Should I go to GP

[Simonn]

I have never really posted on a forum about this but felt I needed to. I am a little all over the place at the moment and need some advice so apologies if my post is disjointed.

I have suffered with depression and anxiety most of my adult life, currently in my 40’s, I had some CBT in my 20’s which was ok but I couldn’t say that it really cured me. I have been on and off medication for years, currently off about 2 to 3 months and I am really struggling, I am teary all the time, constant negative thoughts and emotions and I don’t know what to do. I so wanted to finally come of the tablets and to beat this once and for all on my own, I wanted to ride it out so whatever part of my brain that isn’t producing he right chemicals would fire up. I didn’t want to go back on the tablets as I worry that they numb me so I don’t feel any thing but I know I can’t go on like this.

I have a wife who is struggling herself with postnatal depression even though she is strong and I can talk how I feel I am conscious of putting too much on her. We have two amazing sons, one a little sensitive (as I am) and I worry my problem will rub off and affect him I don’t want that for him in his life.

I am working, though my workload is infrequent and I dwell on my feelings and thoughts spiral into what ifs. I work with allot of younger cleverer people who I am constantly comparing myself to, negatively of course. I am so lucky I have never had any trauma or abuse like some of the people posting here. I have hardworking parents who I know love me but I guess are not the touchy-feely-type. Nothing should cause me to feel this way so I struggle as to why I do.

Sorry if this is a bit long and garbled I just wanted to reach out. I am thinking of phoning my GP’s for an appointment I wish I didn’t have to.

I am working, though my workload is infrequent and I dwell on my feelings and thoughts spiral into what ifs. I work with allot of younger cleverer people who I am constantly comparing myself to, negatively of course. I am so lucky I have never had any trauma or abuse like some of the people posting here. I have hardworking parents who I know love me but I guess are not the touchy-feely-type. Nothing should cause me to feel this way so I struggle as to why I do.

[Simonn]

Does life get any better or is this it cause I'm not sure its worth it

[Hidden]

I’ve been on tons of antidepressants and anxiety meds throughout my young teenage years. I always felt better off of them, besides the occasional Xanax here and there.

Unfortunately there’s no magic cure. It’s a constant battle. The best advice I can give is to find things like uplifting music, doing things like being outdoors and meditating. Spending time with the people you care about most. Possibly enjoying time with a pet. I’ve also found going for daily walks helps (I can’t at the moment due to yet another surgery I’m recovering from, but man do I notice a difference when I take time to do things like that for myself.) Don’t be afraid to indulge in things you enjoy and pamper yourself. Maybe you and your wife can take a day to relax together.

It’s not easy dealing with mental hardships. I’ve been dealing with it my whole life. There doesn’t have to be a direct cause for you to feel this way so don’t beat yourself up for “not having a reason” to feel the way you do.

Allow yourself to feel those feelings. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. I know it’s hard. But, after, try to pick yourself back up. Try to think of things you’re proud of yourself for. Things like having a loving wife and family of your own. You managed to get through all of this with how you’re feeling.

I hope you find things you can enjoy and I hope you can push through. I’m here if you need someone to talk to.

[Simonn in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words

[Hidden in reply to Simonn]

