i am living at my mom's place but for now that is where i live and feel safe, my cave, a place where i can cry and struggle.

it's just a bad time

1 like
Reply

Willy, I could NOT agree more. Very well stated, and with no lacking for passion either, my friend. I sure hope you keep coming around. You have a lot of good things to offer. At least, I sure think you do. Keep the faith.

1 like
Reply

I faced the in comprehensible this week in relation to not understanding of others I went to the disability rights group of California for help with a very serious discrimination issue that Has destroyedYears of progressI trying to lead a normal life These lawyers had no clue they thought I could just go out do it and take care of things myself if I was giving instructions I was so furious and then overwhelmed and helpless like I’ve never been in years I face for serious modification to my lifestyle if someone doesn’t help me legally I do not have the ability or stamina ot the focus To fight this on my own Yep is lawyers think all I have to do is apply myself I wanted to crawl in a hole and die that was protecting us do not understand who have the wherewithal to do research and understand I have no words for the absurdity of the situation how did you fight idiots upon idiots upon idiots claiming that they want to help you oh I’m so angry. so I’m chilling all of you wearing about being rude or worrying about making other people feel better is such a small cross we have to bear and is better off being ignored I am so frustrated right now with the total ignorance of the human race

Reply

When I am feeling anxiety, particularly SOCIAL anxiety, it really is best I not try to engage in conversation with people who don't know me well or understand what's going on with me even in part. When I try to force myself and get all nervous, it generally only leads to my worst social fears coming true. The next thing I knkw, people who don't even KNOW me are teaming up to try to "fix" me by pushing their un-solicited advice on me, and it's generally an attack on my charactor.

"Stop being such a baby." "Oh, you just feel sorry for yourself." "You could do this or that if you really wanted to, but your just lazy." That garbage doesn't work, and belongs out on the curb on trash day with all the other garbage.

I don't need or want unsolicited opinions or advice on my medical conditions from people who are 100% un-qualified to dispense such advice or diagnoses, and further have no point of reference either.

Venessi, I don't know you at all, so I have NO way of knowing if this fits for you too, but, when I'm depressed, or sad, or screwed up inside for whatever reason, being around people who are genuinely happy and feeling like I need to ACT happy so as not to ruin the mood of an occasion is the WORST. It just intensifies my feeling of loneliness and isolation, because I am even MORE isolated in those situations.

There I am, with the big plastic pretend smile, acting like I am just so happy . . . and no-one knows the "happy" person sitting right in front of them is dying on the inside. YUCK.

If that's where you were at earlier, well, then you know I understand. If your best friend was in exactly the same situation as you were in earlier, and feeling the same feeling as you were, what would you tell him or her? Would you encourage your friend to feel bad about it? Would you tell your friend they were rife, or awful, or bad?

I don't think so. So, why tell yourself that? You MIGHT do well to tell yourself, "well, I can't expect others to understand what I need to do to take care of myself, so, it's okay to just do what I need to do for me to get better, and those that "get it" will just "get it," and those that don't probably never will no matter how hard I try."

3 likes
Reply

I feel the same, I needed to close my Facebook and media cos seeing happy people made me feel even worse. Very lonely and depressed. I don't try people understand my feelings or why I am in such a bad form.

I find it very hard to tell my story to "normal and happy" people cos they wouldn't understand, they think you can control and fix it so easily, I was one of these people before because I wasn't on the shoes of someone dealing with depression and anxiety. Now I understand perfectly what is like.

I have always been very social girl but my life has changed so much in the last 2 months that I don't know who I am anymore, I lose trust in myself every day

Reply

Well, take a look around, Venessi. It seems that while neither of us likes some of the things that have come our way in life, that there are some people here that have A.) Had similar difficulties, b.) Are making progress little by little, c.) Seem to be very nice, genuine people.

I am really happy to have made contact with some people here, and this thread you started seems to have brought some really mind-hearted people together. I sure feel like I have read a lot of really great writings in a very short span of time. I hope you feel the same way about it.

