My darling Mother, Estelle, died on Dec.11, 2018 and l can't bear being here without her.
Everyone who saw us, from those we knew to strangers in the street who just happened to observe us, told us that they'd never encountered a Mother and daughter as affectionate and loving as we were, and they were right. We were an extraordinary team, a singular pair with a bond so strong that it was impossible to imagine it being broken. Though Mom was very old when she passed, she was always there for me, right up to the end, and she truly was my everything: my mother, my partner, my advocate, my best friend, my inspiration, my hope, my happiness, my heart, my soul, my life and my love. Nothing and no one can ever take her place.
It is only now - more than 8 months after Moms death - that I am realizing that she is gone but I still can't, or at least can't fully, accept it, and day after day and night after night, I cry out and ask my mother to come back.
The light has gone out of my life and there is nothing but despair and darkness around me.
I see no hope ahead of me and no future and I am running out of time.
Written by
GrievingformyMom
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16 Replies
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I am here with you in your time of grief. I don’t have any words just a virtual 🤗 and the knowledge that someone cares that you are grieving. I hope you feel better.
Haha I know u probably don’t wanna hear this from a teenager, but I understand..... I took me a whole year to accept my grandfathers death I ignored it for a long time and a year later it hit me like a freight train, along with a lot of other things and emotions I pushed to the side..... it took me two months of Personal Analysis and this support system to truly get back to being even a sliver of who u was.... things go wrong....and then they go right...... I had to wait a long time for things to go right.... and even now that they are...... I still am having trouble excepting the fact that things are going right.... when something traumatic happens in our lives, the world tells us to pick ourselves up and quickly get back to who we were.... but that’s not how it works..... I have changed after everything that happened..... for better or for worse? Well that’s really about perspective. But I’m saying that u shouldn’t forget.... never forget.... build, build off of that..... become better..... take the happy moments cherish them.... take the bad moments.... and become better.....and most of all..... allow yourself to mourn....we all cry... we all have pain.... that’s what makes us human..... don’t try and get better too quickly cause in the end it will back fire.... instead take your time mourn your lose cause it is a great one.....I’m not saying dwell on it forever, no, I’m saying allow yourself time....it takes time to get better..... and once u have healed..... with help from those who care..... take the moments and experiences you have had and use them.... to improve yourself and/or help others..... I know I’m young, but I hope I was helpful! ❤️
I really appreciate what you wrote. There's a lot of truth to what you said and your words have given me a lot of new and more positive things to think about. Your wisdom is way beyond your years and I'm very grateful that you shared it with me.
Hi Grievingformymom. ME TOO! I feel so much of my own situation in your post, I wanted to reply to say you are NOT alone....
I could have written that post just a few short months ago...even a month ago I was seriously struggling, when I found this site. It is very slow going, but with YOUR mom’s strength, wisdom, and help, YOU can heal from this awful place you are now. It may take me the next 50 years...but I am determined to heal, that’s what my mom would have wanted. That’s what my precious mom still wants for me. I’m sure yours does too! The very raw emotion for me was, similar to what you described, and enough for me to continually sob and call out to her, and have such feelings of confusion not understanding what had happened, and where is my mom? Like months and even over a year after she died. Kind of embarrassing, but I didn’t care. It was what it was...
I was beside myself for a very long time, until I saw some improvements. It can improve. But it is hard work, and on-and-off it continues to be. Ups and downs. Then more ups than downs, things stretch out and feel okay sometimes as I figured out how to keep going. What felt like a “new” and forever changed me, actually has shown to be much of the same “old” me resurfacing, and still there after what seems like BOTH a blink-of-an-eye AND eternity at the same time ??
My mom died over 2 years ago, and this has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through (and I have been thru some $h#+ in my 50+ years). Lol.
I will NEVER “get over” losing my mom, but continue to do the hard work to RECONCILE myself with what has happened, and how to build a life with this change in our relationship (Uh—such an understatement!!). I learned that term in an intensive grief group I attended once a week for about 3 months.
Don’t get me wrong—I expect I could have moments of emotional hysteria at any time in the future... but things have evened out, so that’s alright. I bawl when I need to. Almost impossible for me to say things have gotten “better” bc that would somehow indicate that now I’m okay with her not being here. And I am not. Not my choice. I miss her tremendously. That being said, things really have gotten much better, compared to the various states I have been in since this happened.
