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Suicidal ideation
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I keep day dreaming of slitting my throat and stabbing a knife into my chest taking some pills -I’m obviously sick. But I’m taking care of my kids, putting every positive piece of myself into them and they are happy. Which, when they are happy, brings my heart a beautiful peace. I don’t want to mess this up or them. So I am not going to kill myself. But it’s all I’m thinking about. Ever since I went off lithium. My doctor said no that doesn’t make sense - as you’d be manic as result of going of lithium not depressed. Well I have little faith in the future for my mental health. I can’t do this any more. I can’t wait for Thursday’s appointment I’m calling him now. I’ll update later thanks for listening
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Starrlight
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So sorry Starrlight, could some of it be obsessive thoughts? I get that when I think of Suicide. I pray you have a good Dr. appointment. I know it’s tough. One day at a time.Liti
Yes obsessive thoughts make sense. Because I would never do that to my kids yet I’m so eeply depressed and I want to die like I wish I was dead by an accident or something or that I got much better in my health
Please share your thoughts with a medical professional. It must be hard to carry on with those thoughts poisoning your mind. At the very least know that you make a difference and I care about you. Sending you love and understanding.
Starrlight, I'm here for you. Please tell someone you're having these feelings. I know you don't want to be hospitalized, but if it means you save your own life, go there!!!!!!
Then run, don't walk to a psychiatric ward!!! Keep yourself safe. I know how that can affect your kids, but they want their mom alive. I don't know what else to say.
I am sitting here just deeply wanting to die. I don’t know what that means I have no reason to I have no real plan to I just don’t want to feel this emotional pain anymore
I have just been on a long stretch of much better mood wise while on lithium and Paxil (a somewhat new med) together but yes I have felt this way before while on lithium without the Paxil.
I hope the doctor is able to provide you with a better combination of meds to help stabilize your mood. I'm glad you're with us and pls reach out to the nearest emergency if the thoughts morph into you wanting to take action to harm yourself. Sending you a virtual hug and loads of love
Okay, I understand. Sometimes the medications can really mess with our emotions, especially when we discontinue them. I know that I am having some tough days, still, after letting go of the Clonazepam. The reasons I began it, came back two-fold, after stopping. There are days when have I reached for the bottle, but managed to put it back down. I am constantly wanting the relief that it brings to me.
I am genuinely sorry that you are dealing with so much right now. I understand, and wish I could do something to help. 💙
I've only been on Lithium for 6 years, it is suiting me well so far, I'm always aware it could sometime in future begin to affect my organs, and I might have to come off it. I was of the opinion that being on Lithium keeps us stable, helps stop us from going either high or low.The trauma I went through last year could have sent me either way. I felt thankful to be on Lithium. I wasn't on anything else at all all - only Lithium. I'm very sceptical that it only stops you from going high.
I would look into that if I were you, I wonder if there is any closely related alternative to Lithium when a person cannot longer be able to take it?
aww starrlight so sorry you have been through this before and have always bounced back and you will this time too.it just isnt fair that you have struggled so many times but you are a real fighter. i dont post much but i often read your posts for quite some time now and im proud if you for stayiing strong.
the kids must be close to being out of school soon right? not sure they went back in person or still home schooled.
you stay strong starrlight for those kids and yourself
Hey 🐬!!!!!!!!! I can’t seem to get my butt up to walk. It always feels great when I do so I’m gonna push myself right now!!!! I will be feeling much better soon I think 🤔 😆 How are you beautiful?
So I walked but there were cicadas all over the ground IT SUCKED I was trying not to step on them 10 minutes of that and I was done. I have an indoor bike maybe that’s almost as good.
I actually avoided stepping on them - probably a funny sight to see - more like a dance. Ha I wonder if Toady would? Maybe the baby ones. I was just thinking I need to go pick up crickets for her.
Good job following up with your doc. I'm really impressed with how you are managing these thoughts and still being there for your kids. Be proud of yourself and always keep going!
Thanks so much! Yeah you are right that’s what I’m doing now, treating them as just thoughts and getting on with life but it’s hard when I get really deep into the depression I can still function but it’s just hell. Thanks so much for being here.
I hope you’re doing ok. I know I’ve had Those thoughts before. I still get them once in a while.
In my opinion everyone has those thoughts even people that don’t suffer from mental health.
I read a book about OCD and it puts a perspective on how all humans have those thoughts. Some make a big deal of them, and some just shrug them off. But at the end of the day they’re just thoughts and nothing more.
I hope your psychiatrist finds the next right medication for you.
Good point. OCD could be part of it I do agree. I think if they are just thoughts let them go ... in my case I’m having them along with depression so it’s scary to me. But yeah I’ll talk again to my psychiatrist Thursday.
Yeah I could never hurt them we can’t but in times like these when my mind is chaotic it scares me. I’m trying to be patient with doctors and therapists but there’s only so much they can do. I pray to God now.
I know darling I know exactly how u feel every day is a struggle and I know what u mean about your mind scaring you hun if u ever wanna chat I’m a message away xxx
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Visions of Hurting Myself ***Major Trigger Warning***Message from the HU Admin team. This post contains information that could be upsetting.
**CONTAINS TRIGGERS** Really dont know where to go from here
Happy Late New Years everyone. 
Here is how I feel all the time. Here is me!
