Hi, my name is Rebecca. I struggle with depression, social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder alongside some chronic pain issues. I've never officially been diagnosed because the thought of going to see anyone that could help terrifies me.
I have no friends where I live just maybe two online and my boyfriend also an online relationship. I can't drive. I rely on my mother to take me from place to place. It's hard for me to be alone because I get into really dark places when I'm by myself so I still live at home. I can't work sometimes can't even force myself to leave the house.
I constantly compare myself to others my age, those I went to school with, and all they've achieved and accomplished so far in life. I can't even use my Facebook account because I can't bare to see them because it makes me feel so worthless.
My immediate family is understanding and try to help me but I feel so alone. So stupid. Right now, writing this, I feel ridiculous and writing is something I love. The only way I have to cope.
I happened to stumble upon this site by accident and I don't know. Just wanted to get stuff off my chest. I don't know if it's the stress of my upcoming birthday (I'll be 25 on Saturday) that's got me so nervous and tense. It just feels like I don't know anything anymore. Everything is stressful.
I haven't slept well in weeks. (I think I may have gone to bed around 4 in the morning last night and woke up at 7:30am)
I've been fretting because I'm in a long distance relationship and he's been busy and working so much we haven't had time to talk much. He was very understanding when I told him I had anxiety. He wasn't judgmental or anything. He usually tries to send me something every day if he can, even if it's just a picture, to help calm me and, as irrational as I know it is, if I don't hear from him for a day my mind starts churning. Telling me he's going to leave, he's done with me, he's found someone else. Someone who's prettier, lives closer. And when I'm able to talk myself down from that my mind goes to he's hurt. He's in the hospital dying. He's dead. He died and you'll never know. You'll just be stuck, thinking he's left you.
And I know it isn't true but it terrifies me and I'm afraid to tell him how it really affects me (I know it's not his fault I think like I do) because I really care for him and don't want to push him away and make my fears of him leaving come true.
I hate this. Hate all of it. I don't know how to make it stop. Don't know how to calm myself down. The few things I've tried, Doterra Essential Oils and CBD oil, give me horrible migraines even though they aren't suppose to do that.
I feel hopeless. I just wanna be okay. I just wanna make it through a day without all this pain and fear. I just want to live life and not spend the rest of my years struggling to make it from day to day.
Sorry for the long winded ramble. I know most of that might not make sense or seems sporadic. I feel sporadic. Like a rope that's ends are fraying and unraveling. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for caring if you've taken the time to read this.