Nobody can make us feel better about any of this, it is awful. I do know what it feels like not to be able to even breathe for months-and-months bc my mom, was my best friend, buddy, and day-to-day everything...and she suddenly relocated to heaven! ✨✨✨✨
I look in the mirror and see her everyday—in my own face, in my eyes. Aw (I chose Awww over Ugggg—bc I’ve learned that MY mind-set when thinking of her matters—A LOT!) I say Awww, bc she left me with extraordinary gifts of our lifetime of memories, with me and my family, and her precious love that formed me into me. She continues to help me learn how to teach my grown children now about losing such a close precious person. Her dying forces me to show by example that grieving isn’t a program followed, or specific steps, or an amount of time. It is individual and one of the most personal things you can share with other people (even your grown children). It takes serious trust to reach out and open up such pain. And it takes strength to watch and feel another’s grieving pain. There is nothing to be done, no advice to be given...just to receive the deep deep feelings being shared.
I’m crying and crying as I type this...but I have discovered there is healing in sharing and in writing / reading my own feelings about this. My heart hurts for you, as your heart hurts without your mom. My mom helps me all the time. Of course she does, that hasn’t changed. She will always be my mom, I will always love her, and she will always love me. We did what we did, we shared what we shared, and now I have to use what she taught me to live a full-life, be happy, and be all that she made me to be, in spite of me living here, and she has relocated to heaven. I can do it, and so can you!
I hope you have someone in your life that can support you, and possibly help drag you out of the darkness, as my husband has helped me. But if not, you can still drag yourself into the light, and I believe the love of your mom can help you find the strength no matter your situation.
We have such similar situations, feel free to message me if you want to... I hope just knowing that you aren’t alone helps a little bit.
Hi I am very sorry you have lost your beloved mum. I know how hard this is coz I have lost both my parents now and my mother 6 years ago. You are still grieving and you have to go through this as there are no short cuts.
What I will say is your mother obviously loved you very much and she would want you to be able to move on with your life and be happy. She will always have a very special place in your heart and I believe will always be with you in spirit as your guardian angel.
My mother too was very old (90) when she died. She had a plant called a Day Lilly where flowers would only come out for one day. My sister had this plant and they both thought it was dead as it hadn't flowered for 4 years. Then 2 weeks before the first anniversary of her funeral 1 small bud appeared - just one. And guess what? This bud opened on the exact date. Just one flower and it was huge and glorious. My sister and I were amazed and greatly comforted and we both said 'Thanks mum we know you are ok now'.
Watch out for a sign from your mum as I am sure she will let you know she is happy and at peace. Hugs xx
Oh you could be saying my story with my mom...30 long years ago...I know the feeling all too well....She was only 57 when she passed and I was 30, pregnant with my 3rd child....never thought I could live without her...took me 10 long years to accept it...so I understand exactly how you are feeling....I still miss her terribly but am able to be happy now... I talk to her all the time....have you tried just talking to her? Sometimes I get signs from my mom...
I really feel for you, my heart goes out to you... I'm here for you...
Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy and groovy hugs!
Hi. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother, at a relatively young age, and while pregnant. Wow! Bless you double-time. I couldn’t even imagine....
I talk to my mom all the time too. Lol. I ask God, and all the angels to get my love and thoughts to her, so that she knows I miss her and that I’m trying really hard to figure out how to keep growing and moving forward, and how to help my dad and my kids, and others in my family all make new memories without her physically being here. We still talk about her all the time, she is always just off in the background when we’re all together...
I get signs and messages from my mom all the time. When I’m in a “good” place that is....
I let reminders trigger that precious feeling in my heart about how eccentric my mom was, and oh how she loves the bling and anything glittery. She and I have laughed and laughed my entire adult life, mostly about being moms, and my kids growing up, and having husbands that do quirky things...just everyday life sharing stuff. Even through all the bad stuff...we usually cried and laughed at the same time.
But....when I’m tuned out to those signs....I can’t focus on anything but missing her and being sad. Instead of being good signs..they become awful reminders that sometimes cause me to wail & flail bc she is gone, and I miss her so.
Up and down I go....continual roller coaster. Sometimes there are even soft nudges to embrace her absence, and to be grateful she is not suffering any longer, and in a place that she can be at peace and shine ✨ shine ✨ shine with love and all that glitters.
