I’m sinking (or have sunk) and looking for support

[ToriJ]

Hi. It’s my first time posting here but I have been visiting this site a long time now. Some of the messages I read have really helped me personally in the past, however I have now hit rock bottom.

I suffer with depression, have done I think from a teenager but didn’t know it, I’m now 45!

The last time I felt this low was around 11 years ago, to the point where I wasn’t really functioning and I’m at that point again.

The trigger for this now is suddenly and tragically finding my 4 year old cat had died during the night 9 days ago, he was my favourite, my shadow, my buddy. I don’t feel ashamed for being so devastated about this as I am a complete animal lover, I prefer them to humans! and I know I’m grieving but I’m getting worse. I’ve completely lost my way and I’m just not coping and feel constantly guilty.

The intense missing him is unbearable and I just don’t know how to think or to help myself. I mean I’m a grown adult, I have 2 kids 10 & 15, I have responsibilities but it’s all going wrong. I feel sorry for my kids having to put up with me.

I know a lot of people won’t understand as in their eyes ‘it’s just an animal’ but I don’t and will never feel that way. I’ve had losses in life, recent ones being my father in law passed away in July this year, and my 18 year old cat passed away in August, but this has hit me a lot harder and I feel guilty for living, especially as I don’t particularly want to right now.

It’s been half term this week and I haven’t done anything with my kids as I’m finding it hard to move off the sofa. I wake up every morning with what feels like a pit of despair in my stomach, a heavy weight in my head and just want to cry and give up.

I’m not moving forward and I dread the future, especially Christmas.

I’m already on fluoxetine, have been for years and I’ve upped my dose to 60mg recently. I don’t want to go to the doctors as they’ve always been useless and I don’t feel it’s more medication I need.

I wish I could stop thinking, train my brain differently, I don’t know. My husband is still grieving for his Dad but I see him cope wonderfully, getting on with life and accepting what life has thrown at him and yet I’ve just crumbled and can’t accept what has happened.

I hope you don’t all think this sounds silly, if you do just ignore me and I’m sorry this is so long but I’m desperate.

Vicky x

[Hidden]

Hi I am sorry you are going through such a bad time.

I totally get it about your cat. My sister had a dog - a beautiful dog who was a cross between a black lab and border collie. She looked just like a small black lab but had the collie behaviour ie ball obsession, barking etc. She was a fantastic dog and so happy and affectionate.

Because my sister is disabled I walked her every day and I worshipped the bones of her. Then around 6 months ago without any warning she just dropped dead in front of my sister. No warning nothing. She just gave a gasp then that was it. Gone. She was 7. My sister and I are still gutted and still asking why? How? It is something we will never understand or come to terms with. We still keep thinking we should have known something was wrong, was it our fault? Could she have been saved if we had been more vigilant? We questioned everything we did with her. But as the vet said this is fruitless and we mustn't blame ourselves. You mustn't either as it wasn't your fault - sometimes it's just one of those things we will never have an answer to.

But it does get easier over time. Now there are days when I only think about her once or twice instead of constantly. You will never know why your beloved cat went so suddenly and so young so all you can do is accept that.

Like you I have lost old animals and whilst this is still awful the sudden, unexpected loss is much worse I think.

Look at it this way. Your cat had a wonderful life even though it was so short and she knew she was loved very much. It would have been worse for her to have been very ill and be in pain wouldn't it? It would have been very sudden so she had no pain on going. She would have died in her sleep which is the way we all hope to go. I believe in Rainbow Bridge and that one day we are all reunited with our beloved pets. xx

[ToriJ in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much lilaclil for your kind reply and I’m very sorry to hear about your sister’s dog, how awful for you both, she sounded a real character.

Yes I am glad he didn’t have a long painful illness and didn’t suffer, it’s just the shock is so hard and I’m spiralling lower and lower it feels.

Thank you once again. X

[mysmugcat]

Not silly at all. I lost my beloved Persian cat, it was my first pet funnily enough, not funny in that I was heartbroken. I phoned a great pet bereavement helpline, this in the UK. Eventually I have a tabby cat, fate, got through work. I too struggle with my anti depressant dosage, sertraline. I have a new free psychotherapist who seems better than some. Pm anytime. Hope things improve.

[Justswimming]

You can change your medication.. Fluxotine might not cut it anymore.. I'm sorry about the cat..Xmas is always a pain because your supposed to be so friggin cheerful all.the time and sometimes you are dealing with death and job loss and its a holly jolly nightmare...take a walk first thing in morning to get sunlight and a little endorphins from exercising....I have a cat and dog. You will feel better little by little if you can see a therapist.. I can't afford one so I vent on this site

[ToriJ]

Thank you smugcat, I’m sorry to hear about your lovely Persian and justswimming thank you for your advice

I have been thinking about going to change my medication, but I just have no faith in them. I just feel like I’m beyond help sometimes and I’m too scared of any side effects anything else may have.

