And the down hill roller coaster has begun

[Loki1018]

So I was good for the last 2 days and including most of the day today and once I got out from work at 4pm I didn't get home till 6 I began to feel agitation set in. I showered and went directly into my bed and my appetite is gone. My bf adds to the agitation at times too and sometimes not. When I feel like this I just look at him and in my head just picture myself just punching him right in his face because just at the thought 💭 I would feel as though I would feel better. I know it's not right so I then try to think of positive thoughts but I can't because the negativity has a stronger pull. When I don't feel like being bothered or even spoken too I'm called ignorant because I just ignore him and really don't respond it's just because I just want to explode and tell him off on how at times how he makes me feel plus a few other things that would just hurt.

But I don't and I'm not the type of person to bite my tongue 👅 but I've learned from past experiences that being mean and saying awful things are hurtful and doesn't really get you anything. I may feel better at first after I let it out but later on I don't feel proud of myself I feel ugly because once said you can't take it back.

I know that I can be very harsh and pretty much a bitch but that because I keep in a lot of pent up anger and emotions that at times I just explode.

Out communication isn't very good at this point in our relationship we are going on 5 years and trying to repair it but I feel like I'm doing most of the work and not getting much back on his part.

[claire0410]

It's hard to talk to someone you love about what you are going through at times. You know they will never understand unless you could make them feel the way you do. I find myself getting angry and frustrated at my husband at times, but I know that he loves me and is at a loss as what to do when I feel so horrible. There are times that I want to lash out at him (and others) when I feel like they will never understand what this is like, but I try very hard not to.

You are so right about feeling so bad afterwards and wishing you could take the ugly words back. One of my tricks is to say everything I would like to in my head - but not out loud. It usually kind of works! A very wise woman on this site suggested that I get a plastic bat and find a big oak tree and take my frustrations out that way. I don't have a plastic bat or the tree, but I visualize in my head hitting that tree as hard as I can and as long as I need to relieve some of my frustration. Amazingly it works for me! I find myself smiling while I'm visualizing myself doing it and I usually feel better and calmer.

I hope things get better between you and your boyfriend. Five years is a long time to not try and get it back on track. Just remember it can be as hard on those we love as it is for us at times.

[Loki1018 in reply to claire0410]

Claire lol last week I took a hammer to some plates and glass ware at 2 am in the morning and of course I don't say any harsh words anymore that's was a lesson learned from my previous relationship so now I do the same I just curse him out in my head and he knows I do too

[Windy101]

No matter what, hitting someone in the face is only going to make things worse. Anger is understandable, but you can let it out safely without hurting yourself or someone else. Go for a run. Punch some pillows. Scream into some pillows. Call a hotline. But please, don't punch anyone. If someone is treating you badly, then you need to get away from that person, but hitting them isn't going to help a thing.

[Loki1018 in reply to Windy101]

No worries I'm not going punch anyone unless my waters are tested 😉

[Sosa2017]

Hey I know exactly how you feel. I go through the same stuff all the time, especially lately. A lot of times I’m just set off, for no reason. I used to punch my walls as a teenager and have broken my hand from that. I used to yell and throw things, but because my girlfriend is sensitive and has some ptsd I have to stay chill. (And because she doesn’t deserve it of course)

Point is it builds up inside and you just explode. You break down and you can’t figure out how to explain your feelings. I can no longer throw things or punch walls and I don’t play sports anymore, so it just builds.

I’m on edge at work all day, I can’t figure out where this is coming from, I feel you.

[one-love]

I know your pain I have my good days and my bad days a lot of my anxiety attacks I thought were heart attacks in the beginning because of the physical symptoms I was always having (heart pounding, dizzy, impending doom feeling, breathing difficulty) but after years of having them and talking to doctors and therapists I realize now when I have them they are just anxiety attacks but they can be very scary for sure if you don't know what it is in the beginning. I hate taking RX meds too so it's a double edge sword, I feel like I trade one problem for another when I take the pills the doctors give me and all the side effects that come with them. To be honest I have been using medical marijuana for the last few years and I feel it really helps me and doesn't have near as many bad side effects. I know it might sound crazy but look into it and try a sativa strain it really helps with mood, anxiety and depression. But use a low does if you never tried it before

[Loki1018 in reply to one-love]

One love ha I used to smoke ounces of weed back in the day so that suppressed my anxiety but now I'm an adult and made changes I haven't smoked in a very long time also I work in a hospital so don't think they are going to be so accepting to that altering medication but thank you hopefully some time in the near future jobs will be more accepting of that route but that also is a liability when you care for other lives