When I go through my worst periods of depression, I can see that one of the causes is constantly comparing myself to other people. Either they are a lot prettier than I am, a lot more stylish, a lot smarter, more courageous, more popular, etc. It just goes on and on. I know I have to stop thinking this way and accept myself for who I am, but lately the thoughts come so automatically that I'm barely aware of them until I feel my stomach sink, start to feel incredibly depressed, and also very anxious. The thoughts are so automatic that I don't know what to do to stop them. I know if I could somehow get this under control I would probably feel a lot better emotionally. I'm really grateful for the support everyone on this forum has given me in the past and I'm just wondering if anyone has had the same problem . If so, what did you do to overcome it?
Comparing yourself to others - Anxiety and Depre...
Comparing yourself to others
Hi Expo123 what has worked for me is practicing my breathing when I am notunder stress...the minute a negative thought should come along, automatically I
go into my belly breathing and long slow exhale. Shoulders immediately pull away
from my ears, sinking feeling in stomach stops and relief takes over. This all happens
within moments.
Retraining our brain is important in order to rid ourselves of the habit we have
developed. Practice makes perfect. 
xx
Thank you Agora1. I've been trying to work on my breathing already so I'll see if I can put it into practice when I have negative thoughts. ❤️
Try consciously putting a realistic thought after your negative ones. Such as 'I am only seeing what they want me to see and they must have things in their life they don't like because we all do'. Because they do trust me.
The 2nd thing which I find helpful is to again consciously put a positive thought after the negative one such as 'they don't have trouble getting up in the morning so why do I' for example. Follow it with well done for getting up at all feeling so lousy. Both these examples will become automatic after a while and will help to lift your mood.
Thanks so much for your reply hypercat54. You're so right that people only show you what they want you to see. I guess we all do that to some extent. I really like your suggestion about putting a positive thought after a negative one. I will definitely try that.
Have you heard of Olivia Rodrigo’s new song, “Jealousy, Jealousy”? Singing the lyrics that I relate to helps me give a little more grace to myself for having this problem too.
“Co-comparison is killin' me slowly
I think, I think too much
'Bout kids who don't know me
And I'm so sick of myself
I'd rather be, rather be (oh, oh)
Anyone, anyone else (anybody else)
Jealousy, jealousy” youtu.be/Z-9gQjUZMm0
I get into a cycle. I feel bad about myself. I feel jealous of other people. I give up*. Then, I get sick of hating myself and I get angry about how hard it is to love myself. And, at that point, I can usually make positive change. It’s like... instead of being sad and defeated, I have to get angry enough to fight for myself and believe in better.
My thoughts are automatically the worst case scenario, super judgey, and just plain mean to myself. My parents actually told me yesterday that I need to be more positive and make more effort to be so. I am currently in the “give up stage” but... we’re working on it. I actually have been going to the doctor for stomach pain that might be just stress! I relate!
Anyways, I’d recommend writing a “love letter” to yourself. Get that colorful favorite pen! I haven’t done one in awhile... but it’s a challenge to write things about yourself that you’re thankful for, proud of, or have seen / can see growth in. Your relationship with you matters! You deserve you! She would love a kind nod in the mirror, taking her out to a favorite coffee shop date, or getting a round of applause for any accomplishment like studying. I know you can’t see her the ways others do - other people have looked at you or lived around you and have had similar moments of envy or admiration.
The challenge is changing hopelessness... replacing “I am” with “I do”.
It’s an identity crisis of how we view ourselves in a distorted way, that takes all the breath out of our lungs, makes us feel sick and defeated, because we are the problem and we can’t not be us. I don’t know if I am making any sense at all; I’m sorry if not.
It’s the, “I am unattractive and I will never be.” “I am stupid and I’ll never be smart.” “I will always be unhappy because I am not strong, talented, funny, charismatic, or tenacious.” “I’ll never like who I am because I am bad.” Before I consciously think, it’s like my brain blurts out, “I hate myself. I should die.” and I feel worse.
Take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to be as you are. If you can tell yourself something like, “I am growing.” “I can learn, change, develop, and improves.” “My life is on a journey and I am an adventurer in the treacherous jungle of self-hatred, but, I will get to the safe and gorgeous plain of self love.”
It’s the hardest thing I have to do. It’s the most difficult, invisible, yet persistently a part of my life disease. I admire the strength of each and every person who has had to deal with it... because I know the pain.
For me, for example, I started with, I appreciate how my legs support my weight and allow me walk to travel because some can’t and I can be thankful for them. I couldn’t look at the mirror and start out with, “DANG, you are so beautiful sister!!” Pick one feature. It could be your elbows. It could be the blood or other cells of your body that are all working together very hard to continue your life... millions of cells cheering you on. Or maybe you have good eyelashes, hair that grows well, or joints that don’t hurt.
