I need advice....before I explode with anxiety....

[weegmack]

Ok, this is going to be a bit of long post, just to ask for advice.

My (older) sister and I don’t exactly get along. She’s a couple of years older than me and always bullied me, psychologically, when we were growing up. As teens, she wanted nothing to do with me and was really mean to me all the time. My mum would never get involved....ever.

My sister became a very rebellious teen and she put my parents through so much. She made my dad cry. She was a manipulative liar and caused so much trauma in my house. It was so bad, that my mum actually asked her to leave, when my sister was about 18/19. But she eventually let her come back. Nothing got better. I admit that I hated her at the time.

It’s important that I mention at this point that my dad was a high functioning alcoholic. I can’t go into all of that just now, or I’ll end up writing a novel. But it’s important to point out that my mum did NOTHING to protect my and sister and me from his violent outbursts. When my sister became rebellious, I felt I had to tow the line and not cause any upset or trouble.

Once I was in my second year at university, my mum and dad relocated to Northern Ireland with my dad’s job. They very generously bought a 2 bed terraced house for my sister and I to live in. It was a nightmare. By this point, my sister had a full-time teaching job. She threw wild parties at weekends, and I would often come home from evenings out with my boyfriend (now husband), to find some random couple in my bed, someone throwing up in the toilet....you name it. I would tell my mum and ask for help, but she would tell me I’d have to grow up and deal with it.

When I was in third year at uni, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My sister carried on with the parties and being a bully to me - despite his illness, she hated him because he had forbidden her in the past from going out with certain boys. I would visit my dad when I could and it was very hard dealing with that, my sister and my degree, working a part-time job and coming to terms with my emerging anxiety, panic attacks and subsequent IBS. I stopped eating properly and lost so much weight. I was a wreck. Nobody seemed to care.

I finally stood up to my sister when I was in my fourth and final year at uni. I was about to start my finals and I had been over at my boyfriend’s house for the evening. I walked home and came home to the house full of people, a couple having sex in my bed and I lost it. Absolutely lost it. The crowd in the house, encouraged by my sister, actually boo-ed me out of the house. I had to leave with the clothes on my back and my rucksack and walk all the way back to my boyfriend’s house (no mobile phones then). I had to ask if I could stay the night and his parents kindly let me stay. The next morning, I rang my mum and asked for her help (my dad was in remission at this stage) and she said, “well, what do you want me to do about it?”. I became very ill after that, very underweight (unlike the blob I am now) and I have no idea how I got through my finals and gained my degree.

After graduation, my dad was able to offer a job to my boyfriend and we moved to Northern Ireland. I had finally got away from my sister. We got engaged and bought a little house. Months later, my sister followed us over and moved round the corner. I was gutted.

My dad died on 9 October 1997, two days before my wedding. I can’t talk about that just now. Within a few months, I was seeing a grief counsellor and it all came out about my sister. The counsellor suggested I wrote a heart-felt letter to my mum, explaining how I was struggling with my sister and needed her support. My mum ripped it up in front of me.

My mu remarried in 2001 and made it very clear that she wanted to draw a line under the past and had a new life. I was told her life was with her new husband. After the birth of my second child, I was very ill with PND and she never once came to help me - just told me to pray about it. By this time, my husband and I had moved back to Scotland and my sister and I barely spoke.

Jump to this year....my sister is back in Scotland, as is my mum (both moved back 10 and 5 years ago respectively). My stepdad died in March (he was 16 years older than my mum) and my mum has decided she wants to see me so much and I’m just not used to it. My sister has manipulated my mum to give her money, several times over the years and regularly tells me that my mum has either given my inheritance to my sister, or that she’s spent it all. On the very day of my stepdad’s death, my sister persuaded my mum to book a holiday for them both to Tenerife, and she did. She also said horrible things to me about mum, like “how long till mum buys a sports car now that she’s on her own?”

Last year, in August, I had a complete breakdown. I was very ill with GAD and depression. It was about a month after that that my stepdad took ill and also my nephew was very ill with a terrible illness. I couldn’t cope and I know I was very little help to either my mum or my sister. I was suicidal at the time, but I still feel I really let them down. By March of this year, my stepdad had died and the funeral was awful because my sister took over and I couldn’t speak to her at all. My nephew is really recovering now, but the last time I saw him (about 8 weeks ago, at my mum’s house) my sister phoned before we arrived to tell me that he didn’t remember me because I hadn’t seen him for so long. I was devastated and had to be dragged out the house to go and see them all. Turns out, my sister was lying through her teeth.

I’m still very depressed and I suffer with dreadful anxiety, no self-esteem either. So here’s the big question: mum asked if we wanted to spend Christmas Day with her, my sister and my nephew. My brother-in-law works as a nurse, so will be working on Christmas Day and my niece won’t be there because, basically, she doesn’t get along with my sister. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. My husband has put his foot down and said my mental health is way more important to him than me trying to please my mum. My in-laws will be spending Christmas with my sister-in-law, so I don’t even have that as an excuse.

I literally don’t know what to say to my mum. I’ve never stood up to her, because she essentially just won’t understand mental health problems. She believes they are sinful. I just can’t spend the day with my sister because she will upset me. She’s lost a lot of weight and so has mum, they even dress the same 🙄. However, I have put on weight thanks to my depression and chronic pain. My sister always asks me what size my clothes are and now my mum is doing it too. They compliment each other all the time, yet when I lost a lot of weight they told me I looked so terrible. But I still feel I let both of them down, by not being there when they were going through such hard times and I don’t know what on earth to say about Christmas Day. Help.....x

[hypercat54]

Hi why go and make yourself miserable? Do you owe either of them anything? No. From what you have said they have both treated you very badly so to be honest I would limit my contact with both of them. You are not responsible for either of them and there is no law saying you have to be good friends with your relations. You need to put yourself first.

