I don't want to be here. I don't want to admit the things that make me me at this point. I guess I have to start dealing with it though.
I was diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and OCD. I knew about the anxiety. I knew about the depression. I lived with those, I dealt with them on a daily basis for years without names or diagnoses. I guess, if we're being honest, I think I knew about the PTSD and the OCD too but who knew that 7 letters could be so terrifying. I couldn't even say them out loud for several weeks after the doctor said it.
I started counseling, which was like pulling teeth for me. I started because I couldn't watch my friends and family be so worried about me and not do anything. Now, all I want to do is quit. It's too hard, it hurts too much, and I don't know if it will ever help.
I can't sleep at night. The nightmares have been tormenting me for as long as I can remember. The therapy doesn't seem to help. The medications don't seem to help. The new house, the new bedroom, the new mattress, the new pillow and sheets, the music and white noise, the essential oils, the melatonin.... the anything... nothing seems to help.
School time is coming around again, and as a teacher, that means so much anxiety and planning and preparing and fretting and worrying. The meetings start soon, the lesson planning will take over, and I will bury myself in work. And the OCD will take over and I will do everything time and time again and reorganize and realign and straighten everything. The perfectionism will kick in and I will spend 12+ hours in my classroom trying to get things right and being so upset that I can't.
So I am here. I am new here. I'm alone and I don't want to be anymore.