I just feel so bad right now

X

[Ath3na]

this doesn't sound silly at all. I had a dog that I absolutely loved more than anything and when he died I was broken. everyone told me the same, "just an animal," but he wasn't "just" anything.

[Sprinkle1]

Hello, I understand your sorrow, animals - we are animals. I am a lover of animals, I favor cats. I have had many - parting with them Hurts Big time. I had my favorite cremated and he is going in my coffin. I have 2 cats one is 12 a feral I brought with me from Calif. and a 3 yr old someone dumped on my deck as a kitten. I adore her. You Must Not feel Guilty, you did nothing wrong. Grief is a natural event and you need to do it for Your sake. I take

fuel (thats what I call my meds) to get my brain sorted out, it has given me trouble All my life with breaks in between. I take my antidep. with thanks. But my brain plays games. I was on Prozac and functioning for 10 years. Built up a tolerance, so on to Zoloft, same thing happened. Now I am in a bad depression with killer anxiety, and am taking 6 meds a day. I am 75 and a fighter I can do it So can You. Be patient with yourself, talk to your Dr. or a therapist. From the sound of your letter you are definitely you are depressed. You Need help, I know the thoughts of not wanting to take pills I have that fight, but I also want to feel whole so I will do what it takes. Do you have a close relative or friend you can talk with? What about a therapist who works with grief.

I am glad your husband seems to cope, but you must Not compare your self to him

Talk to your children, explain you are grieving and feeling very low. Talk to you Dr. he/she can help.

You have my sympathy, be good to yourself, no calling yourself names, no blaming yourself , no guilt allowed, You are a good person, lovable and human. I send you Big Hugs and Love.

Sprinkle 1 I also send you peace.

[ToriJ in reply to Sprinkle1]

Thank you so much for your replies.

Sprinkle1 - your message really did comfort me. I’m sorry I took so long to reply but I’ve been in a bad way.

I’m sorry you are suffering too, the worst thing is no one can understand unless you have it.

Like you said, I think I’ve built up a tolerance to my meds, I’ve been on them for so long they just make no difference anymore. I plan to make an appointment next week with my doc, guess it’s worth a try.

I try not to compare myself to my husband, but I know he doesn’t understand why I am so devastated. Recently I’ve had tiny glimmers of hope, then I suddenly seem to get smacked back down twice as hard.

Thank you once again for your wise, comforting words. I can tell you are a very compassionate caring person and your words mean a lot to me.

I send big hugs back to you.

Vicky x

[Sprinkle1 in reply to ToriJ]

What a nice surprise to hear from you. Sounds like you are getting a little strength. Remember with our illness especially when we are in the deep end, it is often 2 steps forward and 3 back, and you wonder what is going on. Be patient with yourself, be kind and loving with yourself as you probably are with your children, you need love and care, especially right now. I hope you do see your Dr. and discuss your feelings and see what might be a better source for you, there could be some side effects but they usually do not last long. Yes I am in a bad one, my Dr. added a 6th Med. last week (hate to take pills - but I want to get well - so to heck with it. Back to comparisons, I learnt in therapy comparisons are deadly. Tell your husband you love him, but you want him to understand we all grieve in our own way, and there is no time limit on grief. Yes I am a caring person, I feel other peoples pain and want to help them heal. Just as I want you to. You might consider talking to a therapist who deals in grief and loss, or get a book from the library. Be good and kind to you, the rest will come later. I send you love & big Hugs. Sprinkle 1.

[one-love]

I know your pain I have my good days and my bad days a lot of my anxiety attacks I thought were heart attacks in the beginning because of the physical symptoms I was always having (heart pounding, dizzy, impending doom feeling, breathing difficulty) but after years of having them and talking to doctors and therapists I realize now when I have them they are just anxiety attacks but they can be very scary for sure if you don't know what it is in the beginning. I hate taking RX meds too so it's a double edge sword, I feel like I trade one problem for another when I take the pills the doctors give me and all the side effects that come with them. To be honest I have been using medical marijuana for the last few years and I feel it really helps me and doesn't have near as many bad side effects. I know it might sound crazy but look into it and try a sativa strain it really helps with mood, anxiety and depression. But use a low does if you never tried it before

[gogogirl]

This is not silly at all, and I too am an intense animal lover and vegan. Sorry for your loss.

[ToriJ]

I just wanted to say thank you all for your replies. Sorry it’s a bit late but I really appreciate all your comments. They help a great deal.