Struggling

Hi, my name is Rebecca. I struggle with depression, social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder alongside some chronic pain issues. I've never officially been diagnosed because the thought of going to see anyone that could help terrifies me.

I have no friends where I live just maybe two online and my boyfriend also an online relationship. I can't drive. I rely on my mother to take me from place to place. It's hard for me to be alone because I get into really dark places when I'm by myself so I still live at home. I can't work sometimes can't even force myself to leave the house.

I constantly compare myself to others my age, those I went to school with, and all they've achieved and accomplished so far in life. I can't even use my Facebook account because I can't bare to see them because it makes me feel so worthless.

My immediate family is understanding and try to help me but I feel so alone. So stupid. Right now, writing this, I feel ridiculous and writing is something I love. The only way I have to cope.

I happened to stumble upon this site by accident and I don't know. Just wanted to get stuff off my chest. I don't know if it's the stress of my upcoming birthday (I'll be 25 on Saturday) that's got me so nervous and tense. It just feels like I don't know anything anymore. Everything is stressful.

I haven't slept well in weeks. (I think I may have gone to bed around 4 in the morning last night and woke up at 7:30am)

I've been fretting because I'm in a long distance relationship and he's been busy and working so much we haven't had time to talk much. He was very understanding when I told him I had anxiety. He wasn't judgmental or anything. He usually tries to send me something every day if he can, even if it's just a picture, to help calm me and, as irrational as I know it is, if I don't hear from him for a day my mind starts churning. Telling me he's going to leave, he's done with me, he's found someone else. Someone who's prettier, lives closer. And when I'm able to talk myself down from that my mind goes to he's hurt. He's in the hospital dying. He's dead. He died and you'll never know. You'll just be stuck, thinking he's left you.

And I know it isn't true but it terrifies me and I'm afraid to tell him how it really affects me (I know it's not his fault I think like I do) because I really care for him and don't want to push him away and make my fears of him leaving come true.

I hate this. Hate all of it. I don't know how to make it stop. Don't know how to calm myself down. The few things I've tried, Doterra Essential Oils and CBD oil, give me horrible migraines even though they aren't suppose to do that.

I feel hopeless. I just wanna be okay. I just wanna make it through a day without all this pain and fear. I just want to live life and not spend the rest of my years struggling to make it from day to day.

Sorry for the long winded ramble. I know most of that might not make sense or seems sporadic. I feel sporadic. Like a rope that's ends are fraying and unraveling. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for caring if you've taken the time to read this.

7 Replies

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  • Hello Rebecca, My name is Joshua. I do care so let me see if I can help you get on track to healing. The first thing to do is to understand that this is not going to be fixed over night. It will take time, yes that's scary but the disorder is complicated so the repair will be complicated as well. Another very important part of this process is your involvement! You need to be ready for the change. Achieving the "perfect emotional world" can be fear inducing if your not used to it. What I mean is this, let's say that you did it, you got rid of that improper anxiety, great. Except now that "process" is not there anymore. How can this be a downside? This can cause you to feel empty, wierd, or any of a handful of abnormal emotion because something is missing. That can cause anxiety but at this poit in healing if you keep practicing this will start to feel normal and you can live better. Okay if you're still with me than you have the mind and spirit of someone who can be healed. Very few humans have been able to overcome their anxiety disorder without professional help. Please set up an appointment with a few doctors. Make sure you get a full physical examination to test your blood for inbalances first. Then go to an appointment with a psychologist. Seriously, do it, please, please, do. You can't even get useful medication without a doctor's prescription. The medication is not the point but is the benifit. What this visit will do is get you started on something to help you cope immediately while a longer term plan is worked out. They will need you to be honest about everything. Nothing you tell them will ever come around to hurt you, I promise! These doctors are not police expecting to arrest everything that's not perfect. They really want you to get better, your mental well being means everyones job gets easier. Another reason to see a psychologist is a professional diagnosis could open the door for finacial aid. Money was the reason I didn't get help and I payed a price for it. With a diagnosis eventually I could afford to go somewhere other than the Emergency Room to add on another outrageous bill. I'll be happy to share anything I can.

  • Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read what I wrote. I know it can't be an overnight change and I do wanna change. I've been battling this for quite a few years though it feels like forever.

    I really don't have money to see anyone and the thought of opening up to anyone terrifies. I can't imagine talking to someone. It not only scares me but I feel like what's the point. They don't care anyway.

    The one time I tried to get help, I told my doctor and he recommended me to someone and I had decided that I would go. They never contacted me. And when I contacted them they never got back to me. So I just feel like they don't really care about people just money. I also am very hesitate about taking medication.

    I appreciate you talking to me.

  • Hi EchoSounding! I would advise you to firstly stop comparing yourself to others your age. Everyone is different and travels through life differently. You sound like your anxiety would be dramatically reduced with what is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is a technique that a therapist usually walks you through, but there are also workbooks available for not too much money that might help.

    I agree with BlueJay08, please go see your doctor and try seeing a therapist again. While it seemed like they didn't care, the more likely explanation is that they were very busy and couldn't return your call. I find that people in the medical profession really do care, but they are so busy that I have to keep calling (sometimes 3 times) before I can get an answer. Keep fighting for yourself. You can overcome this.

  • I'm very sorry to just be getting back to you. I thought I had responded. Thank you for your advice.

    I try not to compare myself but it's hard. I'm not sure how I could go now. It's near impossible for me to work and I don't have insurance but I will see. Thank you again.

  • If you need totalk jusy send me a message and ill be herefor you hope your feeling better

  • Thank you. It's kind of bad today. My mind has taken me to a bad place.

  • Just take a deep breath and say fuck it today im going to just chill watch some netflix and just entertain my mind with a good show

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