Write a self love letter. Do silly small things for you to remind yourself that life is worth enjoying and that you are worth taking care of, believing in, and growing: wear silly socks, write with a purple pen, sing loudly and badly for you, dance around in your room in your favorite outfit for you, or whatever. You’re too interesting and complex to be “normal”... you’re better than that. You’re unique and stand out yet, you belong! You have potential!
You may be unable to see your strengths right now and that’s okay. It’s okay that you’re having a physical reaction to this stress. Your mind controls your body and they work together. You can take steps to take care of your body and mind. You already are doing it.
Imagine Edna Mode from the Incredibles hyping you up and calling you darling. Live in the now. I embrace who I am now, how I am failing to be what I want now, and to be thankful for the perspective of hope for wanting to be better... what an amazing thing, to want to improve! That’s the core that’s buried under the negative feelings - that are important and speaking to be heard.
It’s okay if I don’t like myself right now. I will like the person I am becoming. It’s a process of becoming.
If I am too depressed to make a sandwich, then, I will persist and be proud of myself for eating cheese and Turkey by itself. If I don’t put on makeup, then, I will allow myself to wear a natural look and be proud that I am not hiding. If I can exercise today, then I am going to celebrate 30 minutes of it or 15 or plan on tomorrow. If I have so much anxiety that I spent 3 hours crying yesterday over a normal transition stage of adult life, then, I am glad I cried! Can I think it’s embarrassing? Can I be mad at myself for having such a hard time? Can I become even more disgusted by myself? Yes and! I needed to express my fears. I am allowed to cry and be sad. It’s a part of it. It had to happen so that I can get back up, wash my face, look forward to the future, and focus on what I can do... not what I can feel.
If no one reads this, I don’t blame you 😂. I write too much. This stuff is overwhelming. It’s hard. It’s in part changing your perspective and changing your behavior.
- Try an meditation app (I liked Calm, but some like Headspace)
- Try saying your thoughts about people... give them compliments! Turn negative thought into a positive gift you can give them.
- Try volunteering, if you can. I’m going to try volunteering next week. It’s going to help take my mind off of me and I’ll be able to see myself helping others. That’s an external positive image of other people and myself. I need other people and they need me.
I am not the expert. I don’t know how to achieve concrete consistent calmness or confidence. Please let us know about how it’s going for you.
What have you tried? Has anything felt like a step taken? I wish you the best!!!
PastelPink 20, I can't tell you how much your message moved me. I cried when I read your words (and I read every one of them).🙂 Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. I know Olivia Rodrigo from "Drivers License" but didn't know that song. You really taught me a lot with your suggestions. I think I'm actually going to try writing the love letter to myself. I'm even going to print out your reply so I can read it back and remind myself of the things you said. What kind of volunteer work are you planning to do? I've actually been researching different types of volunteer options where I live but haven't clicked with anything yet. I agree with you though that it's a great way to get out of our heads a bit, help other people, and at the same time lift our self-esteem. Right now I am picking up some groceries for an elderly couple that I know. It means a lot to them and it makes me happy that I can do something positive for someone else. I've heard about Head Space. Right now I am trying to learn about meditation. I found a place online called the Radical Compassion Institute. If you go to the menu on that site and click on "courses", you will see that they offer a free 40-day meditation class (the course is offered by a woman named Tara Brach). Each class is short, around 10 minutes each. I have done a few and am impressed by the quality of instruction, considering they are free. I'm trying to learn how to calm my mind and thought that it might be a good thing to try. Maybe you can check it out and see if it's something that could help you too. Thank you again for your message. It's obvious that you are a very special, kind-hearted person. Keep doing all the things you're doing and be proud of everything you've accomplished so far. You are wonderful. ❤️
The Ten Commandments actually covers this when it says not to covert thy neighbours stuff ? There is no point in comparing because you go into a dark place and you suffer - accepting is a better way to deal with it , it might seem difficult or strange at first but try - accept that various people seem luckier than you atm it will help you if you adopt this attitude ,
Thanks for your reply. I've been trying to do that but it's really heard. I will definitely keep on trying though.
Hi. I'm reading a book right now that says to think back to your childhood of when you first felt "less" than someone else and correct the story through adult eyes. It may take some effort to remember, yet the book encourages you to write your own narrative in that instance. It is kind of an interesting concept. The new narrative may help guide your current thinking about yourself. I hope this helps you. I'm working on it now myself.
I coincidentally read this morning that it’s your inner critic. What that means is you are perfect as you are. Forgive yourself. Meditation is a good way to start doing this. Whether you do yoga, do old fashioned breathing, mindful eating or pranayama breathing, the idea is always to use the breath to bring you back to center. Then you are focusing on kindness not jealousy.
Thanks for your reply Blueruth. My doctor told me I have an extremely harsh inner critic and wants me to try and figure out what the reason is for that. Not easy to figure it out and I'm struggling with that right now. Breathing does seem to help. I really appreciate your suggestions.
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