I am a bit lost

[yoyo2566]

I have been doing counseling and taking increasing doses and different types of drugs for depression and anxiety. Recently I have been increasing doses of ADD medication, which does seem to help me focus some instead of being so scatter-brained. But I still have the nervous tremors, bouncing legs, and have returned to chewing fingernails, sometimes when I am sleeping!. The all-over itching has never subsided, and I have been examined to ensure I do not have a physical issue causing any of the above. My main problem is my inability to fix my bad social behaviors with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. My actions are very self-centered like I am protecting myself. This of course does not work well with my spouse who is ready to divorce me. Where do I go from here? Why won't I modify my actions & reactions to social situations- or even just being able to talk with my wife?

[Clarebear86]

I understand completely where you are coming from with this. I feel I can’t talk to my husband about my depression and anxiety issues, for what I can list could be a number of reasons. But there are just some days no matter how much I may want to, I just physically can’t, I can’t find the words. I just want to be left alone and curl up into a ball for comfort and protection. I apparently didn’t show any or enough interest in him. I view my husbands need to spend time alone as somewhat of an attack on me a betrayal. One that quite literally makes me feel like my world is ending. But we have to try and connect with those around us, we have to be strong. Maybe write a letter on the good days explaining how you feel when you are down and give it to your wife to reassure her. I am currently waiting for therapy and cbt so can’t really comment on that, but give it time! I have been meeting with someone for support who suggested putting in place a plan for when you aren’t at your best. It lists triggers, what makes you feel good, daily maintenance you need to do to get you through the day, if you feel yourself slipping what needs to happen, if you’ve fallen completely, and when it passes. I have to share this with my husband when I get round to doing it.

[yoyo143]

Thanks Carebear, I have found that writing a journal helps sometimes so please forgive the rambling nature.... Current issue- we were visiting relatives in Vancouver BC. It was raining heavily. I was backing up her new car to leave my parking space. As I got into the open area, a car decided to back up where I was. There was not a lot of time to decide what to do. I reversed more quickly and BANG! hit a 6" round post. There was very little damage, but these days any damage seems to be worth several hundreds of dollars to repair. I was berated by my wife for not being aware of my surroundings or for not using the horn to alert the other driver to my presence- either option would have been better than my action of continuing to backup to where I could not see well. Of course I feelt terrible for damaging her car, but she said I did it on purpose. I can overlook that comment knowing how angry she was. She did not want to listen to why

Upon return to our town, I obtained one repair estimate. The next day I also got one estimate. I was doing this when I could take time off from my job. These estimates take 30-45 minutes each. I had agreed to get three estimates. I got the last one today. My wife was angry that I did not keep my word to get three estimates right away. My wife is currently angry at me for not making the repair of her car my highest priority, even above my job. She said I lied about getting the three estimates and attributed my slow pace to wanting to make her angry. Her comment that i did not make her my priority gave me insight as to why she was so angry. She was hurt that I did not value her above my job. So, whatever good positive feelings I had of course are gone. The depression, anxiety, and my self worth have me so low.Am I really the evil person she sees? One of my things I have been told by her is that I attribute blame to others and do not take responsibility. I don't care about family and friends. I can see her rationale beyond my excuses, as I have been reducing social interactions and try not to show my emotions to anyone. I feel that is from the depression/anxiety.

So- I cannot change her behavior, but I can change my behavior. But I refuse to adjust or change the way I respond to her concerns about my behavior. Deep inside I know that I do not deserve her level of anger, but have been trying to see her point of view with some success. And why don't I modify my behaviors that upset her?

I also look for the triggers that set off my bad feelings and behaviors. I think it is that yes, I know WHAT need to be changed, but not the HOW. It looks like I need a "job" coach!

Smile & laugh when you can. It helps you keep bright inside!

[Clarebear86 in reply to yoyo143]

Again I can see similarities in what you are describing in my own situation. It is somewhat reassuring and comforting to know someone else is experiencing similar situations. I’ve been told that when you struggle with your mental health small things can be magnified and made to seem much worse then they are. Yes your wife is angry, but is she really as angry as you think, if the situation was reversed how would you feel? How would you have reacted? These are things we have to ask ourselves, while also addressing reality. Which as I know is extremely exhausting.

[susand6463 in reply to Clarebear86]

For me, it is my mom who doesn't believe I am disabled. I hate to answer my phone when it is her. She whines about Walgreens Pharmacy, always thinks problems with her meds is their fault rather than her doctor's lack of giving her refills. I have to hear the same crap every day, she repeats her negativity constantly. I just listen since she has no interest in hearing me talk.

Yeah, I was happy before the panic attacks and resulting agoraphobia set in. I wish someone gave a shit who could help me, as I have no hope of getting better.