Hang in there and keep doing what seems right. Your decisions don't HAVE to make sense to everyone else. They just need to be the right decisions to care for yourself in healthy ways so you can have as many good days as possible. I believe doing that makes it so you CAN be a positive part of the people's lives who care about you the most.

1 like
Reply

By you feeling bad about not being able to face the company shows you are caring and compassionate.

Sometimes in these situations especially if the visitors aren't aware of your situation it could have been best to avoid them. Perhaps you and your mom can discuss this and she could check with you before expecting you to entertain visitors. We're they coming specifically to visit you? Or was it your mom's company.

Do talk to her and help her to understand just how serious this is. Make sure you get some medical help. Your happy life is waiting for you. Help yourself reclaim it. SC

2 likes
Reply

They came over to pick up some stuff and say hi. They were not especially willing to see me. My mom knows perfectly my situation and sometimes understands I don't want to be surrounded by people.

I just wanted to avoid feeling worse this morning and try to rest cos I couldn't sleep so much during the night. My relatives don't know my situation due I see them once or twice a year.

I did feel bad because I know it is a bit rude and I regreted but I was not in a very good form to sit down in the living room and have a long conversation

Reply

"By you feeling bad about not being able to face the company shows you are caring and compassionate."

Bingo. That's it. Thank you for that!

3 likes
Reply

I totally understand. I think you have beat yourself up enough. You didn't harm them nor cause them any mental distress. If you still feel bad drop them a note and tell them your sorry you felt under the weather. Make sure your Mom knows you love her and you need her support and help. It wouldn't hurt if she read some materials so she could better understand what you're going through. A great support person is worth their weight in gold. SC

2 likes
Reply

She has been with me through this long process. Sometimes she doesn't understand my feelings but still supports me. The only one who knows how exactly I feel is me but I try to be with ppl who I trust, who know me well and try to avoid telling my story to some that are not that close and what is more they would understand cos they are not dealing with the mental and emotional issues I am now

1 like
Reply

I completely understand what it is to have the support of people who don't really know exactly how I am feeling or how it comes about, but are willing to just ask how they can be helpful, and can trust that I actually DO have a clue as to what has and has not worked in my life.

Your mom sounds like an awesome lady, and a really good parent and friend. My mom was awesome too, and was easilly the only really healthy family member I ever had. She wasn't perfect, of course, but she was strong enough to admit when she made a mistake, and smart enough not to take responsibility for mistakes that were NOT HERS.

I miss her, but the things she gave me are things NO-ONE can ever take from me. She passed away 3 years ago last December 13th, and I really am okay with it. I miss her because she is worth missing! :) It sounds like your mom is **almost** as awesome as mine! (I say **almost** because, well, because I HAVE to!)

Reply

I'm sorry about your mom. You are right it is hard to support and being supported

Reply

As long as she knows the scope of your situation. It still wouldn't hurt for her to become more aware how too support you. Have you gotten any type of professional help yet? If not please consider it's time. Some things can't be managed or healed alone. SC

1 like
Reply

I'm seeing a psychologist but it is not helping at all

Reply

Aw sweetie I know exactly how u feel. Try to put feeling bad out your mind. Does your mum know your ill and how it affects you. Maybe have a wee word and try to explain that you just can’t face anyone when you feel this way. Have u found something that occupies you and can hold your concentration. Reading, tv or anything else calmed me except for playing a game on my phone. I know it sounds funny but I just seemed to get lost in it. Hope tomorrow is a good day ❤️

1 like
Reply

Yes she knows, everything is fine with her. Today I woke up feeling very sad and hopeless! Not wanted see anyone. There are just 2 ppl I only want to see in the mornings (mornings for me are the most difficult part of the day) my mother and my ex.

Anyway seems I'm never gonna recover

Reply

What about the X? Is there something you need to discuss? If not OK. I'm sure we can be fair and objective.

Reply

I am at this point because my ex. He broke up with me, we had so many plans. We were gonna get married and everything but all ended

Reply

You may also like...