You’re welcome. I’m here to talk if you need me.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I want to tell you I am also very sensitive as is my son. I consider that such a positive quality so if that is how he is don’t worry too much. I would much rather my son be caring and sensitive than cold and uncaring. As a woman I know that the minute I hear I need you I go into mother lion mode! Even when I can’t handle myself. Don’t sell her short. Not that you did but woman like helping people and are way stronger than given credit for! Most of them. Marriage is a partnership. If you lean on her she can lean on you and it will balance itself out. I would hate to think my family was hurting and I couldn’t help them! That pain would be much worse! My husband is the exact opposite. Very bold, tough guy crap. With me being so sensitive as well as my son it makes things very hard. He was raised with this tough love mentality with very little affection. My son and I are the exact opposite. I encourage my son to be sensitive and my husband comes across as uncaring at times unemotional cold and even mean. Be happy that you do love and care. It is such a positive attribute to many woman. I’m sure it makes your wife feel loved. As far as your Post being long or disjointed, story of my life. My focus has gotten horrible. I’ve just learned to recognize it and I’m trying to learn how to fix it or at least cope with it. As far as mental illness there is no magic cure. You just learn to live with it the best you can. It is a disease like any other. Some days are better than others. Your family needs you! Especially your sweet loving children. Just focus on trying to do the best you can with the challenges you have. If you have a broken leg you can’t run a race. It’s the same type thing for your illness. Just do the best you can with your limitations and you can’t do any more than that! It’s impossible. It is definitely worth it though! Your family is worth it. Your wife, your children, your parents. I can’t imagine anything happening to my precious son which is what you are to them! But most importantly and never forget it, YOU ARE WORTH IT! You can’t take care of anyone else if you don’t take care of yourself! Please try to find a therapist. They can allow you to take some of the stress you are worried about off your wife. They can also teach you valuable coping skills along with the many all natural methods of dealing with mental illness to include diet and exercise. It almost sounds like you were taking too high of a dose or strong of a medication. I certainly can’t say. I will say I have tried so many medications. It took me years to find the right combination and dosage of medications. I hope when stopping you are appropriately weaning off the medications. I forgot to add one of mine to my daily pill case and I was off the chart totally and utterly psychotic to the hundredth power! I don’t know that I have felt that bad in my life!!!! It was different than my normal issues. At least normal for me! Yes I suggest an appointment with your doctor! I also strongly suggest a psychiatrist and therapist that are trained to deal with these issues. A regular doctor can only do so much! Trust me! I hope you take advantage of all of the help that is out there! Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, support groups, self help literature and books etc. You deserve and so does your beautiful family. It sounds like you truly love them so much. Best of luck! I’m almost always here if needed! You are not alone but I certainly understand you feeling that way. God bless you!

[Simonn in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Thank you for your reply. I tried saying to my self this morning i have to get through for my boys. I tried calling my doctors yesterday but couldn't get through.

I do beat myself up alot about what i percieve are failings in life, not clever enough don't earn enough etc.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

You are doing the best you can with the illness you have! It’s impossible to do more than your best. As we age the new generation seems more intelligent because the world keeps creating so many new things with technology etc. That has no reflection on you as a person. My son is constantly having to show me things about technology and new advances in the world. I taught him how to pee in a potty! You wife married you! No one else! Don’t sell yourself short. I am educated. I consider myself fairly intelligent but with the illness I have I can’t seem to put two thoughts together. My son calls me random. It’s my reality. I’ve developed coping skills to help me function at the best level I am able. I have been typing this response for close to 30 min. Constantly getting distracted. Then having to reread what I’ve written because I can’t even remember what I was saying or even responding to for that matter. We all have our own things that we do the best. I have lists and glasses everywhere I go because my focus is so bad. I leave some in my car, at my one night a week menial Job because I’m not able to do more. I’m constantly losing or forgetting my glasses. To cope I have some all over the place. I literally bought like ten pair at least! I have notepads everywhere. As soon as you I hear something I write it down. I just need to remember to read the note but sometimes it’s good. I make pizzas at work for example. They will tell me they need a pizza with pepperoni and sausage. By the time I get the crust, put on the sauce and cheese I have no clue what the toppings are. Everything gets written down. Luckily the others are smarter or more focused and could tell me if not written down. I have certain other duties I have to do as well. I keep a detailed list of every single thing at work and frequently have to check it to make sure I’m doing it. Last night I had my dog but had to go in the store. I was so freaked out that I couldn’t remember if I locked the door and was terrified that someone would steal my dog who is my best friend. I had to get my son to check the locks to make sure I had done it so that when we got in store he could assure me I had locked the doors. I never used to be this way. I worked in the trauma, surgical and cardiac intensive care unit where a tiny mistake could kill someone. I was good at my job. Then I was a substitute teacher. I’m middle and primary school I taught children. Now I can’t even make pizzas right. That’s my reality. I use coping skills to get through. I have adapted to function. Try things like that for your situation. I don’t know what kind of work you do but there are many ways to accommodate your particular limitations caused by your illness. So cut yourself some slack! You are a good man. I know this because you care! “ Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!” That is my mantra most days! Just do YOUR best. Do not compare yourself to others. Everyone of us has our own unique qualities with makes us special. I can’t remember pizza topping. Those younguns have never hand written a letter and mailed it or driven a stick shift and some of them even a car! My 7 year old grandson can make me feel stupid. I get it. Give yourself some slack! Learn coping skills to help you function with limitations you cannot control. I have faith in you. Have faith in yourself! You got this.

[Simonn]

Thank you again you are so kind to take the time to write a reply.

[Simonn]

Doc as started me back on citalipram 10mg its what i was on when i last stopped. My stomach anxiety is not pleasant at the mo hope it gets better. Trying not keep beating myself up and take all the advise