On Monday I have to decided what to take for my PTSD, generalised anxiety disorder and servere depression. I’ve been offered to try Latuda or Prozac and lithium, because I’ve previously been on antidepressants, mood stabilisers and antipsychotics before and I get manic switch and I’m super sensitive to side effects.
My G.P suggested I start with one med, that way I can see if it’s working or not. My psychiatrist is new and trying her hardest to figure out wether to start me on an antipsychotic or antidepressant. I’ve told her what I can’t take, I’ve been on Effexor, cipramil, epilom, seroquel, lithium, Zoloft, aropax, citlopram, and they all made me manic. They made my dreams more intense and of course the ones that didn’t make me hypo, made me sleep and so I just dreamed and dreamed and that’s the last thing I want it to be having PTSD dreams! I’m so overwhelmed and sick with anxiety about it. I haven’t slept all week.
After getting off meds about 5 years ago I vowed after the horrible gory weight gain, sweats, body tremors, headaches, zombie personality, sucidal attempts, being scheduled becasue of that, and horrible messed up withdrawals.. I vowed never ever to go on them again.. I came good by myself and went back to work. Certain events 3 years ago have triggered me and I can’t recover from them. Therapy has not helped.
These Past three years I’ve had no work, been locked away at home feeling like a prisoner, no life and I’m severely depressed.
So I’m at a point where my anxiety is out of control, I’m so depressed I couldn’t even manage to spend NYE with my sisters. I hated Xmas and the big social gathering. I know I need help, but I’m so worried that meds won’t work, or they’ll make me do what I did last time, take the whole packet and end up in hospital. Or doing something reckless..
I feel like I have no future, if meds can’t help me, therapy can’t help me, what’s left? I keep wishing I’d died in 2007 when I took my overdose of meds. I just want the pressure of life to go away. My heads saturated with thoughts of suicide everyday in top of trying to figure out what to do. On top of that social security is non stop hassling me to find work because those useless people don’t recognise me at face value as having anything wrong with me. The thought of having to face the public and go outside is so overwhelming. This has been my three year battle and now it’s come to a head. I have to try meds again and not knowing the outcome is too much.
It’s to the point now where I’m making the people close to me extremely worried and even depressed. I don’t even recognise myself anymore.
I’ve always had a solution, but I feel like I’ve run out of options.. I’ve tried everything.
Extremely overwhelmed here!