You are not going to be able to move on otherwise. Oh and counselling might be a good idea. x

[weegmack in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you ❤️. I’m so done with the pair of them. I think I’ve become to used to their manipulation that I don’t know how to stop myself falling for it.

I’ve been referred for more counselling but they can’t see me till Dec 17th...x

[hypercat54 in reply to weegmack]

That's the spirit. They sound like they deserve each other and I hope it makes them happy. You are well out of it. Oh and don't go falling for any guilt trips! x

[Sprinkle1]

What an ugly mess. I think you need help in the biggest way. Look for support groups in your area, they are generally free. Get some good self help books at the library you are a grown adult and owe these two sick individuals NOTHING. Listen to your husband he loves you and deserves not to be drawn into this pit of poison. Family can be our worse enemy, learn to say NO, I have cut off one brother, who was so cruel and nasty to me. I think of him as dead and it causes me no pain. I have let go of another brother who let go of me for what reason I have no clue. I do not have the energy to give to these people, only to myself and one healthy brother, and some good close friends. Remember you cannot give from an empty cup, and if it is low, then you have to keep that for yourself and immediate family, i.e. your husband and children. You own No one Anything. These people are sick and manipulative, you know that, so stay away. Do your own Christmas the way You and Your Husband want it. Get on with your life. You need to be well, therapy will help you, but you must help yourself. It can be painful, but well worth it, I know. I hope I do not sound harsh, but believe me I had walked a painful road and thru therapy and reading I am free. I avoid negative people, engage in what pleases me, do volunteer work it gives me a sense of purpose. You have your husband and children. Love Yourself, treat yourself as you do your children, let the rest go. Life is to be enjoyed not lived in torment, freedom is yours take it. I send you strength, energy, self confidence, love and hugs.....Sprinkle 1........

[weegmack in reply to Sprinkle1]

You don’t sound harsh at all - and I’m sorry you’ve been through such a horrible time 😞. It is a big, ugly mess. So much else has happened too, but I would be writing an actual novel if I had to write it down.

One of the difficulties I have, is that my mum has helped us out financially over the years. That has been a wonderful thing for her to do. But, there is no emotional support. And she lives in absolute denial about her role in the distress of my childhood and wants nothing to do with what my sister did to me. So that just messes with my head so much. I’m so tired of it. So tired.

I feel strong enough to explain to her that we’re just going to have Christmas Day in our own house, just the four of us. I’ll just tell her that, because I’m still recovering from the breakdown, I’m not feeling strong enough to spend Christmas away from home and in the company of my sister. I’m seeing a counsellor on 17th December (waiting lists are terrible) and I’m back at my GP on Thursday this week. Xx

[Tutumama in reply to weegmack]

I am glad you're feeling strong enough to tell her that. Keep your resolve and don't let either of them bully you or try to talk you into doing things their way. They made this mess, let them live with it.

It is not YOUR duty to make them happy...I somehow think you're realizing that now. You have a husband and 2 children plus yourself to care for and all of you need to come before them every day. Make your own Christmas traditions for every year going forth and leave the negative and toxic behind. It's going to be your key to healing, you will see.

I wish you the best! You can do this, I know it. Love and hugs!

[Unhingedd]

I am so sorry for all the hard times you had to go through. But it will get better and for that you need to make yourself your first priority.

I think to function better it is essential to destress yourself and eliminate negative elements from life.

Refuse the offer very gently, make an excuse or just be honest that you dont have the strength to adjust them in your schedule with thier judgemental attitude towards you. That you are seeking a balance and this will disrupt the progress you gained so far.

If they do not understand it then its thier problem you have to communicate it to them only, not make them understand.

Perhaps you may visit your mom when your sister is not there as them together is more aggravating to you. Make a plan with your mom and husband only inviting her to meet you instead in an environment where you have control over it.

She seems lonely and in mourning and looks like is being taken advantage of aswell unbeknownst to her. Maybe she genuinely wants to reconnect. Do it on your own terms in your controlled space.

However you do not need To do this if it is still uncomfortable for you. perhaps when you are prepared and ready only.

I hope you pull through this with strength and Im not a professional and not fully aware of your relationships dynamics, but I would do look to do what is comfortable for me if I washad in your position. If you want to talk about it then im here

[weegmack in reply to Unhingedd]

Thanks so much ❤️. My mum is one of those people who, if she wants to do something, she just will - and it doesn’t really matter how that affects anyone else.

As a child, I suffered anxiety throughout the night, and upset stomach and she would get angry with me for waking her. Her favourite phrase was “I need my sleep”. I could give many examples, but a previous counsellor has told me that I was actually neglected as a child - emotionally. Because I never went without anything, it never occurred to me that I was neglected. So that’s been hard to come to terms with.

When my dad died and my mum married again, I asked her if she would like to spend Christmas with us. She looked me straight in the eye and told me “No, we won’t be spending Christmas with you, because my life is with John now”. I’ve never forgotten that - it was 17 years ago. As per usual for me, I didn’t challenge that. I just learned to live with a pretty minimal, though amicable, relationship with her.

However, now she’s on her own again, I feel resentful about spending more time with her. I’m so unwell myself, it’s hard to feel strong about being there for my mother, who was never there for me.

My sister is horrible about Mum, behind her back, but uses her as a bank basically. I’ve told my mum this, but she’s choosing to ignore it.

I just feel so miserable about everything 😕

[Hidden]

You are not obligated to go anywhere. Neither one helped you through the years and routinely disrespected you. Why do you owe them anything.