Hi. It’s my first time posting here but I have been visiting this site a long time now. Some of the messages I read have really helped me personally in the past, however I have now hit rock bottom.
I suffer with depression, have done I think from a teenager but didn’t know it, I’m now 45!
The last time I felt this low was around 11 years ago, to the point where I wasn’t really functioning and I’m at that point again.
The trigger for this now is suddenly and tragically finding my 4 year old cat had died during the night 9 days ago, he was my favourite, my shadow, my buddy. I don’t feel ashamed for being so devastated about this as I am a complete animal lover, I prefer them to humans! and I know I’m grieving but I’m getting worse. I’ve completely lost my way and I’m just not coping and feel constantly guilty.
The intense missing him is unbearable and I just don’t know how to think or to help myself. I mean I’m a grown adult, I have 2 kids 10 & 15, I have responsibilities but it’s all going wrong. I feel sorry for my kids having to put up with me.
I know a lot of people won’t understand as in their eyes ‘it’s just an animal’ but I don’t and will never feel that way. I’ve had losses in life, recent ones being my father in law passed away in July this year, and my 18 year old cat passed away in August, but this has hit me a lot harder and I feel guilty for living, especially as I don’t particularly want to right now.
It’s been half term this week and I haven’t done anything with my kids as I’m finding it hard to move off the sofa. I wake up every morning with what feels like a pit of despair in my stomach, a heavy weight in my head and just want to cry and give up.
I’m not moving forward and I dread the future, especially Christmas.
I’m already on fluoxetine, have been for years and I’ve upped my dose to 60mg recently. I don’t want to go to the doctors as they’ve always been useless and I don’t feel it’s more medication I need.
I wish I could stop thinking, train my brain differently, I don’t know. My husband is still grieving for his Dad but I see him cope wonderfully, getting on with life and accepting what life has thrown at him and yet I’ve just crumbled and can’t accept what has happened.
I hope you don’t all think this sounds silly, if you do just ignore me and I’m sorry this is so long but I’m desperate.