I've lost her

[Lag1]

I got divorced in 2009 from a narcissist who fought me for custody and made my life miserable. He got re-married in 2013 to a woman that I came to like. She loves him and our kids. Well, she has begun being the communicator; he and I rarely discuss kid issues or events as planning, etc has become her role. She is pregnant now and due in March. Well, last Friday my 12 year old daughter shattered me. She moved in with her dad and step-mom. My children see therapists and so do I. My daughter and I both went through DBT based IOPs over the summer. There were times that she wouldn't go to her dad's for a month at a time and wanted to never have to go there. My ex had expressed to me that she wanted to start staying the night there on Mondays; this was fine with me. Monday came and she didn't want to go but I told her that her dad was excited and she promised. Then 4 days later she moved out. She told my 14 year old son that step-mom is a better mom than I am. I am crushed and heartbroken. I realize that I work a lot and crazy hours but I had never felt like a bad parent. But now I am crushed...broken. I am just so confused and angry and sad. But I do want what is best for her. Maybe this is what is best for both of us.

UPDATE:

I have only seen her a handful of times since September 23. We will have a nice time together then I get radio silence; no replies to texts, running past me at events like I am invisible. Then she will call me out of the blue just to tell me that her favorite character on her show died; then silent treatment again. I will not fight a change in custody if the court can prove that she was not coerced or that I was not demonized. Our relationship is so shattered that I know we will never recover. I have asked if we can talk with her therapist present; she doesn’t think that is necessary. I just need to understand. She says I’m crazy, emotionally and mentally unstable, and that I make poor decisions. I am remarkably stable...I am stressed and sad. I miss my daughter but the laundry is done, there is food in the house, I go to work every day, bills are paid, my son is picked up and dropped off at his extra-curricular activities and I take him to his dad’s for Wednesday overnight. I guess what hurts so much is that her dad isn’t the one there with her all the time, it is step-Mom and I have been completely replaced. I don’t know what the next step is. Her dad and I both have attorneys; I never wanted my kids separated. I never thought that I wouldn’t even get to see her.

[Lilly5]

Is there any way you could work a 9-5 job so you could be more hours with your daughter? I don't know your financial situation but if you could afford to change jobs and maybe cut on some expenses you could dedicate more time to her. I hope she comes back to your home.

[Lag1 in reply to Lilly5]

I just picked up my resume yesterday and will be starting my job search. I don't think that she will come home to me but change has to be made no matter what.

[Hidden]

Hi, I am so sorry you have to go through this sweetheart. I can't offer much to comfort you, but what I can tell you is that, sometimes, people we love hurt us. It is often not because they love us less, but because humans only see things from their own perspectives (esp. a young girl like your daughter). Your daughter's decision is not a reflection of your parenting skills. You have to love her unconditionally and accept her anyway. You be the best mom with what you've got and based on your brief note here, I think you are a great mom.

When I was younger, my parents were going through some difficult times. I would always take my mum's side, simply because that is what I knew to do. As I grew older, I realized the story had two sides and I started loving them both equally. Your daughter will come around. She is a teen. Sometimes, teenagers need some time to figure things out.

[Lag1 in reply to Hidden]

I am grieving for her but I know that I am not what she needs. I have to break free from this job but I have NO time. This week I will have worked over 70 hours. I am trying to figure out when I will have time to search for jobs and interview. I really see no way out. I am so discouraged. I am not depressed. I can identify my emotions. Really, I am not good enough for my son either but he is hanging in there with me...which is probably what is saving me. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I am tired. I hurt from the inside out. I keep going with no real purpose except for him. I am not happy anymore, ever....just tired.