Emotional roller coaster

[JustHer]

After weeks of figuring it out I finally went to my first session with my first choice therapist. It was a great intro session and she right away said a few things that really struck a nerve. That to me felt like she was the real deal and was doing her job. But she also didn’t do a lot of talking which then made me feel like I had to fill the time up with things I felt were important to tell her, things she needed to know. She doesn’t get my sense of humour. Or maybe she does and sees right through how I mask things with jokes. I noticed every time she made a note, I noticed how her eyes shifted to my fidgety hands, to how this then led to her making a note of that. I almost felt like I could read her mind because every time she made a note I made a point to notice what I’d said and try to piece together what she could’ve been writing. The rest of the day was good, I left her office feeling good. I even went to Walgreens after and picked up some toiletries. I got home and cooked an actual meal and got some work done. And then it all came crashing down. I realized I’d forgotten to check the tracking of a post I’d sent to make sure it got there on time and then the site gave me an error message and told me to try again later. I tried 10 times again right away before deciding to try the next day. I slept at 2am and woke up feeling anxious, like I forgot to do something, and it’s been 90 minutes now of pure procrastination. I’m still in bed and need to be in class in an hour but face I need to wash these tears away.

[MrZee]

Hi JustTumi,

Your first therapy session sounds quite normal to me. Years ago when I first saw my therapist, he took notes and it seemed that I did most of the talking. At the end of the session he was quite compassionate and told me that I’m depressed. That was pretty much my diagnosis. And that was 32 years ago, 1986. Shortly thereafter and to this day I’ve been on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. Though I battle depression and take medication for it, I don’t beat myself up for it either. I also have social anxiety and tend to isolate. I crave human interaction but fear joining group(s) because I think they’ll be “clicky” and that I won’t fit in.

But I just have to accept who I am while I’m grateful for this site and others here that can relate.

By the way, years ago I had a parakeet that looked just like the one in your picture. His name was “Scotty.”

Best,

MZ

[bonkers65 in reply to MrZee]

I also crave human interaction but tend to isolate because I have a fear of rejection

[JustHer]

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I had previously spoken to a university psychiatrist who had diagnosed me with GAD. And that’s how I ended up on the path of looking for help. I think what’s frustrated me is that she had no feedback of diagnosis that led in that direction which is okay. I understand that in order for her to help me in the best way possible she needs to get to know me first. At the end of the session she said that it sounded like something happened to me in my childhood and that my anxiety may stem from that or be totally unrelated to it but that we would focus on trying to figure that out as we move forward together. It touched a nerve to hear her say that. I think I’ve always known I’ve had a rocky childhood but didn’t think that it made that much of an impact so when she said that I was just like wow. But anyway I’m excited to be going through this process. The up and down emotions are just what kinda makes it hard for me to go through the day.

[MrZee in reply to JustHer]

Oh how I know those “ups and downs.”

Growing up I had a monster of a father. In other words he was a nut case. I don’t mean that bitterly. He was just angry all the time and got off on being cruel and insensitive to others. Basically he was pathological.

He’s left quite a lot of emotional scars on me. To let go I have forgiven him for what he did to me. But still the tapes play from when he was being abusive. If life could have been different for me, I wish I had a father that was capable of being a good role model. Perhaps I wouldn’t have as much fear as I do now. But it is what it is. My father is long dead and buried. I will not let his past abuse run my life regardless if I have fears or not.

For many of us when we grow up we have to be our own parents. So there’s this site. This is helping me with being my own loving parent. For that I’m grateful.

Best,

MZ

[JustHer in reply to MrZee]

Wow. I read this earlier but am only able to respond now. The last bit in your text really touched me and put a lot of things into perspective. I had never thought of it like that. And you are right. Thank you for sharing. It really made a difference.

[MrZee in reply to JustHer]

Thank you JustTumi. It was my pleasure to share. We’re all here to support and grow with one another. It sounds like we’re all well on our way.

Best,

MZ