I feel so blessed that we were able to do all of the things together in earlier years...bc what if we put them off, or what if neither of us made time for all we’ve done together over the last decades?
That would be unbearable to me...no regrets, and no guilt. None of us have time or energy for all that...do we?
Then again, if that were the case...guess I would have to figure out how to be okay with it anyway, bc that is the only thing about all of this I can choose for myself....
It has really helped me to read everyone’s posts sharing about the loss of your moms (and dad’s). And something about it being concentrated on this post that has seemed to put a small patch on my heart, even if just for the moment. Thank you all. ♥️
Dear Grievingformymom - I am so sorry you have lost your wonderful mother, your advocate, inspiration. I am an only child and no longer have my parents but I was always closest to my father - daddy's little girl even at 50 yrs old. My mother passed away in 2006 from dementia and after that my relationship just became closer with my dad. Like your mother, he was always there for me no matter what. He was my best advocate, inspiration, always supportive even if he did not agree. My favorite memory of the last few years of his life was sitting on the porch enjoying nature - watching the deer, a squirrel, birds. There were times we didn't even talk while sitting there but we had each others company. He passed suddenly of a heart attack in 2013 on a very cold day. Normally we would get together for breakfast but due to the cold I knew he would not want to go out so I decided to go shopping. Something started nagging at me later that morning. Normally we emailed each other numerous times during the day (cell phones were not his thing). No emails but I thought well maybe it was a little chilly in the room where the computer was. Then I called, no answer. Well maybe he stepped outside for the mail, etc. More calls went unanswered and the more worried I became. I found him that evening and to this day I still carry that guilt and the guilt that I should have spent more time with him but I worked out of town a lot so I was not always around. The ME thought he passed around 11 am and that was about the time that the nagging feeling started. I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face. I have never shared this story with anyone - I don't know why not or why now. But after 6.5 years later I still miss my dad!! My now deceased husband was supportive for about a month or so and then that support stopped. So there I was "all alone", no family left. I miss him so much at times. I am in such need of his wisdom and strength right now and he is not here to help me thru something. And like your mother, nothing or no one can every take his place. I do hope you have family or friends that are supportive and if not I'll talk with you. People say that time heals. For me, part of me died with him that day and there is still a hole in my heart. Again, I am so sorry you have lost your light in your life. Please post again if it will help you. Many hugs to you!!!
It will be 9 years November 4th. The nervous breakdown came 6 months after she was gone. I let my world crash and was homeless with my husband and children. Just as my world caught fire I found some strength from somewhere (I'd like to think of this as a spiritual wake up call), I started remembering pieces of her I needed to survive. I got therapy and I had some stormy weather and set backs. From May 2011 until now I have seen an extreme difference so much of an improvement. Saying that I still have the claustrophobic cry once in a while with absolutely no reason but to remember her smell or touch. The way she would grab my arm as I went out the door to make sure I heard her or the smell of meatloaf that never smelled like anyone else's. Now I smile when I think of that with a tear in my eye to make it shine to heaven, that's where my angel is now. You will find her strength when you least expect it but need it the most. Good luck and gentle hugs!!!!
Your mom looks lovely. My mom died ten years ago and man, can I relate. It shook my whole life up. Cried literally every day for at least the first year and I still cry now and then, though it's not suffocating like it was at first.
Time does make it less painful. It's helped me to remember the good times and especially the times we laughed.
So sorry for your loss! I lost my mom as a child and still mourn all that I never had. I know as an adult, and having had such a solid relationship is very different, but I do hope to encourage you to know that she is always with you. No one can remove your memories and I imagine those are rock solid. I also believe she would want you to cope and not lose site of what you must continue - a tradition of love! Xoxo
My mom died ten years ago. She was my best friend.
For a year at least, I felt like she was on vacation in Arizona. I was waiting for her to come back or call me, even send me an email.
But I did feel her all around me. I still feel her today with others who have also passed on. I've lost 4 others who I was super close with in the last 5 years. The most recent being January 2019. I feel them too. I often feel a hand on my shoulder or hear a whisper in my ear. A song comes on the radio that my mom would have liked so I turn up the volume. Remember the good things and funny moments with your mom.
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