[Agora1 in reply to susand6463]

We care on this forum susand6463. Welcome to the Anxiety & Depression Support Group. It's unfortunate that you have negativity pumped into you on a daily basis. It may be helping your mom to vent but certainly not helping you.

Is that what started the panic attacks? When anxiety gets to the point of consuming every waking moment of your day, that is when you become vulnerable to agoraphobia setting in. I should know since Agoraphobia kept me in my home for 5 years.

It's difficult when you have no support around you and feel as if no cares or gives a hoot whether you live or die. Listening to people putting you down or having some just walk out of your life all because they can't understand what you are going through.

You need to leave your panic attacks behind you. Reading a book by Dr. Claire Weekes will explain how something as simple as Accepting Anxiety can allow you to heal and become anxiety free. Medication and therapy are sometimes used at the beginning of an anxiety disorder, but that is only a temporary measure. Learning to not fear anxiety or panic is the only way it will leave you alone. Learning and retraining your brain not to focus on negative thoughts, not to let things people say bother you because after all we cannot control others feelings. We can only control our own and how we react to another's negative comments.

Looking into other modalities such as meditation, deep breathing, Yoga, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, massage therapy, CBT, and on and on. There are multiple methods to use in gaining back control of our lives.

I hope you will continue using the forum and interacting as you will see you are not alone. We share our lives journey and in that we learn more about ourselves. Wishing you well. Wishing you hope and belief that you will get better. xx

[TruthSi72 in reply to yoyo143]

Hi yoyo2566

My name is Simon.

It seems as though your Wife is also suffering from low self-esteem if she requires you to prove her importance to you. This in itself must be stressful because you are constantly being tested and no matter what you say to her she will find a way to prove that you care for her less than something or somebody else.

I wonder where she learnt that?

By your post, I can see that she is looking for confirmation of this by taking your words literally with no moving room whatsoever; so even though within a few days you have done what you initially said, because you didn't do it within the time that she perceived as being what you needed to do to show her that you loved and cared for her, which was get everything done on the first day back, she took that as being proof that you care less about her than other things in your life.

With regards to your wife, I would suggest that you do two things; I can only suggest here, I don't really like giving advice, In my job (I'm a life-designer/coach) I try to ask more questions rather than make suggestions so that the individual makes the discovery about what it might be best to do but...

If your wife is having issues regarding how much she believes you love her or care about her are there other ways that you could show her how much you care so that she softens slightly in her opinion of that?

Could you have a conversation with her where you could tell her how much she means to you?

Could you do something random like bake something for her or take her somewhere new and romantic? Anything that takes a bit of effort?

Could you let your romantic side out and write her some love letters.

It's possibly a good idea to make whatever it is you come up with a new series of habits that you do to surprise your wife once a week or something.

With regards to your anxiety and depression...it sounds as if you're dealing with the symptoms but not the cause. I'm sure you have probably been to a counsellor and therapy so I won't suggest this to you again...I wonder is your "condition" general or is it a clinical illness? In the sense that you have a severe mental illness?

You see, I have been through depression and anxiety issues myself and I have also worked a lot with people who have these general challenges and it has always been the same story, they get put on to some sort of pill that helps to reduce the effects of the depression or anxiety rather than dealing with the issue that lies behind the condition or the actual method by which the mind makes the condition actual...if the makes sense.

You see, anxiety and depression, unless you have a chemical or neurological illness, is a creation of the subconscious mind, they are learned reactions to certain situations or emotions that we create a story around that leads us to react in the way that we do because our minds think that is the right thing to do, our minds conclude that this is the right way to feel because this is what has worked previously to keep us safe, either physically or psychologically/emotionally, but our minds aren't always right...it's why some people find it hard to remove themselves from an abusive relationship...the abuse becomes the normal, the safety zone and our brains begin to see anything outside of that "zone" as being the unknown and the unsafe...it's why you hear theings like, "I know he/she treats me like crap but I love her/him, I couldn't leave him/her"

So this statement tells us two things: One is that the person believes this is just how things are and that it can't be changed and...Two, that this abuse (whatever level it is for this person) is wrong but that it has become the norm and that they must put up with it to be in a relationship that contains love and that being without that person is scarier and harder than being in a relationship where they are being treated with disrespect, because it has become the norm, it has become habit and therefore the safety zone.

So, my point is that your mind is trying to tell you something, not necessarily about your relationship but rather about something within you that you need to resolve. It is telling you this through your anxiety and depression.

What could it be? Honestly, it could be anything, only you know the answer and it may not even be outwardly apparent to you...it might be as simple as changing the submodalities of your anxiety or depression...again, we experience something and it becomes the norm for us because our subconscious learns to play out a narrative for us in a certain way...but if we go and change that narrative...that story...change the submodalities then we change the outcome, the anxiety no longer exists because the story is different...I hope this makes sense to you.

Anyway...I hope this helps in some way.

Feel free to DM me if you would like to talk further.

All the best.

Si