Am I Afraid to Love? And should I be?

[Rudolph26]

Am I afraid to love? To allow someone in?

To enter my heart and risk being in pain once again?

Is that why I reject those I fear love me the most?

Am I too afraid to believe it is not just another hoax?

I feel my heart beating, aching to let him in.

Yet, I stay frozen.

Conflicted with my emotions yet again.

What is this warmth that feels so foreign to my soul?

Why do my hands shake as his gently lets go?

What are these rippling waves which now blur my line of sight?

Why do I feel in so much pain when I lay alone at night?

Will he say goodbye if I’m afraid to take a chance?

Can he truly blame me for not wanting to give in to another romance?

All I had to offer, did I not already give?

What could I possibly have left?

Could anymore ever be his?

I’ve been used and abused;

Yet, I don’t think of my life as a sad tale.

This being said, I don’t feel I have much to offer as well.

Why do his eyes glisten when he stares at me?

Why does he even bother talking to me?

What does he see? What does he feel?

Surely, he knows that his feelings for me will one day also fail.

I’m just a fleeting beauty.

Both in looks and attributes.

One day, he too will find me boring

Or another women who will be of more use.

Yet, it’s been years and his actions haven’t changed.

His pledge of love remains sacred not altered, despite my rebuff.

Could it be that he truly is a man in love?

Why didn’t I see it sooner?

Am I truly so blind?

Was I wrong for rejecting him all of this time?

Why do I still feel scared of giving in or letting go?

What does he see in me?

Will I ever know?

Is love something which captures one without a fight?

Is love whimsical and careless, lacking stage fright?

Does love come softly and touch in a gentle way?

Can love truly wash away all this pain?

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever love again?

I’m just not sure…Perhaps I’m just not ready to say I can.

So, until I’m ready, I fear alone I will stand.

[MzK123]

This sounds like my life.... every word describes my fear. I love him, and have for many years but I've always been afraid to let him in...... always push him away. Sometimes I believe he cares - why else would you put up with me after all these years. But sometimes I wonder if it's all just a long game being played. Should I take the risk????

[Rudolph26 in reply to MzK123]

I ask myself this every time I consider being with someone and often contemplate if my hesitation is out of fear of being loved or if it’s because something just doesn’t feel right. Both feelings make my stomach flop and my gut sink. However, I did realize something. I am always willing to take the risk if I feel it might be productive to us both. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terrified to love and be loved but I do find it worth the risk if it hs the potential of growth.

This is my advice, if you have known the person for a while and feel this way. You should talk to him about it. If anything, it will give you both clarity as to where you stand with each other, and that can benefit both of you.

Thanks for saying what you did btw. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels like this. But you know, we both will be okay and I think we can push past this fear.

[MzK123 in reply to Rudolph26]

We've known each other for over 20 years, since we were teenagers. Tried twice to have an actual relationship but I let the opinion of others get in the way of that. I'm also very afraid to share my feelings.... with anyone for that matter. I think that since he's still there for me even after all I've put him through then at least something has to be worth it, right?

[Rudolph26 in reply to MzK123]

I would go for it. He has been a friend for that long I think it will be okay, even if he doesn’t feel the same. And if he does, well, this could be a very good thing

[LoveBear]

So sorry to hear what you’re going through

[Rudolph26 in reply to LoveBear]

Thanks. And it’s okay. I just fear being loved and question people’s motives when they confess to me. I think one day I won’t fear it as much, but I’m sure a lot of healing has to take place before I fully accept it.