Nonexistent self-esteem

[snowglobe7]

I've been struggling with poor self-esteem / self-loathing my whole life, and I've only recently become aware of how thoroughly it affects my life. I'm looking for perspectives or stories from anyone who's dealt with something similar and how you've coped, as I've always felt very alone with it.

I grew up with emotionally-neglectful parents that routinely criticized and mocked me. Looking back on it, the things they've done are almost cartoonishly villainous -- telling me that nobody will pay attention to me if I'm not beautiful, rolling their eyes when I asked for help (even as a small child), that I was dumb to think that boy will want to be with me, screaming at me for the way a shirt looked on me, telling me that if I was prettier I wouldn't have gotten that parking ticket. Essentially, any time I tried to feel happy and feel out my place under the sun, it was taken away from me.

The effects have been profound all the way into adulthood. I basically walk around the world assuming everyone hates me; that I am a constant walking embarrassment; that nothing is worth trying; that nobody will ever love me; that I will experience nothing but sadness and failure and solitude. I am terrified that everyone will treat me just like my parents did and I will deserve it because I am just that repulsive and shameful, and I can't accurately read when people do in fact like me, which makes me turn away from friendships. I feel scared and angry out in the world, and crying from the frustration and loneliness has become an everyday thing.

If anyone else has had to struggle with anything similar, I'd love to know: how have you coped with it? Has anything helped chip away at that feeling? Have you been able to "reparent" yourself and teach yourself that you have worth?

[Roxylox]

i would never have gotten much praise and was made.to feel different. I practice positive affirmations . I find they really give me a boost.

l really sympathise with your plight. My experience is only a snall fraction of yours. I can tell you are a sincere person from your writing. You deserve to believe in yourself.

[just_keep_swimming]

what has helped me is positive affirmation and meditation when I get anxious .

[Toddzen]

I also have struggled with those feelings. I grew up with a depressed, neglectful Mother. My life story has been very painful. I find relief going to NAMI support groups on Zoom. I practice Zen Buddhism. I recently did 10 sessions of Ketamine with a Doctor. It helped me want to keep living. I experienced beautiful Spiritual Visions on Ketamine.

[snowglobe7 in reply to Toddzen]

I am so sorry that you also had to be a victim of a parent that didn't have themselves straightened out. It's not a burden that should have been passed to you. That's great to hear that you found some support in the groups, I was browsing those too. Are there any that you recommend specifically? Since they're virtual, I assume they aren't location-specific. Buddhism is a really great practice for anxiety and depression and so many other ailments; I've read a bit on the subject, mostly from an academic perspective, although my own practice still needs substantial work, haha. Rooting for you.

[Hidden in reply to Toddzen]

I'm glad your Ketamine sessions are working. I spent the last couple of years doing research on this treatment, as well as other treatments available. Unfortunately at this time it is prohibitively expensive for me. My neighbors wife had the same treatment. I believe she had six sessions and it has completely transformed her. She suffers from depression and also had an accident while teaching children how to ride horseback. Her head injury combined with her depression took her to a very dark place. I'm glad when I read stories like yours because I know that there are treatments available that actually do work. Thanks for sharing your story

[Barnie12]

your history is also my story. I still feel unworthy and am 66. I've been seeing a therapist for 12 years but am only comfortableb beingalone. I wish I had a better answer but it is all ingrained from childhood.

[snowglobe7 in reply to Barnie12]

Thank you very much for replying and the sympathies, it helps a lot to know that my story isn't the only one like it (as much as I wish nobody else had to go through it!). I'm so sorry that it's been so hard for you for so long. Childhood experiences really do get entrenched and color ever aspect of our lives. Do your fears ease up when you're around one or two close trustworthy people, or is it uncomfortable with anyone? Do you have any memories when you did feel comfortable and worthy? Sometimes it helps me to try to remember those times, at least to know that I'm not permanently broken and my brain knows how to "be OK" even if it can't always access it.

[Taylormidnights]

hey I have message me I'll help u

[Scarlett28]

I can totally relate. I continue to walk everyday with music and try meditation, positive affirmations, eating healthy, supplements, self help audiobooks, but nothing sticks. I wish I had a success story to tell you. I appreciate your post and look forward to reading others responses in hopes I can gain something too. I am always looking for someone to chat with that feels like me.

[snowglobe7 in reply to Scarlett28]

You are doing so many right things. Healthy eating and exercise and all that is absolutely not going to waste. But I know the feeling of nothing sticking. It's all the more frustrating when people tell you that this thing will fix you, but then it doesn't resonate or change anything at all -- and then you feel even worse for just being "broken". I hope you keep looking... all our pain is so unique and I suspect there is just something specific that your pain specifically needs to hear to be comforted and it just hasn't heard it yet. I hope you hear it soon. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about anything.

[Hidden]

Hello, I think the important thing is that you're trying to get help and trying to understand how, and why, this is happening. One of the biggest tragedies in the world is the ill treatment of our children. Many people don't realize the damage that words can cause. Pain is not only caused by physical contact, it's also caused by words. Sometimes the words are worse then the smack.

the only words of inspiration, and/or, advice I can offer is to continue to reach out for help. Help comes in many forms, friends, therapists, general doctors etc. Even communities such as this one can be a great resource to help guide your way. .

As an older person who has given up on himself and has fallen into a much darker and deeper emotional pit than ever before, I can certainly offer you one very big piece of advice...... Whatever your struggles, whatever your obstacles and whomever gets in your way, never give up on yourself. Remind yourself that what has happened to you does not define who you are. Don't let your emotional balloon lose its helium, because once you do, it is extremely difficult to fill back up.

[snowglobe7 in reply to Hidden]

Very eloquent and thoughtful answer, thank you. Balloon felt more buoyed after reading it. Yeah, the old adage "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me" really rings false when talking about these things. Words can "break" more efficiently than anything sometimes.

[designguy]

I grew up in an emotionally repressive, physically and emotionally abusive household with lots os shaming and emotional neglect. I found CEN (childhood emotional neglect) and the work and books by Dr. Jonice Webb to be very helpful for helping me understand my past and my story. You might also check out her youtube videos.